Come join me.....

Update! 

Ok this didn't go to plan! I became the grumpiest man on earth, yep, grumpier than normal! I will stop, it's not that far away but in the words of Mrs R "Please start again!" 

If you've stopped as a result of the below, then you will, in the not too distant future, inspire me! 

I took the plunge on what I see to be my last bad vice to conquer in what has been the most self sacrificing life changing year of my life, Yes, I write this as a non smoker! 

Why is it when you stop something, wether it be smoking, drinking, eating shit food it would seem  every single person you bump into or pass or look at is doing the very thing you are trying to stop? 

A few things have shocked me now the fags and lighters have gone and all are, suprisingly, really positive! 

I can smell stuff, I can taste stuff but worst of all I can smell a smoker from 40 yards! Being in my company must have been like sticking your head in a life size ashtray! 

I gave up for a few reasons, the most important one was my daughter Roxanne who some months a go pleaded with me to stop, I wasn't really in a place then to even consider her caring and loving cries to help me live longer, thank God I am today!  

A huge player in the Roycey "Smoking" change was Gary Barlow, he has been moaning about my fag breath for two years now and recently at "Bootcamp" he gave me "The Look" this was followed a few moments later by Louis good friend  Liam, who works closely with him. I went to say hi and he looked me straight in the eye and said "You stink of smoke" that was the last straw for me and the decision was made deep in the "vice corner" of my brain! 

I visited my doctor first to try and get a pill by the name of "Champix" however with a side effect of "Depression" it wasn't the greatest of ideas for me, so my charming doctor sent me packing to a pharmacy, yes, any pharmacy! 

I was un-aware that our brilliant NHS now offers a full supportive programme to give up at any pharmacy - so off I trotted to a fellow school parents shop and stood proud as I announced "I want to stop smoking!" 

The support is amazing, it's a full dedicated programme to help you reduce the nicotine intake at a safe manageable speed and it's tried and tested! 

If I needed any reason to stop, the carbon monoxide reading underlined my decision beautifully. The top mark on the "Reading card" was 25+ I blew 50! 

I've made so many changes to my "Me" recently and it has been truly amazing! I've conquered fears, stood up to what I believe to be right, changed old habits and re focused on every single area of my life, easy? Fuck no! But the rewards are simply beautiful. 

If you have just one small thought of stoping smoking, come join me, we can do this together! 

Honestly, if I can stop, anyone can stop! 

Here ends the smoking preaching blog! 

An the award goes to....

The worst thing about returning from a holiday is having to put shoes & socks on its a friggin outrage and the true "Bring us backdown to earth with a bump" moment! Do you think if you lived in a country where flip-flops were the order of the day you'd get a few excitable butterflys packing brogues and stripy socks in ya case?  

Just a thought!

We can be an inventive lot - loved this picture of a gypsy community making use of hay bails to make a swimming pool! 

I love my Royal family, (For those who follow me on twitter, read my blogs and watch me on Sky news, you will know that it's a bit of a passion of mine!) So I was overjoyed to see the greatest job description EVER for the very beautiful Duchess of Cambridge - "Princess of the United Kingdom" 

She fills the role beautifully and I for one will pay for it all day long, as I would for the Queen, Phillip, the amazing Prince Charles, Camilla, our newest dad, Prince William and yes my favourite, Prince Harry, who in my opinion should never ever change! I actually like the idea that I bought him a beer by way of my taxes in Vegas, in my mind this was a better use of my tax than my local refuge collection service! (See a couple of blogs a go!) 

I walked on a stage for the first time at the age of 7, it was the school talent show and I did a comedy routine pretending to lift weights, I had the whole junior school in stitches. My second role was the "Scarecrow" in "The Wizzard of Oz" which I performed in a strong Yorkshire accent (My place of birth!) which during the audition in front of my first class in Junior school won me the role, my third was to be my first lead role in a production called "The Car" at the much coverted Grayshott Hall, The play was supposed to be a serious drama but in good ole' Roycey fashion I made it a lighter more laughable affair making the steering wheel of the car fall off at the pinacle moment! (I just couldn't resist!)

My point being I have dreamed my whole life of collecting an award, it's kinda the ultimate people pleasing accolade, the recognition of your piers and the moment you get to say to yourself "I did it" If any performer tells you awards mean nothing they're lying! So even back at the tender age of 7 it was about being the best at what I did and wining the award! The lovely Amanda Holden has her Oscar speech already written and if anyone has ever seen my Mandy act then you too will know that it is only a question of time before we hear her read it to Hollywood. 

The thing is awards can be awarded for oneself by oneself, you don't need an audience, a cheer, a gong, a speech or even a designer dinner suit, you just need to sit with yourself and be proud of the achievement - that is the greatest award of them all and you don't need a limo to get there, just hard work and a passion that if you're born with will never disappear!

There is however a but, isn't there always! 

A letter arrived that I should attend an "Award Ceremony" on a Saturday afternoon some years a go at 4pm sharp! At last after years in show business I was to be recognised, I would be presented the award in front of my close friends, family and neighbours! 

After a sleepless night and choosing my designer outfit I decided to walk to the much converted Ceromony, I never ever want to get too stuck up my own arse and forget how long the journey has been (Although I have lost my way a few times - guilty as charged and head now hopefully out of my arse!)

And here was the greatest award.....

I know, my real name is "Starr" the irony eh! (And no I don't live there anymore!)

After months and months of watering, pruning, deadheading and cultivating I won an award (Be careful what you wish for!) If my memory serves me correctly II didn't even enter myself, I think someone else entered me although I could be wrong! 

So this was the wining display! 

I won this award through hard work, commitment and the same passion that llives in my heart today.  So many an evening was spent watering and I have so many stories to share! My neighbours J & B announced their engagement, E & L got pregnant (Not in the garden!) and told me while watering! I met my first ballet dancer (Not including my wife!) and struck up a friendship with a beautiful family who escaped a war torn Afghanistan, I met and would chat to the sweetest kindest retired WW2 R.A.F pensioner and listened to his amazingly brave stories and watch him walk off to the West End to collect on Poppy Day,  I watched my neighbour Claudia fall in love (It took forever!) I met two cats and enjoyed watching the various outbreaks of road rage on the small road that ran outside my flat! The downside -  I used enough water to cause the 2005 hosepipe ban! Sorry London - my fault! 

The Ceromony was not to be the glorious affair I had spent the sleepless night before dreaming about however! It became clear very quickly that Mr Ononobolis and his delightful wife were not happy with loosing the award to a middle aged bloke who just loved to water his hydrangers! (They had won first prize for years and years) They brought along thier friends and when they were called forward to collect the second prize, it was met with cheers and huge claps, when I was called forward it seemed only the bloody local Councilor seemed genuinely happy that the "yout'" had taken up gardening. 

After picking up my award and a £25 voucher for the stunning Clifton Gardens garden centre (25 quid would buy you an emoty pot if you were lucky but still a beautiful garden centre if your ever in the area) I went to shake the hand of Mr and Mrs O and was not far off being blanked, this was turning into a bloody nightmare! Sorry Mr Onobolis for interrupting your good run but my front garden was better! 

I have since moved and driving past the old flat the other day I can now clearly see that Mr O (I keep writting "O" as the spelling of his surname is getting on mine and my predictive texts tits!) must now be back in possession of the very sought after much celebrated "Harrow Road Front garden and window box competition"  because sadly it was left to die away and now resembles a photo of the London Mayor "Boris" hair - it actually made me sad, the garden not the hair, I love Boris! 

There is a lesson here (I know, here I go again!) if you sit in ya house the only person you are going to talk to is you, if you stare at your TV shouting at the state of our country and moaning endlessly at the shit state of your road, village, town or city then sorry you really do only have yourself (ourselves) to blame! 

FFS (just so the kids think I'm "with it!") get out, water your garden, make a flower box or even pick a weed! You might even get a hello, you might even get to know a neighbour you might better understand the plight of a family new to our country, you may not be so quick to slag off the noisy kids oppisite, you may make a friend, if only with the local cat, you might be the only hello an old person has had for hours or even days and you might, just might start the ball rolling in a thing called "community!" 

The award for me wasn't for a great garden, it was for the people I met, the stories I heard and the memories I can now keep! 

So Mr Cameron and Mr Mayor, worry not about plowing millions into focus groups on how to "build a community" just buy everyone a window box and a plant and watch our country and communities grow and blosom once more as we start the very simple process of talking to each other! 

Thank you for reading! 

NB. I did my own grammar again, so go with it and if in doubt, use your imagination! 

Buy a token!

Arriving at Gatwick for my two week holiday and I was very pleased to see the great British Stag and Hen weekends are alive and kicking. They stoid proud in thier groups slowly getting closer to each other like a pack of mating wolves all wearing T-Shirts explaining giving thier pub nicknames are and what their "Pies de resistance" is in the sack! 

It filled me with great pride that this fine nation of ours loves to celebrate drinking at 5am whilst telling the world that "No muff is too tuff because "one" dives at five!" and that "Lucy" was really christened "Loose Lips from Lingfield!" 

My flight from London Gatwick to Faro actually left on time and a very pleasant Scotish captain informed us he was going to be "Jumping the Q!" How very bloody "German" I thought to myself as he pulled back from the stand quuicker than "no muff too tuff" would from ."Loose lips from Lingfield!" On this occasion it seemed so very acceptable to be so "Un-PC" and I enjoyed the speedy departure as much as I did watching "Garry the grinder" get blown out by "Sally slag" from Swindon!

This is why the Scottish are such a fantastic race of people, proud, loyal to their heritage and brave, who else would jump a Q in front of a 747 in a little orange Easy jet - this Mc something would and the stag, Hen and holiday makers aboard this flight were very grateful. 

I really must thank the very charming stewardess on board my Easy Jet flight, I was bloody freezing, now this may have been due to three hours sleep following a 14 hour day at X Factor, a journey home, a re pack and a trip to my home for a three hour snooze before a dash to the airport (alarm set for 3.30!) or the fact that I broke my cardinal rule of not taking a jumper with me on a plane, as I said to my daughter before her recent school trip away; you can take layers off to cool down but you can't put stuff on to warm up if you don't have it! (Note to self - Practice what ya' preach!) 

Anyway - I asked the delightfully tall female stewardess (The height restriction rule must have been dropped on Easyjet so thank you Stellios!)  if I could have a blanket - she replied they didn't have any - then came that wonderful customer service that our American cousins do so well yet we seem so oblivious too - she went to her personal bag, pulled out her own Easy Jet labeled cardigan and gave it to me to keep warm - whoever you are  - I cannot thank you enough for keeping this "lovey" a little warmer - you warmed up the warm up! 

I love flying and have been very lucky to fly both Virgin and BA (up front) and also very blessed to have crossed the pond privately - it's the crew who make a flight, not the airline - I've had good and bad flights on both the UK's major airlines but my biggest regret was falling asleep when upgraded to BA 1st on a CSE trip to entertain the trooos in a few desserts! On landing I almost wanted to ask the pilot if I could go back again just to experience the beauty of BA first rather than sleep through it! But honestly, that's a whole blog in itself!

Right, my point - hire cars in Faro and my advice should you ever need it! (This is like an audition for a travel writer!) 

It's so refreshing hiring a car after landing into Faro airport, why? Because its an adventure not a chore, it could easily become a frustrating nightmare but I urge you to take two deep breaths, a bottle of water and a sense of humour as you depart the very easy arrivals area of an airport I really like (But not on Thursdays, Thursdays is package holiday departure day and hell on earth!) 

My paperwork led me to "Car park four" and not the nice shiny hire car buildings you can go to if you'd have gone through one of the market leaders, so it was a left turn (Brilliant on a BA or Virgin flight, not as glamorous in the heat of Faro!) and a trip with my trolley on what can only be described as an assault course, over bumps, a wrong turn under a barrier, through a restricted zone, past some motorbikes on a rally (Don't ask) and then to a van, a checking in area? - No! A building? - No! A air conditioned office? -No! A bloody van but not any old van, a van with a small sign in the window reading "Hore Car!!!" 

I was met by a fag smoking rugged man with a huge yellow smile - what a greeting to the land of the discoverers! 

The paperwork was done on his lap with extra insurance for this and that and ash wiped off the credit card machine as I signed for shit i knew nothing about! 

Now came the million $ question! "Wound token for Matwoo" he asked? I stared at him like a man lost for anything to say hoping he wound give me the answer..... The glisten from his yellow teeth and slightly browner stubble gave me my answer - "No thank you!"

(I've been to Faro a few times now and didn't need to pay €20 for a motorway token, I was going my route and the route I know so well! (I am such a man!)

Car collected (Suitable for Noddy but a car all the same) and I was off!

The fist 45 minutes of me in a car made for "Small people who couldn't even fit into Zara XXL jumper!) was around car park four searching for the exit! It was enjoyable for me as I was in no particular rush!) 

I soaked up the rows and rows of hire cars and smoking men in white vans, if this had been at night I may well have been arrested for Dogging! For me this was not a lost car park four moment but an audition for "Top Gear!"

After a quarter tank of fuel I found the exit and I was off for a motorway free journey to my villa, as I hit 4th gear and the engine said at me "You're having a fucking laugh" I passed under some camera line things, a very loud beep went off in my car! 

Many who hire cars would hear it as a beep, I heard it as "You should have bought the friggin motorway token you plank!" 

I know - self will run riot! A quick call to the hire car company put it right and an extra €20 charge put my mind at ease that I could now speed the motorways of Portugal without a care in the world - did I ? Of course I didn't! But I got a token and that's the bonus right? 

I don't get lost once (of course I don't, I'm a man, I merely get diverted) We should embrace such diversions as often in life we are so bloody busy speeding to get to the end point we have not seen , felt, experienced or embraced any of the journey to reach our goal point! (That's the spiritual side of the blog out of the way!)

This brings me nicely to the lack of maps available at Faro airport -if you're going --- bring one - you're going to need it as it would seem a country born out of discovery and following ones Instingst wants you to do the same, and why not? 

Love Portugal and so will you, but go with it, not against it, otherwise you will not find the new world if such a thing exists!! 

Thanks for reading and no doubt getting around my grammar and spelling - it's a challenge I know! 

Where you "Wheelie" bin!

Do not ask!!!!

First week of the X Factor live auditions (The arenas were replaced by the old fashioned audition room, which now, having seen the talent coming through, is a stroke of genius!)

 

Honestly, Wednesday's show was the best day of "talent" I have seen in 10 years!

 

Talking of genius - this new judging panel is utterly brilliant, not that it wasn't before it’s just been taken in a very different direction, and it's inspired!

 

Sharon or "Mum to a nation" is simply brilliant. I admire that she doesn't give a toss what people think of her, she is what she is and proud of who she is, how refreshing and how exhilarating it must be not give two hoots what everybody thinks of you, take that and add a very caring, gentle, thoughtful person, and you can easily see why she is loved across both sides of the pond and the very unique beautiful Mrs O. Get ready Britain to once again fall in love with our Sharon.

 

Gary has simply gone to another level! , By day one he had gone "lip to lip" with me, smashed stuff, thrown water over a contestant and given out more Barlow hugs than humanly possible, those who have ever called Gary "boring" simply do not know him or have never spent a second in his company - get ready to see "The Captain" on fire! 

 

Louis is an all new Louis, he has been 

re -styled by a lovely lady called Caroline Mactaggart who has brought a whole new, bright, vibrant exciting look to Louis and (not sure if this has anything to do with it) but his clothes are matching his energy, the chemistry between him and Sharon is something everyone watching this year will become addicted too!

 

Nicole is breathtakingly stunning and just the perfect addition to the "Famous Four"  talented, funny, kind and an extremely generous caring performer, who selflessly allowed me to look funny on more than one occasion - God love her.

 

I guess what I'm trying to say is, get ready for a reinvention of the greatest show on earth, (Next to Simon and BGT) which I have no doubt in my mind will be our greatest yet!

 

Right now to far more pressing matters!

 

I pay £250 a month to my council, that's a lot of money in anyone's book, let’s face it, you could fly to bloody Spain and have a week’s holiday for that! In return for this cut price holiday, everyday a maid would kindly empty your bin in your hotel bathroom and not discard anything she felt a hazard to the environment!

 

A few weeks ago my daughter decided she no longer wanted the bark under her swing which protected her from any trapeze like fall. I was very proud that she removed all the bark into black bin liners, a job I would struggle with!

 

Rox requested one morning that I remove the bags from the back of my garden to the front of my house before skipping off to the school gates, a Job I had to do, why? Because the apple of my eye had asked and if she had gone to so much effort to remove it, the least I could do was finish off the job and play my part.

 

Move the bags I did and there was a lot, in fact as I moved them it was more like a "Britain’s strongest man" event, you know when Geoff Capes used to move a beer barrel from one end of a car park to the other!

 

On the following Monday I realised I wasn't going to be able to fit all the bags in my brown wheelie bins so I left a nice note for my lovely bin men (although I am sure in this day and age it should be "Bin people") asking if they would be kind enough to take the extra bags left not inside the bin but nearly to the side.

 

They took the note but left the bins, I can only presume this was a health and safety issue with "Lifting" and god forbid for a small part of £250 someone has to bend over and pick something up!Honestly it was no real drama, they would fit in next week and they were only sticking to the mad rules that I have no doubt some over paid jobs worth had written in a memo to the bin depot!

 

Beautifully and as if by magic the bags, full of bark, fitted in the bins the following week and I was proud of my patiencesurrounding "Barkgate" and I left for X Factor happy in the knowledge everything was right with the world of all things "Barky" and "Wheelie"

 

My wife then called whilst I entertained the masses at Wembley to inform me the brilliant "Bin people" had removed two black bark filled bags from the wheelie bins, left them on my drive and then proceeded to empty (in the correct manner) the bins! This was an odd call while standing to the side of a stage that made dreams come true, a desk with four superstars and 4000 amazing audience members who, for done unbeknown reason found me funny, but take the call I did and for fleeting moment forgot about the dreams of a few and focused on two bark filled black bags!

 

I am happy to report the world has gone friggin mad! Mysynopsis could only be two things!

 

1. The Bins were too heavy to lift to place in the dustcart (but not too heavy to remove from the bins!)

 

2. "Tree bark" is now not an "acceptable item" to place in a bin or black bin bag and must be placed in the see through easilyripable, only collected fortnightly, "Garden refuge" bags.

 

 

So my lovely "Bin people" don't you worry yourself about "Barkgate" you gave me an opportunity to smile and forget about the bloody trampoline that now may need to replace the Swing!

 

Another jaw dropping moment of madness came following Rox wining a "Photographic" session in one of the studios, you know the type of shop I mean, the one that always displays the perfect family dressed in linen and the kid with a robin in its head - perfect!

 

Rox won a £60 family photograph session, now you may love these types of pictures but they are just not for me so my amazing kid came up with the most amazing idea of getting three of her closest friends to have an end of year class pic.

 

Mrs R called the studio to book the date in and when asked who the picture would be of she explained the above. The owner of said photographic studio explained that it was cost £90 to do friends as they were not "Family"

 

I understand Mrs R went to great length to try and make sense of the most ridiculous policy she has ever heard of but no, this was the policy and this was the rule!

 

I'm still trying to get my head round the most outlandish, pathetic, mind blowing bit of company policy I have ever heard of, but I guess it's the persons company to do with what they so wish, so who am I to pass judgment? Oh, I'm just the dad who told her daughter she can have a picture, but defiantly not with her friends! 

Hope you're enjoying the weather, stay hydrated and water that Garden - you know the hose pipe ban is only a hairs breath away! 

Roycey 

 

 

I am free to fly....

So as I start a very important three weeks of my life - I really have to reflect and say a huge thank you to so many people. I would love to name them all but the blog wound go forever! 

The honest truth is I should not even be alive, that's the bottom line, let alone getting ready for my 10th year on The X Factor, a really important gig Monday, a TV appearance Wednesday and most importantly some downtime with the two most important people in my life. 

Matters of my previous blogs now sit with the police and I have dealt with much that has held me back for so long, there is still a mountain to climb (but not an impossible one) but today I know I'm not alone, so with that in mind can I take this opportunity to thank every single one of you (You know who you are) for believing in me and not ababdaning me, you will never really know how much it meant. 

At 9am a new "Roycey" will arrive on the floor of Wembley arena, (Still as cheeky as hell and still pushing the boundaries) but and it's a huge but - ill be free and am free of  the shit that held me back for so so long.

So to those who have followed my story....I bloody did it!  

Tomorrow and the days, weeks, months and years going forward, well, that's for you, me, a brother called Graeme, a special lady called Jenny a life saver called James W and two very very special girls who I need not name. 

Thank you, thank you, thank you. 

X

1D Love Heart!

I'm must be doing something right as I actually got a hug from Janet St Porter at the Loose Women wrap party, I love Janet, she is straight talking, no fluff or bullshit and definitely no "flowered up" conversation - it's so refreshing and our banter always makes me leave the LW studio with a big smile and another restraining order! 

I love working on Loose Women, when I first approached the show some in the business asked what the fuck I was doing warming up daytime shows? Why was I not staying on "The big shows?" (No names mentioned) Let me tell you now LW is a "Big Show" it's also one of the hardest (and most rewarding) warm-up's I do, the topics are so varied you really have to be ready to get an audience  to "move with the mood" if you add that to keeping all the ladies happy its a show you cannot take lightly. 

The brilliant comedian, Karl Lucas, is the master at these shows (and many others both daytime and prime time) and if you are ever free one day I'd highly recommend a visit to London Studios to see the recording of LW - it starts again in September. 

I loved seeing this emergency van - NCP car parks actually have a "Dog Rescue" unit! Brilliant!

This is seriously one of the best bits of art I have seen in a long time! 

As I'm sure most of you know I'm just out of hospital following a small operation. 

I arrived in my room which wasn't far off a hotel room and unpacked a few bits, the lovely nurse came in and gave me a gown and the most pathetic excuse for underwear I have ever seen! 

I put them on and simply wondered "Why?" 

They didn't fit, they were completely see through and I was going to be knocked out for the whole time so really I didn't see the point... 

I then put the gown on, which for those of you who have had an operation will know ties up at the back, I'm so glad nobody walked in, it's was like an episode of "Inspector Gadget" doing spins with a bollock hanging out! 

I'll leave you with the picture in your minds - trust me - it wasn't that pretty! 

One Direction, are still storming the world and it would seem the phenomenon and excitement continues around a great bunch of very talented guys, however the excitement around the world was nowhere near my own hysteria at finding out they had their very own "Love Hearts!"

I think I may need  to take up some more hobbies as opening the packet gave me much anticipation...

This was my first 1D love heart....

Luck of the Irish me thinks!

I honestly didn't know wether to laugh or cry! 

Back to The X Factor in a couple of weeks and I'm beginning to get very excited, but who wouldn't? 

My week sees me start the brilliant "Lets Do Lunch", with my friends Gino & the newly married Mel, I am seriously excited to be warming up for one of my favourite comedians, Michael McIntyre, I also get to finish off the week with an exciting meeting with the NSPCC around plans for my 2014 challenge. 

I hope you have a great week and thank you for reading...

Roycey. 

Brave brave Sallie.....

So I've finished a the first few recordings of the next series of Piers Morgan's "Life Stories" 

We had, without question, two of his best guests ever!

First up was Julie Goodyear, I promise your chin will hit the floor and the Pete Waterman you will require some tissues, they will be on ITV in the autumn. They are not to be missed!

(Piers is not interviewing me - yet! Lol) 

Sometimes in life it's good to stand up for what is not right - I congratulate this seagul for its defiance and silent protest!

I have a new pet hate! 

Is it just me or is the below cunudram the most bloody frustrating and annoying thing EVER!!??

Is the fourth one an "O" or a "C" ? This challenge is becoming a regular event in my life and its begining  more and more frustrating!?

I'm happy to inform you it is not an "O" (I failed!)

The most bloody annoying thing about playing this game is I will never ever know the answer - I wonder if after you get it wrong the Internet site could at least give you the correct answer! 

I visited a very brave courageous lady in hospital today (Wednesday) namely The Royal Marsden, for those who are not aware this is a hospital who's primary care is the treatment of cancer. 

As I walked the corridors en route to the ward I was expecting a place of much sadness and upset, how very wrong I was - It turned out to be a place of many smiles and much laughter formed by people who are far braver than I! It was inspiring (as is my friend Sallie!) and it truly gave me something to think about - 

How long do we have? How lucky are we right now? How big  are our problems? Are we living each day to the full? Are we pleasing other people rather than caring for ourselves? Most importantly though my question to myself was; I

If I only had two weeks left to go, how would I spend it? 

We do not know how long we have - live it - breath it - but most importantly, take nothing for granted! 

(As you can see it was a long list of pondering questions but it was a long walk from the ward to reception!)

I was in Selfridges recently and the below were in the men's shoe section! 

Who for the love of God would wear such a trainer? 

Two names  poped into my head....Rylan and my friend Russel! 

I did however find a beautiful pair of swiming shorts however they will never be hugging my arse as I dive bomb my kid in a random swiming pool! Why?  a small price tag of over £350 - well maybe one day! 

I love America, always have done, always will do but I wonder if there is any need to have so many McDonald's across this vast land? 

The hottest day of the year a few days ago and my thoughts go out to this beauty, who I don't blame for having an afternoon nap!!!

Right I'm off for a small operation,(I've been nil by mouth for a few hours now and I'm frigin starving)

Have a fantastic weekend - I know I will even if it won't involve any running! 

Roycey 

Spirit!

I did it! 

Honestly after spending 28 hours walking it, 5 hours and 48 minutes cycling it was honestly nowhere near as physically challenging but it was again another mental battle, something It would seem I am beginning to do a lot of! (Nobody said when I started this journey it was going to be easy!)

It wasn't about the ride for me today it was about one hill one climb, one challenge, and one point to prove to nobody else but myself! 

As a kid I was often told I was "Nothing" a "Worthless piece of shit" I was informed  in the midst of violence "You will never amount to anything, you're a humiliation and evil" so that hill was my middle finger to those that chose to damage my spirit, soul and inner strength! 

Some people say the mind is the most powerful tool we possess but it does not, in my opinion, come even close to the inner spirit! 

I stopped just before attacking the biggest winding hill i have seen for 2 years (two years a go to the day I attempted the same hill and got 400m up it before stopping and saying to myself "oh it doesn't matter you're shit anyway!") and had a small very meaningful chat with myself...

These were my exact words....

"Today Roycey you are something. You are important, you are loved, you are a dad, a husband, a friend, an important part of life, you are special and most of all you are capable of absolutely anything - Roycey, this one is for you and you Mr hill are about to get owned!" 

I then sucked back a couple of energy shots and began...

 I grunted, groaned, spoke to myself, swore (a lot) sweated and screamed, my legs burned my heart was racing, I was gasping for oxygen but pedal I did, not exactly In a straight line but this was not going to be a repeat of two years ago, this was my time! It was without question the hardest 10 minutes I have ever done sitting down! 

Then came the mental challenge - my mind must have told me 20 times to get off, to give up, that nobody would care, that I couldn't do it, that I was a failure.... But I'm changing and something came alive in me that as a 44 year old man I have only ever experienced once before and that was a few weekends a go on my 28 hour walk - it's called belief and a spirit that was not, under any circumstances going to be beaten - at any cost! 

I made it - I beat it - I pushed myself - I beat my demands -  I cried and then I laughed then I felt a new feeling, a feeling of beating the demands that have for so so long defined me...

So hill you were owned and I was the exact opposite - today and just for today, I was free and for this year i was king of my own little mountain which, as I promised got owned (Although taken over is probably a better terminology!) 

I suffer no more in silence.....

Ride like the wind.....

And so i begin my second challenge - 100k bike ride from London to Brighton!

If I can walk it - I can sure as shit ride it! 

With every turn of my wheels today I want to send a message of hope to those who may be sat where I once was and this is my message to you;

You are NOT Evil, you are NOT alone and you need not cry silently any more. 

You no longer have to be in that lonely, dark, terrifying, suffering place and you no longer have to hate yourself with every single thought. 

It has stopped for me and this is why I'm alive enough to ride tomorrow. My spirit has begun to shine....as so can yours...

My target? 

To cross the line in Brighton by 1.30pm (no I'm not leaving now!) 

If you have a little to give you can do it here - 

www.justgiving.com/ianroyce  

And if you have already donated can I  thank you so very very much. 

Right better get peddling as I'm warming up for Piers Morgan tonight! 

Brighton - I'm coming to get ya! 

#silencenomore 

What now?

It's been the most frightening 14 days (To be fair the most frightening life) with more drama, emotion and fear than I could have ever possibly imagined!

You gave me strength and courage when I had none and yesterday I turned a huge corner in my life. 

So what now? 

It's now time to live for the future, to be an example for what life can be like, free of fear, pain and loneliness.  

I still have so much to face from my past but this will be done privately and with the professionals who surround me today. 

To keep living in my past is not helpful, healthy or in anyway a positive to those who still suffer, it's time to be an example of what life can be like!

I am excited about living free of those who for so long controlled me and free of so many negative painful emotions. 

I cannot thank you enough for standing with me, it is without question the most humbling emotional experience I have ever had. 

And for those who shared your experience and made a step into the light - you are so brave and I'm ready to stand with you. 

I shall continue to raise as much money as humanly possible for the NSPCC and have a plan for a mammoth challenge in 2014. 

So stand by universe, I'm ready to shine and live a life full of hope, courage and  love - I've waited long enough! 

Thank you

Roycey x

#silencenomore 

M - the true inspiration.

Lots has been said and written about me and my struggles, fights, battles and recent triumphs over the past week. I've had so much support, love, kindness and friendship and as a result I don't feel so alone, scared or full of fear. 

After so so many years I see a light and feel hope that I can change. It's amazing although I know the road is long. 

But, and it's a huge but, someone has stood by me, carried me, picked me up, cried with me, laughed with me, held my hand, stroked me and stood by me when most would have left so very long a go 

That person is my wife, Martha. 

She is the strongest, bravest most caring loving patient women i have ever met and she is nothing less than my inspiration! 

To be very honest she is the very reason I'm still standing and gave me the strength to open up from a silent hell.

She has put up with so much, which sadly, is the result of living with a man who held a painful past. 

So this walk I do today, this life I have today  i dedicate to her. because without my Martha I'd still be in that very dark forest. 

Thank you for listening. 

"I wish to report a crime"

I walked into a police station yesterday and I reported persons for the offences I pointed out in my last blog.

I have never ever been so scared in all my life, I honestly felt like a small boy walking up the steps of the police station, but I did it!

The officer who dealt with me was both caring, sympathetic, attentive but above all and so importantly professional to the end, she made it a calm place to talk about what I have held up for so very very long, I swear if there was not a screen between us I would have hugged her.

I'm proud I did it, I am happy I did it and now justice can prevail.

I have an appointment to attend and make full statements 8 days and have put a support system in place straight after to protect myself and the emotions I will no doubt be feeling.

For those who who suffer like I did, before taking such a step please make sure you have a support system around you as your about to tell all to a stranger.

Silent no more.

Roycey.

I hope I can help just one, thats my prize!

I am walking 100k a week today and the walk letter sent out asked anyone to send an e-mail in to say why they were walking the 100k, the best one will win a prize.

My prize - let only one person makes a call fir help and my prize will be the greets ever.

Please bear with me, its taken 31 years to have the courage to write it....

I have suffered in silence for 31 years, full of shame, fear, anger, loneliness and self loathing, today I suffer those feelings no more and I have to, really I do, let anyone else who reads this and who feels those same feelings, know that its ok to feel them, but, and its a huge but, you need not suffer anymore. 

If I can do it, then so can you, you just HAVE to believe... 

So with a deep breath, a large glass of a chilled white and some inner courage and some hard work over the past months, here goes....

31 years a go I was raped, some 6 years later I was raped again, multiple times. 

I have, for 31 years thought it was my fault, that I was to blame, that somehow it was of my making and for 31 years I have put on a very thick mask and juggled life’s game very well, but while alone and sitting with myself it was a very different story, a dark, scary, very painful story. Sadly you can only juggle for so long and inevitably I started to drop the balls and the cracks started to show. 

Over the past 18 months it has been very difficult to even exist, I could not even walk past a shop without headlines taking me back to the scariest points of my life and to be honest I hit my self destruct button.

Thanks to the most amazing wife and a small voice in the deepest part of my soul I admitted my past to the most amazing doctor and within what seemed like minutes I had the most amazing support network around me, and you, if you have suffered the same as I, can have it too, but it takes a leap of faith that I understand today may seem incomprehensible..... but know this...

IT WAS NOT YOUR FAULT, YOU WERE NOT TO BLAME and most importantly HELP IS ONE STEP AWAY!

I tried everything to dull my pain, nothing worked apart from facing it, dealing with it and most importantly ASKING FOR HELP!

I’m not professional enough to help you nor strong enough to pick you up and carry you but i can point you in the right direction and shout from the top of my voice Today I have no shame, guilt and fear and you can have this too.

So this my friends is why I am walking 100km, riding 100km and running a half marathon, why? because today I can and today I want the NSPCC to be well enough funded to help someone who I know is very scared right now.

And a message to those who took my dignity, youth and soul, you scare me no more and today I'll define myself, your power over me ended a few months a go. scared? Welcome to what I USED to feel....

Thank you for listening. 

Roycey x

For help from the professionals go to: 

http://www.survivorsuk.org

http://www.nspcc.org.uk/help-and-advice/help_and_advice_hub_wdh71748.html

www.childline.co.uk

http://www.rapecrisis.org.uk

YOU are NOT alone...

Meet the golden ones....

It's the BAFTA's tonight, well the TV one anyway, and this reminded me of a warm up I was booked for a few years a go at "The Grosvenor House Hotel" for The BAFTA TV awards hosted by the stunning and very funny Davina.

Now this was a huge warm up, not only did anyone who is anyone attend this event, it would be a marvellous time to showcase myself as something other than "The warm up bloke"

I went and purchased a new dinner suit, new dinner shirt and all the bits that go with it, one thing I have always known is that to walk on any stage dressed in a good suit or good clothes can up your game by at least 10%, feeling a million dollars is so important to feeling good inside! (I'm turning into Gok!)

So up early that day, off for a facial, haircut, sun bed, nail trim, eyebrow trim, teeth whitening and eventually the trusted Addison Lee turns up outside my flat. It is pissing down, no that's an understatement, its a bloody monsoon.

I arrive at the greatest ballroom this country has to offer and I am beyond excited!

To work "The Great room" is an honour, to have dinner in it is just the same!! although many a performer will tell you it is a comics graveyard, but I have never been one to blame "The room"

I meet the various producers, their are many, and get a hug of Davina, which is always a treat for anyone working this life of show business (I love Davina, always have, always will!) I share some banter with the two floor managers Nick and Mark and they can sense my obvious excitement at working at such a prestigious event! They are however swapping some rather odd looks between each other as my excitement grows!

The female exec on the show finds me and introduces me to Clive she says "You look amazing Roycey, this is Clive, he will get you an umbrella" I look over his shoulder and see Mark Backer and Nick Keene two brilliant floor managers, giggling like two school children about to watch the greatest prank ever unfold!

"Umbrella?" I say with a tad of confusion in my voice, she turns on her heels and its me and Clive. Now Clive is about 18 obviously on his first job and wearing a dinner suit he borrowed off his much smaller dad, he seems like a nice enough guy but he has a radio and this can turn the sweetest of runners into a fucking monster!

I follow Clive who is still trying to work out what he is suppose to do with his radio and is constantly trying to send pointless messages!

After a short 5 minute walk we arrive at a flooded red carpet and a grandstand of about 20 people who are drenched to the skin with one holding a banner painted banner saying "We love you Simon" which has run in the rain and now says "W u mon"

I presume at this point that Clive is just showing me the celebrities arriving so when i get to warm up the "Great Room" in front of my piers I will have a better idea of my audience, sadly I was about to be put in my place and wonder if the teeth whitening, hair cut and new shinny shoes was all worth it!

Clive passed me the umbrella and said "Right you need to run up and down the red carpet and every time a celebrity arrives you need to get the crowd (60 drenched people and one banner holding nutter) screaming...

"What about warming up the "Great Room" I said!

"Clive smiled "Oh you don't have a pass for the great room, that's for VIP's only" as if that wasn't enough he pressed his radio button and said "The warm up bloke is on the carpet and I am about to tell him what to say" I really had to pinch myself from saying "Oh do fuck off!" but I have learnt that to smile and agree is the essence of this fine business we call "Show"

Clive then spent the next 20 minutes telling me what to say to get the crowd going, i listened, smiled and nodded after all Clive had a degree in Media, who the fuck was I to argue!

To say I was gutted would be a mile from the truth, but run up and down I did and after an hour of a ruined suit, fucked shoes and an ego properly dented I promised myself that one day I would walk the red carpet myself and without doubt hug Clive at the end!

Every celebrity I had worked with in previous years had a good laugh at my expense running up and down a soaked red carpet getting the crowd to cheer them when they arrived, only one came over to say hello, thank you "U Mon" it made the bloke in the ruined new suit smile, if only inwardly!

What I did do and what I have done my whole career is put it down to learning, pissed off at the time I was, but it will just make the real red carpet walk so much more poignant when it comes and it will come!

I could give you hundreds of examples like this, The Royal Variety performance in front of Prince Charles, BBC Children In Need rocks The Royal Albert Hall, An audience with Celine Dion, the national Television awards, the list goes on and on, but I think I will save it for my book, which I doubt I will ever write!

Good luck to Graham Norton tonight and to whoever gets the job of running up and down a red carpet, at least the sun is shining!

Its been a pretty amazing week for me this week personally. It would be remiss of me to not admit that the past few months have been somewhat challenging, but out of the darkness I have stepped! its a comics thing and only those that make people laugh for a living will truly understand, we are a weird ole' bunch!

I made my first omelet this week!

I decided I want to live here for at least 2 weeks!

I did some DIY this week! It was time to take down my rotten shed.

DIY started 0910
First aid box sought 0915
Google search for "Shed removal" 0926

Rule one....If you are going to a "Family fun day" be prepared to add to your family!

Please meet, Simon, David, Alisha and the most beautiful Amanda all of who are doing very well thanks to a very expensive visit to "Pets at Home"

I will leave you with some of the photos sent into me this week after asking my lovely twitter followers for some pictures of their teddy bears, utter genius and wrong on so many levels!

OVER 18's ONLY PLEASE!!!!

Have a lovely week.....