50 ways to a better sex life....

So the 1st auditions are well and truly underway for the 10th series of "The X Factor" and the turnouts have been bigger than ever!
Some of those braving the weather are even more outrageous than ever and there is some amazing talent this year, seriously, its going to be amazing 10th year!

No judges conformed yet (as I understand) but really the Louis fans go to incredible lengths and effort to support their idol!

Thank you to the amazing chef in an unnamed city for this outstanding gruel!

I  get asked a lot to slag off "The Voice" on twitter and am often asked for my opinion on the show, so hear it is: Its a good show, not as good as my beloved X, but a good show all the same.
A very talented producer by the name of Billy Halpin joined the BBC team this year and I have no doubt in my mind he will bring his wealth of knowledge, experience and genius to a show that has sold around the world!
My loyalties are embedded with ITV as I do 90% of my work for them but and its a huge but, this does not mean I have anything negative to say about the BBC or any other channel for that matter, there is room for everyone.

I returned to the golf course this week (Its part of my new fitness regime, Steering a buggy is good for the upper arm muscles!) and a game with my Uncle Dennis, I have to say 3 hours away from a phone and the general madness of a day, in the beautiful English countryside is something I am defiantly going to do more of!

Talking of my fitness regime, I am happy to see the great "Gerkin"army have made it to my training programme! Honestly, who in Gods name inputted this to a machine? If anyone has ever seen the  "Gurkha's" on a speed march it would fill you with fear, pride and admiration for the bravest of the brave.
I have written to the company owner of these machines asking for an immediate change in this screen!

I loved reading this in The Sun however they missed out on one very important part......

"Have a partner!"

I would also like to thank whoever put these tow together at Twickenham for the rugby, utter genius!

Have a good week my friends, I'll leave you with this which needs no explanation, comment or comedy!

A degree in "Schofe"

One logistical nightmare I thought as I sat and watched this drivers nightmare unfold....

Is it just me or does it seem like you can nothing now without some kind of charge?

We are now a society of greed and gain and frankly it really pisses me off, whatever happened to doing something for nothing? Or more importantly no personal gain?

I made it one of my goals this year to do at least one thing a day that was both positive and good for another, the only one rule, it had to be done anonymously! Try it, it truly is soul cleansing and feels bloody amazing!

Here are just three examples of daylight robbery and greed, it won't surprise you one comes (Two indirectly) from a bank!

So what brought me to suddenly realise I am being ripped off, it came out of an amusing call to a hotel reception a couple of weeks a go.

It's important (for the sake of the story) to say I was staying in my favourite city outside London, Liverpool and in a high quality hotel.

I arrived in my very ultra modern room (So modern you didn't switch the lights on and off you simply waved your hand in front of the wall, (I looked like I was reenacting an episode from The Karate kid!) As is normal I have a good look round, I was thirsty after eating a very lovely bag of hand cut locally made crisps dispayed neatly next to the coffee making facility and the hairdryer so was trying to find the mini bar  I could not find it anywhere so called reception,

"Hi, where is the mini bar?"

"What room are you in sir?"

"733"

"Ah sorry it got stolen last night!"

I really didn't know what to say so ordered room service and got charged a £4 "Tray charge" I asked the porter :

"Whats the £4 tray charge?"

"So we can pick up the tray!"

"Don't worry" I said" "I'll bring it back myself!"

"That's against hotel policy sir"

No wonder someone nicked the bloody mini bar it must have been bought out of mere frustration at the tray charge!

So that one call is where I started to take notice and question all the extra charges we now get thrown at us!

Buying some cigarettes the other day (I know, not great) I went to pay by debit card "If you pay by debit card sir I have to charge you £1.50" I questioned this and was told by the shop owner that it is what the bank charges him! What a load of bollocks, if the bank charged shop keepers every time someone used a bankcard then they would wealthy beyond all comprehension....oh hang on....

The banks do not charge £1.50 for me to use my card, this is just another charge to gain money and a shop keeper taking the piss out of me the customer, I made my point and will never buy from this gentleman's shop again which incidentally is at Victoria station opposite Next!

I am changing my mortgage and to get my deeds back from the bank, they are going to charge me £250. Yes the bank are charging me £250 to wave goodbye, what a bloody liberty!

I simply had to put the sticker on it, couldn't resist!

On a walk along the South Bank in London I noticed many pissed off mime artistes and street performs, not one of them had anyone paying any attention to the art they have spent years perfecting! Why? Well it would seem somebody came up with this contraption and was racking in hundreds of pounds by simply sitting, it did however amuse me that they still felt the need to be dressed from head to toe in Gold! Go figure?!

I took my girls to my one of my favourite restaurants on Sunday, its my favourite for many reasons but mainly because when I walk in I feel like something special is about to happen! Sunday lunch (or any meal for that matter) at The Ivy is simply divine and if you don't experience this at least once in your life you are truly missing out. (If you get to experience it with Karl or Fiona, you will go to another level, but that's a different story and one I hope I get to do again soon!)

I have also recently found a little gem in Surrey, if you happen to be near Carshalton Beaches you HAVE to visit "The Sun" if you can get a seat, you will enjoy the food, the excellent wine but above all an atmosphere and welcome second to none and as good as The Ivy on every level!

http://www.thesuncarshalton.com
http://www.the-ivy.co.uk

I did it, it has taken me two years but i eventually took the plunge!

Why have I decided to go green? It came out of a new love affair with a black taxi app called "Hailo" sadly my bank could not print enough paper to cover the extra debit insertions on my statement, so by cycling I am saving a serious amount of money, keeping fit and in London, risking life and limb with the mental traffic and the obvious hatred of cyclists by the motorist.....God help me, next I'll be climbing a tree protesting about a bypass that's going to kill an endangered spider and standing at the end of runway 2 at Heathrow with deadlocked hair and a picture of a polluted cloud!

I often ask students in my audience what they are studying, I've had an array of answers from  "Baking" to "Dentistry" and my favourite "David Beckham" but by far the most popular is "Media" with most wanting to be "TV" presenters!

A degree does not produce talent however I would like to offer a piece of advice to all who wish to pursuit a life in front of camera, pay attention it will be the best lesson and greatest lecture you will EVER get!

Go and watch Philip Scofield and watch the master at work! (Both on and off camera) I could add to this list with many names who come very close but (and its a huge but) Philip is without question the godfather of TV and so many could learn so much from someone who has perfected the art like no other, really its a bloody masterclass every time he puts an earpiece in!

I will mention some others, I wasn't going too but honestly I'm done with people pleasing so as a secondary lecture and ONLY after seeing Phillip you have to watch, Dermot, Ant and Dec, Davina, Piers (Political and Interview) Eamon and Ruth and finally James Cordon, there are others but these are ones I personally have learnt so much from and if they think I was just doing the warm up and not taking notes, they are all very much mistaken, for when my time comes, and it will, I will come with 22 years of knowledge gained from the very best in the business, a degree for me? Na, it s a bloody masters!

Right that's it from me this week, however if you get an opportunity today I am being interviewed by the lovely Alied Jones on BBC Radio Wales at 2pm, if you"re not in Wales you can listen here...

http://www.bbc.co.uk/programmes/b0079g0y

http://www.bbc.co.uk/podcasts/series/aled

May is going to be amazing, I'm hitting your TV screens a few times, "This Morning" paper review on May 3rd, Sky news paper review on May 15th and 29th and hosting something that will have me seen by over 3/4 of the worlds countries, yes, i shit you not!

Enjoy your Sunday and may Liverpool now go stuff Chelsea! YNWA.

Its just 5 things.....

Let me not swerve the fact that I have been a little quiet over the past 8 months and to be fair a tad isolated and unavailable from the world around me!

Sometimes life throws stuff at you that at the time seems almost impossible to deal with, when this happens, and it will, you have two choices, fight it with every bit of energy you have or accept it!

May I offer some advice?

Accept it, learn from it and whatever you do don't spend every piece of your energy re-living it, just know it "Is" but no longer needs to "be" and you will grow, sit in the pain and you'll well, sit in the pain!

Right on to a very pleasant couple of weeks spent warming up the shimmer of angel dust that is Emma Willis!

I have had the pleasure now meeting and warming up Emma Willis over the past couple of weeks and I have to to tell you without any question"A star is born!"

Many of you will know I have huge bugbear about celebrities being labelled "Stars" They do not even come close, so when I see one being born out of talent you will have to excuse my excitement

This lovely presenter of television is heading for a long and very successful career! I cant quiet put my finger  on it (You never truly can) but she has that certain "Something" that just makes you want to hang on her every word and be in her company! I am also happy to report she is utterly charming, extremely polite and nothing less than a joy to work with.

Today's youth will never really know what is going on around them and honestly I think the implications of this are far greater than it seems now. Face to face conversations unless in "Text speak" will be a thing of the past and this saddens me greatly! Twitter, Facebook, Whats-App, texting, Kick, You tube and my space The list goes on but wait, I am sure I heard my Dad say something similar, fuck, that's it I am old. Its an easy argument to put down the youth of today, but they will be just fine and to be honest with you there is not one thing I or indeed we can do in the world to change it, Why? Because we are now officially old!

One thing I love about my country is our sense of humour and this written on Katie Prices car is a great example of that...

A number plate work 25 times the value of the car....prick!

I respect the fact she tried to get a "Match" thing going on..

Itchy candy anyone?

The greatest wheelie bin ever??

I read an article recently and sent it to a few friends, its one of those articles that seems to stay with you forever and talking to a mate yesterday it once again brought me to spend some time thinking about my life, its title,

Top 5 things dying people has wished........

1. I wish I'd had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.

"This was the most common regret of all. When people realise that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honoured even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made. Health brings a freedom very few realise, until they no longer have it."

2. I wish I hadn't worked so hard.

"This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children's youth and their partner's companionship. Women also spoke of this regret, but as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence."

3. I wish I'd had the courage to express my feelings.

"Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result."

4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.

"Often they would not truly realise the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying."

5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.

"This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realise until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called 'comfort' of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content, when deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again."

I really don't want to add anything else as I hope you can ponder the above and ultimately take action on it!

Roycey x

The most important life lesson!

I know it's been a while since I have written a blog because I forgot my password and the whole "blog" page has changed, I know, not good enough! I promise to try harder, something which has been a headline throughout most of my life!

I have had an operation to remove lumps from my head and body. I saw the surgeon and he informed me he would be doing the procedure under "local" not "general" no big drama I thought. So off to a rather nice private hospital in Wimbledon I trotted via "Abdul" the local mini cab driver who, ironically was a surgeon in his previous life in Iran, gave me a good once over and a £25 receipt on my arrival - something I fear the private place  would not be offering so cheap! Maybe I should have just got Abdul to whip them out at Tooting and been done with it!

On arrival I was shown to my "private room". I have to be honest and say I have stayed in worse hotels! Flat screen TV, fluffy pillows, i-pod, Bose speakers, Joe Malone toiletries and some medical stuff thrown in the corner! I opened the "welcome pack" and was shocked by three things:

1. The amount of TV channels available! This TV had more channels than I have at home. Sadly "Babe Nation" was not available!
2. The wine list was bigger than some I have seen in restaurants, along with Vintage champagne and a "magnum" of a rather good brand!
3. The menu. The chef 'Romeo" (I am sure he must have been a surgeon also in his previous life) would "Make any dish to order! I thought it a great idea to test this out, so before my operation in ordered "Bread and butter pudding".

Off down to surgery dressed in a gown that the rather attractive nurse told me to wear. She didn't however mention I could keep my boxer shorts on. If you have ever worn a hospital gown you will know they tie at the back - now I have long arms, but not that long! So as we were walking along the very well carpeted hallway I could hear the sniggering giggles as my bare arse was proudly on show- sometimes the urge for me to get naked just overwhelms me!

Into the operating theatre and on to "the slab". The surgeon said to "Mohammed" who was dressed in full greens "shave the head". I protested that I didn't want shaved patches anywhere. "Don't worry" said Mohammed, "I used to be a hair dresser in Iran". Fucking great. The surgeon's assistant used to be a hairdresser, the cab driver used to be a surgeon and god only knows what the lovely Chinese lady who was holding a rather big needle used to do, I really daren't ask!

Then came the "local anaesthetic". Oh My Fucking God! I have never felt pain so severe. The worst apart about it all as I was explaining to the surgeon what a twat he was he replied "Don't worry official Roycey you will be fine". The theatre staff all burst out laughing. I was about to have lumps removed by my bloody Twitter followers - could this possibly get any worse!

On return to my suite (I named it this rather than my ward!) I was greeted with a piping hot bread and butter pudding with home made custard and a large glass of wine with a note from the surgeon which read:

"To our brave "Official Roycey" - we promise we won't Tweet that you screamed like a girl!"

God love private health care, god love my surgeon and god love Abdul my cab driver who, on picking me up, got out of his cab and went over every bit of work the surgeon had done and finished by saying "not bad but the stitching I could have done better" with this his sat nav fired up and south we headed south...

Off to a friend's "family" fun day next week and we have been told to "bring something fun"

Ok then ....

I entered David Walliams this week. It was a huge decision to make but worth this brave step. I know a few have been inside him before but I wanted to have the experience". It was warm, slow and very meaningful and yes I stayed in a while, withdrawing was sad but inevatble but the time inside him will stay with me for a very long time!

On Monday I am going to try Amanda!

Ok, time for my sex tape, I have been keeping it on the "QT" for a while but thought it about time I let you all see it....

I had one of those "life changing" conversations with one of my closest friends Lincoln this week. I have been so focussed on "getting on TV" that I have forgotten about how lucky, privileged
 and grateful I am to be where I am right now - which is busy warming up the country's best TV shows with the worlds biggest stars. I get invited to amazing parties and mix with some true legends, my diary is full and people actually trust me to deliver the best possible warm up! I have seriously taken my eye off the game and have been so busy focussing on "whats next" I have forgotten about "what is now". I am not giving up on my next journey, but its time to "hand it over" (I quote Linc) and just work hard at where I am. If the next stage happens it happens, if it doesn't, what  great, amazing lucky life I lead!

I love you can learn life lessons at 42. It's whether you heed the words of friends or let self will run riot. On this occasion I listened (and learned) from one of my oldest friends!

Happy to be in the background doing what I do best and now realise how many would kill to be in this picture, I truly am grateful and now intend to live "In the moment!"

This ladies and gentleman concludes my Sunday offering!

2+2

Waiting at the train station the other day for my train home after Loose Women I was shocked at the near standing jump I had to make to even get on the bloody train! This for me gave a whole new meaning to the announcement "Mind the gap"

I have never seen the banana below growing on a tree. My only "Banana tree" experience was in Tenerife when I was about 11 and, if I remember correctly, most "normal" bananas are the size of the hand not the size of your inside leg! God only knows what has been used to increase the size of this daddy but whatever it is, I want some!

So the Britain's Got Talent audition tour has started and finished and the return of Simon Cowell to our TV has begun. We welcomed our new judges David Walliams and Alisha Dixon to the panel and they turned out to be great choices, David especially, who was on fire when it came to Simon. You will have to wait and watch to see the mischief David gets up to, its worth a watch!

This has been my BGT view for the past 6 weeks:

And the man who encourages me, supports me and gives me a lot of my comedy material is my BGT sidekick and brilliant floor manager Alan Conley.

If you are wondering if Britain actually has any talent this picture speaks a thousand words! (there is a man inside the bag!)

I was so happy to be warming up the National Television Awards recently. It was a huge night at the 02 London Arena with every major star and TV exec in attendance. It was the perfect showcase for me and a great opportunity to show off to the world of entertainment what I do and how I do it - sadly everything didn't quiet go to my plan!

I told the ten thousand strong audiance that we were coming back to Little Mix. Marc Backer called the countdown from 5-1 and we went live -  then with more dry ice than I have ever seen in my life I walked off towards the side of stage. Sadly for me I didn't get my directions completely right and through the mass of dry ice I fell 6 feet into the speaker pit in a style that can only be described as epic! Some moments later my head appeared above the dry ice to the sound of Little Mix singing. I stared out to the red carpeted VIP area (which had more stars on it than I have ever seen before)  to see a number of well known high profile people pissing themselves at my obvious embarrassment!

I am not sure where I stand on the neighbour deciding to hang this from his window?

One half of me says "great, nothing like living opposite and having to stare at a England flag hanging from a window", the other half of me says "well its his house, his window, his life who the fuck am I to start spouting off my middle class ideas and expectations?"

I always wanted to buy a really shit car for a couple of hundred quid and then park it anywhere and do anything with it without ever worrying about clamping, it seems someone has beaten me to it!

Is it just me or have we gone cupcake mad? It seems everyone is now making bloody cupcakes! I ate my first posh cupcake on The X Factor three years a go and they came from the Beverly Hills Cup Cake Company. It now seems that if you have an oven it's time to produce cupcakes and claim to be the  leading supplier of cupcakes to the world of celebrity! Nothing like jumping on the bandwagon!

As a kid I committed the offence of graffiti once. I wrote my name on a tree and still to this day it stands in the woods of Bramshott. However this is taking tree carvings to a whole new level!

I have just ordered this for my house, should put a couple of quid on the sale price?

Animals pray, they do, its been photographed!

Thank you to @rufushound and his followers for posting some brilliant pictures for me to nick for this blog. I cannot claim the glory for some of them used!

Can you actually belive I start The X Factor next week? I know its unbelievable it only seems like it ended last week! Who I wonder will I be doing it with this year?

I have an official Facebook page now, please go and like and watch out for lots happening through it. You can find it here: Click on this for my "Roycey" page

I also now have a Youtube channel: Click here for my Youtube link

I intend to give lots of stuff away and start adding lots of video for your enjoyment, so please keep an eye out on both pages!

Pictures.....

It must be a January thing because I really couldn't be bothered to write anything so Ill leave you with some pictures! (Lazy I know)

I never go to Tesco, (if you a regular reader of my blogs and twitter you will know I spend most of my time in Sainsbury's) and this is why!

My faith was restored today in customer service when an X Factor colleague tweeted this from his holiday destination airport, pure class!

And now for some pussy!

You may wish to stop eating......

I know, that one left me feeling a little ill also!

Whoever thought of this is a genius!

This really does have to be the best T-shirt ever, but do you honestly think anyone would wear it? oh hang on, I forgot @jamesinrehab !

So 2012 and we are a go, I am off on the BGT tour, Manchester, Cardiff, Scotland, Birmingham and Blackpool, yes, Blackpool!
I am also doing the National Television Awards at London's O2 Arena and my new favourite little lunchtime session at Loose Women! Piers Morgan return s in the not too distant future and ITV have some very exciting things coming your way which I am over the moon to be part of!

Everything else is just talk, so for now, I remain your warm up guy, (Or in the words of Steve Brookstein: "Show Monkey!") which to be honest, I am extremely grateful to be!

Meet the Christmas sheep!

I'm not sure if my eyes are open a little wider this year or if I'm paying more attention to stuff around me but, on a visit to Sainsbury's this week, I witnessed greed on a catatonic level!
The Christmas break lasts two days, surely there is only so much food a human-being can consume in such a time. I have seen trolleys overflowing, people panic buying and above all people spending huge amounts of money we are not suppose to have!

I was to be truly saddened watching an old guy with his basket at checkout 4. He had a box of mince pies a bottle of whiskey a bottle of brandy and a tube of Borroca (this made me smile). I was stood behind him and asked "What are you up to this Christmas"? He replied "Oh just on my own". I decided to push this conversation "Do you have no family"? "I do, but they go abroad at Christmas to the sunshine with my grandkids". I swear I saw a tear in his eye and my heart melted at that very point! He walked off with his bag and his walking stick and I followed shortly after feeling sad and thinking of my family! So Mum and Dad, if you are reading this, see you on Christmas eve for 3 days of my undivided attention!

Some advice when Christmas grocery shopping:

1. You do not need that tin of crackers and mountain of cheese - everyone will be stuffed by 5pm and you will end up moving that tin around your cupboards for the next 52 weeks or until school asks for  food donation for some African country!
2. You are not Jamie Oliver- stuffing shit up a turkeys arse is for professionals. Just cook the f'ing turkey and stop trying to be clever!
3. Go on, buy the nut and fruit mix - its good for the birds when nobody eats it.
4. I shop at Sainsbury's, please remember this when giving me a gift from the same store!
5. Nobody likes Twiglets - if your one guest does they sure as shit ain't gonna eat a huge tin of them.
6. Please remember to stock up on everything, its a whole 48 hours before they open again!
7. Buy two get one free is far more expensive than simply buying one. If you do partake in this offer you are basically getting "Mugged off"
8. You really do need those tee lights, go on buy a couple of boxes!
9. That Christmas CD is a must, you can put it with the one you bought last year.
10. Get lots of fruit just in case someone goes sick!
11. Vodka will get you hammered, it really does not matter which brand you buy, it does the same job!
12. I have never met anyone who truly likes to eat a fig!
13. If you buy discounted Christmas cards for next year you have become your mother.
14. Bread sauce is not natural!


On my first Saturday off from The X Factor I lent my time to my daughters panto and was put in charge of the smoke machine. Me over exuberant? Never!

I had a Christmas delivery today from an anonymous person, thank you soooo much, but where the fook do you suppose I put her/him?

You have to love a rabbit!

The meaning of a "Rabbit" has changed thanks to my lovely friends Jacqueline and Vanessa Gold and Anne Summers. You can imagine my shock when one of my popular twitter followers (Heather) tweeted that she was going to name her "Rabbit" "Roycey". This conjured up a million thoughts, all of which were very uncomfortable, thankfully she reassured me the "Rabbit" was in fact a real "Rabbit" this was a very awkward 15 minutes in my life!

Are you really sure? I love Paul he is a really great guy, but a canvas print?

I received a Christmas card from friends of mine this year (yes celebrities) and found this message inside.

It takes about 2 hours of my life every Christmas to write my cards - yes I go through the same routine every year, phoning my mother to get the address of long lost aunts and having to spend 20 minutes on the phone each time talking about past Christmas's, but its worth it, why? Because for 2 hours a year I am thinking of others, I spare a thought for some I have not seen each year, I spend some time not thinking about me, my want and my needs and I get to practise how to spell Leicester a word I struggle with every bloody year!

I truly love placing 100 cards in a letter box and knowing a 100 people will at least know I spared them a 20 second thought in a life all consumed with self! So I apologise to any charity of mine that will NOT be getting a donation from me next year as I have no intention of substituting the fine tradition of the Christmas Card sending!

Shopping for a handbag yesterday and I came across a minefield of mothers, really if you Mum's are going to Christmas shop together please spare a thought for us Dads trying to at least get near the bloody handbag department!

I was slightly embarrassed while Christmas shopping in Accessorise. A young lad came up to me and said "Roycey how are you?". I knew this face, this was Simon who was a dancer I worked with many years a go, I hugged him and said "Christ how are you its been ages"? It became apparent very quickly this was not the Simon I danced with, the poor chap explained very quickly he simply followed me on twitter, I explained I am a very happy touchy feely kinda guy! oops!

My daughter has made this, I really do not have the heart to tuck into it, the dog however had other ideas!

I promise you one thing, Christmas morning I will wake up, turn to my wife and ask "Has he been?", eat my daughters creation! and be very grateful for all I have.

Can I wish you a safe, peaceful and enjoyable Christmas.

Roycey x

Pizza and a heart attack!

31 days do not get much busier or even bigger than the last 31 days and I have loved every minute. 

It started with the normal journey to Wembley for the weekly offering of "The X Factor". Saturday night started like any normal X Factor night, I went on about 20 minutes before we went live. About 3 minutes before titles and with my lovely X Factor crowd nicley primed Mark Baker, the floor manager, came over to me and whispered in my ear "The tower is down!". I looked at him with a completly blank look. He said again "The tower is down". Shit I thought, I really should listen harder in those awful boring health and safety briefings - this must be code for something. I looked back at him and replied "has the eagle left the nest?". He replied "seriously mate the BT tower has gone down and we are not going live - just keep them going". "How long for?".  "No idea 5, 10, 20 minutes, who knows? ". How much notice till we come back?" "1 minute"! This is when you earn your money and earn it I did but, if I am honest, I loved every bloody minute!

I popped up to Glasgow for the new Ch4 show "Hit The Road Jack" with Jack Whitehall. It was during X Factor so, due to having to get back to London, I travelled back via the overnight sleeper train - something I have always wanted to do. Being outside Glasgow train station at 11pm can only be described like being in a war zone. I have never been asked for money so many times nor bumped into by rather drunk Scotish people. At one point I had to run for cover in the chip shop next to the station. Here I was greeted by an array of deep fried things, the best being a battered covered Pizza!

I ordered a "Meat pie supper". The lovely lady gave me two meat pies. I said "Just one pie please" she replied "you have to have two". "Why?" I asked.  Its the rules! Bizarre Scottish tradition?

I have had many romantic notions about my train journey, what I didn't expect was a bed for a midget!

I seriously had to squeeze my legs under that bit at the end. It made for an interesting sleep! Not to worry, off to the dining carriage I thought. I was the only one and following a meat pie (yes I ate both) I didn't feel like sitting on my own with the jigging train and making me feel a little queazy!

I returned to London for the final of The X Factor 2011. I don't need to say anything, this picture says it all for this warm up guy!

And just in case I got a little big headed my XF family made sure my feet were firmly on the ground!

Looking at my blog traffic I was slightly baffled to realinse 14 people read my blog in Latvia. If you are one of them thank you! To the other 26754 from the UK, USA, Canada and Australia thank you also!

I worked on "The Chase" recently with Bradley Walsh. I watch this show in the background most days in the kitchen so it was nice to be doing a show without cooking, making coffee or attempting to help my daughter with her homework (which is getting harder)! Bradley Walsh is a real pro. Its old school and extreamly refreshing to work with someone who did their training up and down the country in clubs learning the trade without just having a square jaw and a gleaming white smile - true talent to the end! One of the guests was Joe Pasquale. Not many comedians make me laugh but Joe has a way of cracking me up for no apparent reason. It's silly, stupid and irrelevant but what is funny is funny and I have much respect for him. If you watch the beginning of The Chase they cut to a silhouette of "The Chaser". They needed someone to do this on the day - look closely, it is me which frankly is absurd, as asking me to represent the Chaser is like Jeremy Clarkson being asked to take over PR for the Labour government!

Christmas could be delayed!

Went to see Santa this week in Kingston, Surrey, not Jamaca and it was free. Yes I have actually found something that is free, however Santa wasn't exactly the happiest of chappies!

Kids panto this week. Four days at a small local theatre and I volunteered my first Saturday off in 12 weeks to help backstage. Well that is not entirely true, my wife volunteered my time backstage which of course I was happy to accept! I was overjoyed to be put in charge of the smoke machine for the opening of act 2, me, excessive, never!

I hope I don't leave it too long between blog posts, it seriously has been a very busy month! I hope you have a fantastic Christmas, I will!

Love this picture below, taken from my friends Angelina and Damien's house, they are good christian no drinking folk who have 12 cats, 2 pigs and a horse in the garden!