The biscuit.

So I've just got back from 5 days away in Portugal with my Roxy. Now this may not seem a big deal, but for me it was massive.

I don't live in a situation where my daughter can "Sleep over" so I never get to say "Good morning" or "Good night" That's OK so I'm sure you can imagine how important this trip away was for me. I got to do "Adulting!" and "Parenting" Although don't ever ask Roxy about the trip home when I said "Let's change lanes in the queue ..." Huge parent fail!

When I was married we would go every year to a place I fell in love with with great friends who I also love very much, sadly with any break up you lose some things, one of those things was Portugal! Who knew you could miss a country so much or even break up with a nation of people!

My girlfriend called me and asked "What does Roxy have for breakfast?" I had not a bloody clue! Being separated brings many things but I suddenly realised I was about to spend five whole days with my heartbeat, and more importantly 5 constant days where I was fully in charge! My ex wife is very brave! Even I was nervous!

It was simply amazing. I got to see my girl 24/7 for 5 straight days, be back in a country I love, eat Piri Piri chicken in the home of Piri Piri chicken, drink white sangria (This is a life must!) Wake my kid up and say goodnight and get thrown out of a hotel! Yup that happened! I ate fresh fish, drank coffee for less than a euro, listen to church bells ring on the hour every fucking hour, 24 hours a day and not once, oh no, twice on the hour, just to remind you of the time! But most of all I got to be back in a country I love with my kid again. Perfect.

I'm more swimming pool than beach so my girlfriend took us to a hotel to lay on sunbeds next to a lovely pool overlooking white sand and blue sea, perfect!

I needed to charge my phone (Nothing new here!) So went to the bar a few steps up from the pool, as I plugged in I noticed a table with tea, coffee and biscuits and all for free! How bloody wonderful and what a great gesture by the hotel.

I poured myself a cup of tea ate a biscuit and packed 4 biscuits into a serviette for the girls. Then I heard a sound that said "This is outrageous!" I looked around wondering "What is outrageous?" Two women (In their older years) Where marching towards me shouting "Outrageous and just horrible!" I looked around again, what could this be? There is only 6 of us in the bar area! They were "in coming" with anger in their eyes and waving their wrists around.

Now this is getting serious I thought as a man was now walking towards me, backing up the two very angry ladies with socks and Sandles on, this was now a "Code red!"

I was surrounded holding a cup of tea, 4 biscuits in my hand and my phone 40 foot away, charging in a Portuguese plug! This was a serious issue and I've no idea why...

I began to panic...This was a serious situation and I was still clueless!

The British holiday maker is an odd bread, often more intrested in everyone else's business than our own and I was about to experience this with both barrels and two feet with socks and sandles, seriously this was like the worst thing I've ever done in my life and I'd still not a clue what I'd done.

"Where is your green band?" The woman screamed at me. "This is an outrage" woman two explained....

Man with socks and Sandles "I'm calling the manager"

Shit, maybe one should never put the milk in tea before the hot water I thought!

You see the biscuits and tea were for "All inclusive" customers only. I actually seriously laughed. It was four fucking biscuits and a cup of tea, you'd think I just stolen the crown jewels!

I felt like a criminal of the worse kind. I had shamed my country over four biscuits  and a cup of tea. What was I to do?

I returned to the sunbeds with four biscuits and a shame of a nation wresting on my shoulders. How very dare I break the rules. I'm honestly still in a biscuit hell and a green band regression. I'm sure though they had a good holiday guarding the tea, coffee and biscuit table! Seriously what a holiday they must of had!

Lesson here? Eat the biscuits, break the rules but never be that far away from your phone!

I love nothing more than sharing people's success.  Jealousy is such a horrible trate, why would anyone not be happy for someone's success.

Here are my happy thoughts and just my thoughts....

Jason Manford on presenting the Olivier Awards and the nightly show. Brilliant

The nightly show is really good!

Andy Collins on the radio is brilliant. I listen and am very proud of him.

James Ingam selfless work and commitment to #JogOnToCancer and sharing his story about coming out to the younger generation is inspired.

Sheridan Smith in America is just so exciting. She'll pick up an Oscar one day and that's a fact! Oh to be that talented.

Bobby Davro. Cannon and Ball. Billy Connoly. Peter Kay. James Corden Micheal Macintyre, Ben Miller and Jack Whitehall, live, are beyond a belly laugh. You'll find no better. Comedy class.

Emma Jones on my twitter feed gives so much back to life and is about to tie herself to someone! Seek and you will find. Please sponsor if you can.

Mark Elliot is a hero.

Jane Moore is kind,a brilliant writer and the best dancer ever!

Mandy Emerson proves anything is possible.

Amanda Prose just sent me the kindest tweet. She's also a brilliant writer, very funny on twitter, especially in Australia and a night out with her would end in carnage!

Bertie Morgan is a serious rugby star of the future. I even winced and took painkillers watching him! Spencer did the same watching me fall off a table!

Pete Ogden is a serious television star. You'll only ever see his name on the credits though. 

Watching Jamie East career is bloody brilliant....Big up Virgin radio for beliving in him.

Emma Hughes is a person I love very much and I've only ever met her once in the back of a cab for 5 minutes. On route to Anfield - the letters "YNWA" never rang so true!

Jo Elvin, the editor in chief of "Glamour magazine" her foward this month was seriously thought provoking. Go seek.

Snails are a beautiful thing to eat, don't knock it until you've tried it! I also know where the best place is, you'll need to get a tender from a cruise ship near Monaco. Jeff Stevenson will direct you. Also a seriously funny man and  QPR fan. That's bravery and loyalty in one. If you see his name anywhere, go watch him, seriously funny guy.

A security guard just asked me for I'D.  Life goals!