My card's not cloned, I am at Chessington!

Having donated some unwanted clothes to my local "Cancer Research" shop you can imagine my shock and, to be honest, pride at making it to the shop window: how proud I was!

In every father's life your kid reaches the magical height of 1.2 meters, which means it is time for a visit to a theme park. Never did I think that the reaching of such a height would be a milestone set firmly in the overdraft of Ian Royce!

I took my daughter to Chessington World of Adventures or as I called it as a kid "Chessington Zoo". God only knows what has happened to the animals - especially my favorite polar bears, which I would stare at for hours as a kid!

The words you NEVER want to hear on arrival at an amusement park from a spotty teenage car park marshal are "You picked the worst day of the year mate, it's kids special day - we have 15,000 teenagers coming into the park so you will have to park in the field about a mile down the road". Great!

After hours of queuing with teenagers I was frankly shocked at their use of the english language. It seems now that to be cool you have to talk like you are in some kind of South Central LA gang! Nothing winds me up more than white kids talking like their roots and culture come from the West Indies. They do NOT, stop talking like they do!

I have learned a whole new vocabulary, "init" "safe" "blood" "bruv" "wot happnin" and the really annoying use of "know wot I mean" at the beginning, middle and end of every sentence. By the third hour of being around the youth I said to my daughter "better call ya baby mother see if she in the crib" I did this while grabbing my testicles and walking with a limp, yea I know, I'm getting old!

Policing in my local town at the petrol station is going from strength to strength.

I can hear the words of the robbers now "Bruv, don't do it, there is a 4 foot copper with no legs sat on the BBQ coal with a lottery machine stuffed up his arse!!"

Talking of crime, I was shocked to see the below abandoned in my high street at midnight:

Where is the kid? Where are the parents? What happened? I should call the police I thought, then I remembered: he is busy at the local petrol station!

Having a "pony tail" should be a criminal offence! Especially those sporting them who are going bald on the front!

When approaching a bar you really want to be greeted by the "Face" of the establishment I had to chuckle in London's West end the other night!

I just don't get it. Surely someone would tell him it just looks bloody awful. If you're loosing you hair, go gracefully or do a Wayne Rooney - do not grow it at the back when loosing it at the front, it's simply wrong on every level!

While walking through London Victoria station I noticed an Anne Summers shop. I follow both Jacqueline and Vanessa Gold on twitter and really like both of them so thought it a good idea to see what all the fuss is about!

I began to get nervous prior to entry. I was like an I-phone app before getting deleted. Eventually after many "walk by's" I plucked up the courage and entered!

I was met with a lovely warm smile from the shop assistant who, to my surprise, did not greet me like some pervert. After a wonder around the front I thought it time to take the bull by the horns and head 'up the back'.

Behind the cleverly designed "Screen" I found the largest selection of vibrators I have ever seen in my life! Not to seem out of place I picked up the "Thruster" and turned it on. Right then, at the worst possible time ever, the lovely shop assistant came over with that same smile and said "Can I help?". Thruster thrusting now at full speed in my hand, I really didn't know what to do, so I did what any man would do at a time like this - I started waving it around like an Olympic fencer ready for battle in a blind panic, then the words you never want to hear: "Is it for you? "No" ah "Yes" ah "No"
I thought about dropping Jacqueline Gold's name into the mix, but can you imagine me stood there with the Thruster thrusting at full speed while saying "I know your boss!" Then Vanessa Gold came to mind, which to be honest is a very natural thought while holding a dildo!

The lovely assistant was delightful. She calmed me down, smiled and took me through every vibrator available (at this point I resisted the temptation to ask "have you tried them?"). God she was good. I actually began to take an interest. Men really do have so much to learn - waterproof, shaker, long, thick, slim, round, beads, the list goes on and on. Really, is there any need for a man? Of course! Have you ever seen a vibrator cut the grass?

So to sum up. Anne Summers is all about the back, a bit about the front and it all ends with a happy ending and a smile from someone you just spent 10 minutes with. Men, we have done this before - we can do it again!

Follow the girls on twitter: @jacqueline_gold & @vanessa_gold

Some things in life I simply do not get. I have tried, I have pondered, I have asked, but still I just do not understand.........

Men in socks and sandals - Are you worried about tan lines?
3G - Why not 1G?
Personal number plates - You are a cock
Tattoos saying "Dad" - If you need reminding you should never have had a kid
Dogs smaller than a cat - Buy a cat?
Renewing your wedding vows - Did you not mean it the first time?
Tripe and Onions - Yummy Cows stomach lining!
Crocks - I refer you to point 1
Golf Sale signs - Golfers do not go to a High St on the weekend - they are playing golf.
Barrier systems (Yep back to the barrier!) - We are British, we like to queue - no barrier required!
Fishing - Dull!
Walking holidays - Get a fucking cab!
Camping - You are no longer a Brownie or a Scout - grow up!
Karaoke singers who think they are special - You are famous in your local bar - nowhere else!


I was sent a tweet about the drink below today, with the heading "Go drink some pussy" I have never opened an attachment so quickly!

Chessington: 2 hot dogs, 2 drinks £15.00, Parking £2.00, Entrance £48.00, Treats £18.00 Shopping for a Chessington souvenir £32.00, watching your daughter scream with laughter as her dad panics at ride safety, priceless! 

www.ianroyce.com

www.bdadyslexia.org.uk