Friday, 23 December 2011

Meet the Christmas sheep!

I'm not sure if my eyes are open a little wider this year or if I'm paying more attention to stuff around me but, on a visit to Sainsbury's this week, I witnessed greed on a catatonic level!
The Christmas break lasts two days, surely there is only so much food a human-being can consume in such a time. I have seen trolleys overflowing, people panic buying and above all people spending huge amounts of money we are not suppose to have!

I was to be truly saddened watching an old guy with his basket at checkout 4. He had a box of mince pies a bottle of whiskey a bottle of brandy and a tube of Borroca (this made me smile). I was stood behind him and asked "What are you up to this Christmas"? He replied "Oh just on my own". I decided to push this conversation "Do you have no family"? "I do, but they go abroad at Christmas to the sunshine with my grandkids". I swear I saw a tear in his eye and my heart melted at that very point! He walked off with his bag and his walking stick and I followed shortly after feeling sad and thinking of my family! So Mum and Dad, if you are reading this, see you on Christmas eve for 3 days of my undivided attention!

Some advice when Christmas grocery shopping:

1. You do not need that tin of crackers and mountain of cheese - everyone will be stuffed by 5pm and you will end up moving that tin around your cupboards for the next 52 weeks or until school asks for  food donation for some African country!
2. You are not Jamie Oliver- stuffing shit up a turkeys arse is for professionals. Just cook the f'ing turkey and stop trying to be clever!
3. Go on, buy the nut and fruit mix - its good for the birds when nobody eats it.
4. I shop at Sainsbury's, please remember this when giving me a gift from the same store!
5. Nobody likes Twiglets - if your one guest does they sure as shit ain't gonna eat a huge tin of them.
6. Please remember to stock up on everything, its a whole 48 hours before they open again!
7. Buy two get one free is far more expensive than simply buying one. If you do partake in this offer you are basically getting "Mugged off"
8. You really do need those tee lights, go on buy a couple of boxes!
9. That Christmas CD is a must, you can put it with the one you bought last year.
10. Get lots of fruit just in case someone goes sick!
11. Vodka will get you hammered, it really does not matter which brand you buy, it does the same job!
12. I have never met anyone who truly likes to eat a fig!
13. If you buy discounted Christmas cards for next year you have become your mother.
14. Bread sauce is not natural!

On my first Saturday off from The X Factor I lent my time to my daughters panto and was put in charge of the smoke machine. Me over exuberant? Never!

I had a Christmas delivery today from an anonymous person, thank you soooo much, but where the fook do you suppose I put her/him?

You have to love a rabbit!

The meaning of a "Rabbit" has changed thanks to my lovely friends Jacqueline and Vanessa Gold and Anne Summers. You can imagine my shock when one of my popular twitter followers (Heather) tweeted that she was going to name her "Rabbit" "Roycey". This conjured up a million thoughts, all of which were very uncomfortable, thankfully she reassured me the "Rabbit" was in fact a real "Rabbit" this was a very awkward 15 minutes in my life!

Are you really sure? I love Paul he is a really great guy, but a canvas print?

I received a Christmas card from friends of mine this year (yes celebrities) and found this message inside.

It takes about 2 hours of my life every Christmas to write my cards - yes I go through the same routine every year, phoning my mother to get the address of long lost aunts and having to spend 20 minutes on the phone each time talking about past Christmas's, but its worth it, why? Because for 2 hours a year I am thinking of others, I spare a thought for some I have not seen each year, I spend some time not thinking about me, my want and my needs and I get to practise how to spell Leicester a word I struggle with every bloody year!

I truly love placing 100 cards in a letter box and knowing a 100 people will at least know I spared them a 20 second thought in a life all consumed with self! So I apologise to any charity of mine that will NOT be getting a donation from me next year as I have no intention of substituting the fine tradition of the Christmas Card sending!

Shopping for a handbag yesterday and I came across a minefield of mothers, really if you Mum's are going to Christmas shop together please spare a thought for us Dads trying to at least get near the bloody handbag department!

I was slightly embarrassed while Christmas shopping in Accessorise. A young lad came up to me and said "Roycey how are you?". I knew this face, this was Simon who was a dancer I worked with many years a go, I hugged him and said "Christ how are you its been ages"? It became apparent very quickly this was not the Simon I danced with, the poor chap explained very quickly he simply followed me on twitter, I explained I am a very happy touchy feely kinda guy! oops!

My daughter has made this, I really do not have the heart to tuck into it, the dog however had other ideas!

I promise you one thing, Christmas morning I will wake up, turn to my wife and ask "Has he been?", eat my daughters creation! and be very grateful for all I have.

Can I wish you a safe, peaceful and enjoyable Christmas.

Roycey x

Sunday, 18 December 2011

Pizza and a heart attack!

31 days do not get much busier or even bigger than the last 31 days and I have loved every minute. 
It started with the normal journey to Wembley for the weekly offering of "The X Factor". Saturday night started like any normal X Factor night, I went on about 20 minutes before we went live. About 3 minutes before titles and with my lovely X Factor crowd nicley primed Mark Baker, the floor manager, came over to me and whispered in my ear "The tower is down!". I looked at him with a completly blank look. He said again "The tower is down". Shit I thought, I really should listen harder in those awful boring health and safety briefings - this must be code for something. I looked back at him and replied "has the eagle left the nest?". He replied "seriously mate the BT tower has gone down and we are not going live - just keep them going". "How long for?".  "No idea 5, 10, 20 minutes, who knows? ". How much notice till we come back?" "1 minute"! This is when you earn your money and earn it I did but, if I am honest, I loved every bloody minute!

I popped up to Glasgow for the new Ch4 show "Hit The Road Jack" with Jack Whitehall. It was during X Factor so, due to having to get back to London, I travelled back via the overnight sleeper train - something I have always wanted to do. Being outside Glasgow train station at 11pm can only be described like being in a war zone. I have never been asked for money so many times nor bumped into by rather drunk Scotish people. At one point I had to run for cover in the chip shop next to the station. Here I was greeted by an array of deep fried things, the best being a battered covered Pizza!

I ordered a "Meat pie supper". The lovely lady gave me two meat pies. I said "Just one pie please" she replied "you have to have two". "Why?" I asked.  Its the rules! Bizarre Scottish tradition?

I have had many romantic notions about my train journey, what I didn't expect was a bed for a midget!

I seriously had to squeeze my legs under that bit at the end. It made for an interesting sleep! Not to worry, off to the dining carriage I thought. I was the only one and following a meat pie (yes I ate both) I didn't feel like sitting on my own with the jigging train and making me feel a little queazy!

I returned to London for the final of The X Factor 2011. I don't need to say anything, this picture says it all for this warm up guy!

And just in case I got a little big headed my XF family made sure my feet were firmly on the ground!

Looking at my blog traffic I was slightly baffled to realinse 14 people read my blog in Latvia. If you are one of them thank you! To the other 26754 from the UK, USA, Canada and Australia thank you also!

I worked on "The Chase" recently with Bradley Walsh. I watch this show in the background most days in the kitchen so it was nice to be doing a show without cooking, making coffee or attempting to help my daughter with her homework (which is getting harder)! Bradley Walsh is a real pro. Its old school and extreamly refreshing to work with someone who did their training up and down the country in clubs learning the trade without just having a square jaw and a gleaming white smile - true talent to the end! One of the guests was Joe Pasquale. Not many comedians make me laugh but Joe has a way of cracking me up for no apparent reason. It's silly, stupid and irrelevant but what is funny is funny and I have much respect for him. If you watch the beginning of The Chase they cut to a silhouette of "The Chaser". They needed someone to do this on the day - look closely, it is me which frankly is absurd, as asking me to represent the Chaser is like Jeremy Clarkson being asked to take over PR for the Labour government!

Christmas could be delayed!

Went to see Santa this week in Kingston, Surrey, not Jamaca and it was free. Yes I have actually found something that is free, however Santa wasn't exactly the happiest of chappies!

Kids panto this week. Four days at a small local theatre and I volunteered my first Saturday off in 12 weeks to help backstage. Well that is not entirely true, my wife volunteered my time backstage which of course I was happy to accept! I was overjoyed to be put in charge of the smoke machine for the opening of act 2, me, excessive, never!

I hope I don't leave it too long between blog posts, it seriously has been a very busy month! I hope you have a fantastic Christmas, I will!

Love this picture below, taken from my friends Angelina and Damien's house, they are good christian no drinking folk who have 12 cats, 2 pigs and a horse in the garden!