Sunday, 29 April 2012

The most important life lesson!

I know it's been a while since I have written a blog because I forgot my password and the whole "blog" page has changed, I know, not good enough! I promise to try harder, something which has been a headline throughout most of my life!

I have had an operation to remove lumps from my head and body. I saw the surgeon and he informed me he would be doing the procedure under "local" not "general" no big drama I thought. So off to a rather nice private hospital in Wimbledon I trotted via "Abdul" the local mini cab driver who, ironically was a surgeon in his previous life in Iran, gave me a good once over and a £25 receipt on my arrival - something I fear the private place  would not be offering so cheap! Maybe I should have just got Abdul to whip them out at Tooting and been done with it!

On arrival I was shown to my "private room". I have to be honest and say I have stayed in worse hotels! Flat screen TV, fluffy pillows, i-pod, Bose speakers, Joe Malone toiletries and some medical stuff thrown in the corner! I opened the "welcome pack" and was shocked by three things:

1. The amount of TV channels available! This TV had more channels than I have at home. Sadly "Babe Nation" was not available!
2. The wine list was bigger than some I have seen in restaurants, along with Vintage champagne and a "magnum" of a rather good brand!
3. The menu. The chef 'Romeo" (I am sure he must have been a surgeon also in his previous life) would "Make any dish to order! I thought it a great idea to test this out, so before my operation in ordered "Bread and butter pudding".

Off down to surgery dressed in a gown that the rather attractive nurse told me to wear. She didn't however mention I could keep my boxer shorts on. If you have ever worn a hospital gown you will know they tie at the back - now I have long arms, but not that long! So as we were walking along the very well carpeted hallway I could hear the sniggering giggles as my bare arse was proudly on show- sometimes the urge for me to get naked just overwhelms me!

Into the operating theatre and on to "the slab". The surgeon said to "Mohammed" who was dressed in full greens "shave the head". I protested that I didn't want shaved patches anywhere. "Don't worry" said Mohammed, "I used to be a hair dresser in Iran". Fucking great. The surgeon's assistant used to be a hairdresser, the cab driver used to be a surgeon and god only knows what the lovely Chinese lady who was holding a rather big needle used to do, I really daren't ask!

Then came the "local anaesthetic". Oh My Fucking God! I have never felt pain so severe. The worst apart about it all as I was explaining to the surgeon what a twat he was he replied "Don't worry official Roycey you will be fine". The theatre staff all burst out laughing. I was about to have lumps removed by my bloody Twitter followers - could this possibly get any worse!

On return to my suite (I named it this rather than my ward!) I was greeted with a piping hot bread and butter pudding with home made custard and a large glass of wine with a note from the surgeon which read:

"To our brave "Official Roycey" - we promise we won't Tweet that you screamed like a girl!"

God love private health care, god love my surgeon and god love Abdul my cab driver who, on picking me up, got out of his cab and went over every bit of work the surgeon had done and finished by saying "not bad but the stitching I could have done better" with this his sat nav fired up and south we headed south...

Off to a friend's "family" fun day next week and we have been told to "bring something fun"

Ok then ....

I entered David Walliams this week. It was a huge decision to make but worth this brave step. I know a few have been inside him before but I wanted to have the experience". It was warm, slow and very meaningful and yes I stayed in a while, withdrawing was sad but inevatble but the time inside him will stay with me for a very long time!

On Monday I am going to try Amanda!

Ok, time for my sex tape, I have been keeping it on the "QT" for a while but thought it about time I let you all see it....

I had one of those "life changing" conversations with one of my closest friends Lincoln this week. I have been so focussed on "getting on TV" that I have forgotten about how lucky, privileged
 and grateful I am to be where I am right now - which is busy warming up the country's best TV shows with the worlds biggest stars. I get invited to amazing parties and mix with some true legends, my diary is full and people actually trust me to deliver the best possible warm up! I have seriously taken my eye off the game and have been so busy focussing on "whats next" I have forgotten about "what is now". I am not giving up on my next journey, but its time to "hand it over" (I quote Linc) and just work hard at where I am. If the next stage happens it happens, if it doesn't, what  great, amazing lucky life I lead!

I love you can learn life lessons at 42. It's whether you heed the words of friends or let self will run riot. On this occasion I listened (and learned) from one of my oldest friends!

Happy to be in the background doing what I do best and now realise how many would kill to be in this picture, I truly am grateful and now intend to live "In the moment!"

This ladies and gentleman concludes my Sunday offering!

Wednesday, 22 February 2012


Waiting at the train station the other day for my train home after Loose Women I was shocked at the near standing jump I had to make to even get on the bloody train! This for me gave a whole new meaning to the announcement "Mind the gap"

I have never seen the banana below growing on a tree. My only "Banana tree" experience was in Tenerife when I was about 11 and, if I remember correctly, most "normal" bananas are the size of the hand not the size of your inside leg! God only knows what has been used to increase the size of this daddy but whatever it is, I want some!

So the Britain's Got Talent audition tour has started and finished and the return of Simon Cowell to our TV has begun. We welcomed our new judges David Walliams and Alisha Dixon to the panel and they turned out to be great choices, David especially, who was on fire when it came to Simon. You will have to wait and watch to see the mischief David gets up to, its worth a watch!

This has been my BGT view for the past 6 weeks:

And the man who encourages me, supports me and gives me a lot of my comedy material is my BGT sidekick and brilliant floor manager Alan Conley.

If you are wondering if Britain actually has any talent this picture speaks a thousand words! (there is a man inside the bag!)

I was so happy to be warming up the National Television Awards recently. It was a huge night at the 02 London Arena with every major star and TV exec in attendance. It was the perfect showcase for me and a great opportunity to show off to the world of entertainment what I do and how I do it - sadly everything didn't quiet go to my plan!

I told the ten thousand strong audiance that we were coming back to Little Mix. Marc Backer called the countdown from 5-1 and we went live -  then with more dry ice than I have ever seen in my life I walked off towards the side of stage. Sadly for me I didn't get my directions completely right and through the mass of dry ice I fell 6 feet into the speaker pit in a style that can only be described as epic! Some moments later my head appeared above the dry ice to the sound of Little Mix singing. I stared out to the red carpeted VIP area (which had more stars on it than I have ever seen before)  to see a number of well known high profile people pissing themselves at my obvious embarrassment!

I am not sure where I stand on the neighbour deciding to hang this from his window?

One half of me says "great, nothing like living opposite and having to stare at a England flag hanging from a window", the other half of me says "well its his house, his window, his life who the fuck am I to start spouting off my middle class ideas and expectations?"

I always wanted to buy a really shit car for a couple of hundred quid and then park it anywhere and do anything with it without ever worrying about clamping, it seems someone has beaten me to it!

Is it just me or have we gone cupcake mad? It seems everyone is now making bloody cupcakes! I ate my first posh cupcake on The X Factor three years a go and they came from the Beverly Hills Cup Cake Company. It now seems that if you have an oven it's time to produce cupcakes and claim to be the  leading supplier of cupcakes to the world of celebrity! Nothing like jumping on the bandwagon!

As a kid I committed the offence of graffiti once. I wrote my name on a tree and still to this day it stands in the woods of Bramshott. However this is taking tree carvings to a whole new level!

I have just ordered this for my house, should put a couple of quid on the sale price?

Animals pray, they do, its been photographed!

Thank you to @rufushound and his followers for posting some brilliant pictures for me to nick for this blog. I cannot claim the glory for some of them used!

Can you actually belive I start The X Factor next week? I know its unbelievable it only seems like it ended last week! Who I wonder will I be doing it with this year?

I have an official Facebook page now, please go and like and watch out for lots happening through it. You can find it here: Click on this for my "Roycey" page

I also now have a Youtube channel: Click here for my Youtube link

I intend to give lots of stuff away and start adding lots of video for your enjoyment, so please keep an eye out on both pages!

Saturday, 14 January 2012


It must be a January thing because I really couldn't be bothered to write anything so Ill leave you with some pictures! (Lazy I know)

I never go to Tesco, (if you a regular reader of my blogs and twitter you will know I spend most of my time in Sainsbury's) and this is why!

My faith was restored today in customer service when an X Factor colleague tweeted this from his holiday destination airport, pure class!

And now for some pussy!

You may wish to stop eating......

I know, that one left me feeling a little ill also!

Whoever thought of this is a genius!

This really does have to be the best T-shirt ever, but do you honestly think anyone would wear it? oh hang on, I forgot @jamesinrehab !

So 2012 and we are a go, I am off on the BGT tour, Manchester, Cardiff, Scotland, Birmingham and Blackpool, yes, Blackpool!
I am also doing the National Television Awards at London's O2 Arena and my new favourite little lunchtime session at Loose Women! Piers Morgan return s in the not too distant future and ITV have some very exciting things coming your way which I am over the moon to be part of!

Everything else is just talk, so for now, I remain your warm up guy, (Or in the words of Steve Brookstein: "Show Monkey!") which to be honest, I am extremely grateful to be!