Sunday, 24 July 2011

My card's not cloned, I am at Chessington!

Having donated some unwanted clothes to my local "Cancer Research" shop you can imagine my shock and, to be honest, pride at making it to the shop window: how proud I was!

In every father's life your kid reaches the magical height of 1.2 meters, which means it is time for a visit to a theme park. Never did I think that the reaching of such a height would be a milestone set firmly in the overdraft of Ian Royce!

I took my daughter to Chessington World of Adventures or as I called it as a kid "Chessington Zoo". God only knows what has happened to the animals - especially my favorite polar bears, which I would stare at for hours as a kid!

The words you NEVER want to hear on arrival at an amusement park from a spotty teenage car park marshal are "You picked the worst day of the year mate, it's kids special day - we have 15,000 teenagers coming into the park so you will have to park in the field about a mile down the road". Great!

After hours of queuing with teenagers I was frankly shocked at their use of the english language. It seems now that to be cool you have to talk like you are in some kind of South Central LA gang! Nothing winds me up more than white kids talking like their roots and culture come from the West Indies. They do NOT, stop talking like they do!

I have learned a whole new vocabulary, "init" "safe" "blood" "bruv" "wot happnin" and the really annoying use of "know wot I mean" at the beginning, middle and end of every sentence. By the third hour of being around the youth I said to my daughter "better call ya baby mother see if she in the crib" I did this while grabbing my testicles and walking with a limp, yea I know, I'm getting old!

Policing in my local town at the petrol station is going from strength to strength.

I can hear the words of the robbers now "Bruv, don't do it, there is a 4 foot copper with no legs sat on the BBQ coal with a lottery machine stuffed up his arse!!"

Talking of crime, I was shocked to see the below abandoned in my high street at midnight:

Where is the kid? Where are the parents? What happened? I should call the police I thought, then I remembered: he is busy at the local petrol station!

Having a "pony tail" should be a criminal offence! Especially those sporting them who are going bald on the front!

When approaching a bar you really want to be greeted by the "Face" of the establishment I had to chuckle in London's West end the other night!

I just don't get it. Surely someone would tell him it just looks bloody awful. If you're loosing you hair, go gracefully or do a Wayne Rooney - do not grow it at the back when loosing it at the front, it's simply wrong on every level!

While walking through London Victoria station I noticed an Anne Summers shop. I follow both Jacqueline and Vanessa Gold on twitter and really like both of them so thought it a good idea to see what all the fuss is about!

I began to get nervous prior to entry. I was like an I-phone app before getting deleted. Eventually after many "walk by's" I plucked up the courage and entered!

I was met with a lovely warm smile from the shop assistant who, to my surprise, did not greet me like some pervert. After a wonder around the front I thought it time to take the bull by the horns and head 'up the back'.

Behind the cleverly designed "Screen" I found the largest selection of vibrators I have ever seen in my life! Not to seem out of place I picked up the "Thruster" and turned it on. Right then, at the worst possible time ever, the lovely shop assistant came over with that same smile and said "Can I help?". Thruster thrusting now at full speed in my hand, I really didn't know what to do, so I did what any man would do at a time like this - I started waving it around like an Olympic fencer ready for battle in a blind panic, then the words you never want to hear: "Is it for you? "No" ah "Yes" ah "No"
I thought about dropping Jacqueline Gold's name into the mix, but can you imagine me stood there with the Thruster thrusting at full speed while saying "I know your boss!" Then Vanessa Gold came to mind, which to be honest is a very natural thought while holding a dildo!

The lovely assistant was delightful. She calmed me down, smiled and took me through every vibrator available (at this point I resisted the temptation to ask "have you tried them?"). God she was good. I actually began to take an interest. Men really do have so much to learn - waterproof, shaker, long, thick, slim, round, beads, the list goes on and on. Really, is there any need for a man? Of course! Have you ever seen a vibrator cut the grass?

So to sum up. Anne Summers is all about the back, a bit about the front and it all ends with a happy ending and a smile from someone you just spent 10 minutes with. Men, we have done this before - we can do it again!

Follow the girls on twitter: @jacqueline_gold & @vanessa_gold

Some things in life I simply do not get. I have tried, I have pondered, I have asked, but still I just do not understand.........

Men in socks and sandals - Are you worried about tan lines?
3G - Why not 1G?
Personal number plates - You are a cock
Tattoos saying "Dad" - If you need reminding you should never have had a kid
Dogs smaller than a cat - Buy a cat?
Renewing your wedding vows - Did you not mean it the first time?
Tripe and Onions - Yummy Cows stomach lining!
Crocks - I refer you to point 1
Golf Sale signs - Golfers do not go to a High St on the weekend - they are playing golf.
Barrier systems (Yep back to the barrier!) - We are British, we like to queue - no barrier required!
Fishing - Dull!
Walking holidays - Get a fucking cab!
Camping - You are no longer a Brownie or a Scout - grow up!
Karaoke singers who think they are special - You are famous in your local bar - nowhere else!

I was sent a tweet about the drink below today, with the heading "Go drink some pussy" I have never opened an attachment so quickly!

Chessington: 2 hot dogs, 2 drinks £15.00, Parking £2.00, Entrance £48.00, Treats £18.00 Shopping for a Chessington souvenir £32.00, watching your daughter scream with laughter as her dad panics at ride safety, priceless! 

Tuesday, 19 July 2011

Clear the airport I'm eating a Brazil Nut!

Summer is truly with us, I left for a trip to the parents with jumper, coat, scarf and a gusting wind blowing like a tornado through my humble town, their will be someone somewhere who will say "Don't forget you factor 50, the wind can burn you!" These people are the same people who spend thousands on a summer holiday to the sunshine and sit under an umbrella for 2 weeks! I just don't get it!

Some notes.......

Dear Hotel Designer, Please put a bloody plug socket next to the bed!

Dear Chinese Restaurants, I need more pancakes with my crispy duck!

Dear Window Cleaner: I have no idea when you are going to turn up, so when you say once every 4 weeks, mean it, I cannot work around you!

Dear British Gas: I have never sat indoors between 8-6 and I am not going to do it for you!

Dear Doctor: Tell your receptionist she is not qualified to diagnose my problem!

Dear Sky TV: I have no idea what your call centre team are saying in some far away country!

Dear Petrol Station Man: I do not want any half price out of date, foreign, liquor filled chocolate, I just want to pay for my petrol.

Dear Builder: If you need the sign, what chance do I really have?

Dear Salisbury's checkout girl: I just want to pay, stop asking if I have a Nectar card, I do not want any bloody school vouchers,  If I want cash back I'll ask for it, I do not want to buy a poxy green bag, (it is not cool), I do not need a packer,(I managed to walk round the store pushing a trolley, I can manage to pack) and please stop saying "Enter your P.I.N. number, I know I have to enter my P.I.N number, I have, believe it or not, done this before!  I just want you to take my money and leave!

Dear Postman: "Do Not Bend" is not an instruction for you!

Dear Lollipop lady: You are not made of steel, stop just walking out in the road thinking your stupid "Lollipop" will save your life!

Dear Norton Anti Virus: You made my computer so bloody slow it would be impossible for it to get a virus as it cannot connect to anything in under 5 minutes, you are duly un-installed

Dear Police Officer: "Good morning Lewis Hamilton" is not a good way to start our conversation!

Dear Dog Owner: Please think about choosing your dogs name carefully, shouting "IN IT" across the park to your Staff" with your baseball cap on sideways gives me way too much material!

Dear Brewery: Are you really sure!

Dear Pigeons: Where do your babies hide? I have never seen a baby pigeon!

Dear B&Q: You really do not need 42 disabled parking spaces (I counted them)

Dear ITV News at 10: Turn the lights down, everyone looks anemic in the studio! (Maybe this is just my TV, but everyone on the BBC news looks tanned and toned!)

Dear BA: People over 5"7" do fly economy, stop testing your leg room using bloody midgets!

I got stopped at a celebrity event and asked for a picture, (I was a little shocked and wondered who this girl thought I actually was?)
I duly took my position next to this kind girl as she gave her camera to her friend to take the picture, then as I put my arm around her and smiled, she pulled away, grabbed the camera off her friend and shouted "Quick, over their it's Him" leaving me stood like a complete twat, i did however find the funny side and it is a good lesson in life!

Just a thought but why suddenly has everyone got a bloody nut allergy, 20 years a go we had never heard of it, no one had it and you could freely tuck into a Brazil nut without the fear of people chocking and passing out around you!

I was invited to Tulisa's (Ndubz) birthday party in London at the weekend, how I would have loved to have gone, but I really have to remember I am 42 and she is in her twenties, it would be like having the embarrassing Uncle turn up! I saved Tulisa and her wonderful PA Gareth and her 100's of guests the blushes of me swinging my 80's arse on the dance floor while miming the words to a song i do not know the title of, while doing the actions to the lyrics, wrong I know!

Planking: I was to find out this week that Planking is out and "Owling" is in, HELLO, is it really normal to plank (Lay down in odd places and get your picture taken) some people need a job!
I was asked if I had ever "Planked" on an aeroplane, of course, its called "First Class!"
Owling is the new planking however, it's a similar task carried out by squatting like an owl in odd places and again having your picture taken! (Try a French public toilet!)

I like Piers Morgan, in fact I really like Piers Morgan, their I have admitted it in public!

When Piers first came to BGT I was, if I am honest, pretty cruel to him, this was born out of jealously if I am true to myself!

"Not going too well is it Roycey"
Right their and then was payback time, I laughed as you can only do when you are in that position and called us even!

Piers Morgan"s life stories returns later in the year, which is one of my favorite shows to work on.

I had the joy of a long chat with Bruno from "Strictly Come Dancing Fame" (I could not spell his last name!) at the weekend at a lovely BBQ, what a nice bloke and very funny, I seriously need a "Bruno" tan!

I love twitter, (No surprise their then!) and being the number one name used,above Lady GAGA, sent my ego out of control!

It didn't last long (My ego that is) I have a family who brings me back down to earth very quickly!

I see on twitter 3 lovely followers (@Heatherhrrr  @roycey_rules and @Frwaaaann) have started a "Get Roycey On TV" petition, I was seriously touched by this gesture and even more excited the petition now has 75 likes! No business like show business!

Anyway enough for now, time for some traditional fish and chips eaten out of a newspaper! I am sure I have one lying around!!!

Saturday, 16 July 2011

Wrong Train!

So I have decided to begin writing a blog, as if your not pissed off enough with my twitter filling up your time line!

I have just informed my wife of my new found interest, eyebrows raised!

You need to know a few things before this begins: Firstly I got a "D" in English comprehension, get used to it, spell check is still trying to understand me, I am not a journalist, so don not be expecting loads of inside information on the shows I work on, or indeed any exclusives! Lastly this is my opinion, my thoughts, my take on life, not anyone else's!

A visit to town got me thinking about starting one of these due to the outstanding effort which is now required for a simple "I'm just popping out for some milk!" 

It all started at the Post Office, which the council, in their infinite wisdom has now removed the "free" parking spaces outside and replaced it with a "Loading/Unloading Bay"  I don't want to push the point here, but surly delivering a small padded envelope is the same as delivering a large pallet of wood, an unload is an unload which ever way you look at it right?

WRONG, I have a £60 ticket to prove otherwise!

Walking into my local post office is like checking in to an Easy Jet flight without the happy ending!! We now have a quiet outstanding barrier system, with people "tutting" and "sighing loudly" in the Q, Being very British we love a "Q" I often wonder if I stood in a high street with a sign saying "Q here" how many dumb arse's would actually form a lovely line! The barrier system winds itself round in a poetic manner, and I decided to observe the use of this "safety" system once the Q had gone, people are bloody mad, when the post office was empty, rather than walking straight to the window, we actually feel the need to use the barrier system, walking up and down then  stand like a prostitute waiting for business for the "Please go to window 4" mental!

The Journey to the X Factor Manchester for me was painful, words you never want to hear on the 0825 to Manchester Piccadilly are "Welcome to the 0825 Virgin express train to Glasgow" I was like a chicken with 2 heads, running up and down the train trying to find the "Train Manager" (not sure whatever happened to the guard!) as we pulled out of Euston.
I was powerless and in a state of pure panic and went to make the "I am so sorry call" to our line producer, when the miracle of Virgin fell on the head of Ian Royce! "Ladies and gentleman, Virgin would like to apologise that we are making an unscheduled stop at Warrington to load the buffet car" it should have continued "Which has been drunk dry by a 6ft comedian screaming I don't bloody want to go to Scotland!"

I received a great tweet from @ismellicecream this week, I think I should purchase this great phone cover:

On the subject of the News Of The World, I was happy to receive my commemorative copy along with my last 2 years itemised phone bills. RIP

I have been tweeted hundreds of times asking "When are you going to get your own TV show" and felt a tad big headed when "GetroyceyonTV" started trending on Twitter, this is a question I have asked myself many times, sadly I have nothing to do with this outcome, I can simply keep doing what i am doing and hope that after 20 years of comedy, someone, somewhere takes a leap of faith!

Liverpool X Factor rocked, it was our last destination on the audition tour, and Liverpool did not let us down, they were the loudest crowd, measured by a sound bloke on his machine! (Their is a far more technical terminology, but honestly, couldn't be bothered to spell it!)

A certain powerful person in TV was also seen traveling standard class on the virgin train home, still I made his journey a little more comfortable by getting a "First Class" head rest cover and placing it on his standard class seat!

The X Factor tour has been amazing, I was slightly nervous about meeting the new judges and how they would take to my style of comedy, it is safe to say they got used to me very quickly and were humble and giving to the end.
Gary Barlow and I share a very similar sense of humour, we had many a private joke, which, sadly for you, will remain private!
Kelly is simply stunning, and in another life I have no doubt she would have fallen for me, she is after all only human!
Tulisa is hysterical and has an amazingly quick sense of humor, she outdid me on the comedy comebacks on more than one occasion, respect!
Louis is simply brilliant, he has even started to drink "Red Bull" during the shows.

I did not win the lottery, when it had not be claimed I was convinced it was my ticket in my pocket that had won, how wrong I was!
I loved the coverage of the new multi millionaires, could not have gone to 2 more deserving people, who announced they will not be moving and not changing their car, need I say more!

Time now to enjoy the British summer, it's pissing down, cold and windy but I will NOT be defeated, shorts on, flip-flops flopping and hair flowing in the wind! (I know 2 out of three is not bad!)