Tuesday, 29 October 2013

All change...

To change ones life is one of the hardest things to do! Why? Well because, for me anyway, the changes have always had to be massive, they had to be prolific and they had to make a difference to everyone, this as I see it now is so wrong on so many levels! Change is so difficult because it is not the easy route, it's the hardest, it's the one that takes the most effort, it's the one that's often embroiled with pain and the one that makes you constantly question yourself, it's the one that separates the true from the false!

The other "Life chaging" mistake I have made my whole life is to change for others - the only reason we do this is to truly hope they will change and has nothing to do with being real or indeed true to oneself, this for me was the constant mistake I made over and over again! 

When searching for true change and freedom of the bondage of "Self" - I kept changing for everybody around me and as a result could not live a true and free life, my masks many, my fantasy world huge, my reality distorted and the people I changed for as fake as the serenity I produced with my false change! 

To transform your life, and this has been my experiene, the changes have to be for and for no other reason than for "self" and not for any other reason. You can change for others, of course you can, but it HAS to sit true in your heart, it has to be that you want the change as much, if not more than those you are changing for, otherwise the change will never ever last, trust me, I've tried and tested it over and over again! 

I spent a life changing to keep others happy, I learnt this from an early age, sadly it was not a life lesson that was either healthy or indeed good but today I can see why I lived a life like I USED too! 

Change is hard, I've spent nine months changing nearly every area of my life and it's hard, painful and most of the time extreamly uncomfortable! 

When change is made the reaction of others can never ever be predicted, in my experience, if one is looking for a reaction to your change then you are in fact changing for the other person rather than yourself! 

I have made many changes to my life recently, some I've stuck with, some I've not yet conquered and some I've completely bought into and embraced, I call it life changing and you too can make change in whatever area you wish in your life, but how? 

For me it started small and I had to experiment what real change actually felt like. I started with socks! I swap and change which way I put my socks on, it felt odd, different, slightly uncomfortable  and awkward but isn't all change? It's socks! What's the worst that could happen? 

After a while the change became normal, it sat with me comfortably and nobody else would be effected by something I did for and most importantly by myself! 

This was the key to change for me as after the socks came many other changes, a list too long to mention here, but change all the same! 

If we keep walking into the same door it's going to keep on hurting, if we decided to open the door (to change) and walk through it or indeed tried a different door, what could possibly go wrong? The fact is you will truly stop hurting yourself if you are brave enough to embrace change! 

This however is where change is so hard for so many, fear blocks us from so much in life and it wasn't until I read the below that it dawned on me that actually the only thing I truly fear in life is myself and my very own fears! 

You see it's taken me a whole life of making everyone happy and ultimately hurting myself in many different ways to realise that while others rejoiced in my actions I sat only in an emptiness and lonleyness that words can't even explain. I of course expected the same back, my expectations so high they were unachievable that the emptyness grew bigger the lonleyness greater and the loathing of others and more importantly myself undescribable! 

To change for others, to follow a path or road you cannot navigate, to place on masks to fit the people your around is about as real as the Wombles on Wimbledon common - you will believe it for a while, you'll convince yourself you are doing good, a fake self esteem will build and you'll drag yourself through the muddy waters of life, but it will be a heavy, long, tiring journey unless you start doing what is best for YOU not everyone around you!

If you tick the "You" box first you will have so much room in your spirit to give not take, to think of others not yourself and more importantly act from a place of inner peace for all the right reasons! 

The joy of how I live today is that I see it not selfish to think of myself first, to Improve myself first, to change myself first, the miracle of all my change is that once I let go of trying to do everything for everyone, once I let go of pleasing everyone, of fitting into everyone's boxes to making sure everyone was happy and going to any length to achieve it true change happened in my life! 

I read recently that the person we spend the most time with in life is ourself, yet it is the person we do the least for - how dumb! If your gonna spend so much time with you, you may as well like the person you are! Kinda simple right? 

Living as I live now I have so much energy to give freely of myself without condition or expectation without want or need, I give because I want to and because I expect nothing in return - this has freed up my heart and soul to do the most wonderful thing - it's called true choice 

Now I choose from a place of serenity not madness, a place of kindness not hatred, a place of truth not lies a place of reality not fantasy! A place of love not hatred. I choose now because I can! 

How did this happen, I put my socks on differently and embraced the little things that we feel when we change! 

Change your route to work, change which side you get out of the bed, change your furniture around, change how you speak to one person , just do the smallest thing to change and watch everything around you change, and you controlled it not one little bit! All you  (And I did) was change ourselves! 

If it's real, heartfelt, spiritual and honest in your heart the world will open up around you and I honestly believe and can testify life will have a whole new meaning! 

If you are free then you have space and if you have space you have so many further places to go in your mind and soul. 

Yes, some change may effect others around you, but if it's true to your heart then I would argue that the hurt will most certainly be less damaging and hurtful than the fantasy of truth you live in, remember those that share your beauty as a human will come with you, walk with you and stand with you - but only if they too can embrace change! 

I get it wrong a lot of the time but the joy of changing for me is; the only person I have to answer to is me! Genius! 

I do not believe for once second the complex human in all it's glory was put on this earth to stand still, so let's move, walk, run, jump, look, embrace and do just one tiny little thing differently today, why? Because you can and it can start with a simple ole sock! 

Thank you for reading and please don't think this anything other than me just sharing my experience of life, nothing more, nothing less. 


Tuesday, 15 October 2013

Dear Steve....

I enjoy my banter with you Steve, your so resentful it's funny. I hold no resentment or hatred towards you, really I don't, to win the biggest show on TV then end up desperately singing in coffee shops must be hard for you - I get that, I've been in the business a long time -  I understand your desperation! 

It's banter Steve, or was! 

Your flippant tweet tonight was, as I see it, a total and utter heartless attack on the brave brave people who saved and lost their lives on 7/7. 

When you've stood on a blood slacked platform surrounded by empty body bags ready to go, when you've watched police officers breakdown, when you've seen the faces of family members holding up pictures of loved ones you know are dead, when you've witnessed the silence and utter shock of a capital and a nation, when you've seen communities come together and embrace each other and a pride in helping others regardless of race or religious beliefs - then please come to the table! 

Until then, you keep shouting out loud how hard done by you were by the very show that gives you a voice to disrespect a county, the finest city in the world and the people that lost and saved lives on the darkest day my besutiful Great Britain suffered! 

You owe your nation an apology - I won't hold my breath. 


Friday, 11 October 2013


The X Factor live shows are upon us and as the clock ticks towards the start of a show that has been such a huge part of my life for ten years, I am, if honest, a tad emotional and as always, a little nervous! 

As the clock ticks ever closer....

Gary will be sat cooly in his dressing room with the lovely "Team Barlow" no doubt gripping his pre show freshly made brew and dressed like the front cover of the latest GQ magazine, Louis's laugh will echo out of the most popular dressing room and Nicole will be getting ready to grace the studio with great charm and beauty and preparing new phrases we'll all be uttering over the following weeks! 

Most importantly though Fountain Studios and The X Factor will welcome back Mrs O, yes Great Britain, "Mum's home!" We are again going to see why she is one of the greatest judges of all time and the definition of an A list star! 

As the clock ticks.....

The "Light Up" coffee machine in the canteen, which makes noises worthy of the launch of the Appollo 7, will go into overdrive, someone yes someone will have a meltdown about a parking space and the buzz in studio will start to become electric. 

As the clock ticks....

The acts will pace the corridor so much a trail will be left after 10 weeks, like the brown patches left on the grass after two weeks of Wimbledon, 

As the clock ticks.....

Caroline & Matt will pop up and out of every single crevice around the studio with never ending wind ups and much laughter and we, as a family, will welcome Matt to his new family, Jammie Stevens will cut wash and blow dry the hair of everyone and give us styles worthy of the Paris fashion show and Julia will apply more make up than kitty had eyelashes!

As the clock ticks.....

The show will bring tears, emotion, rows, silences, shocks and laughter and tonight the countdown from the gallery will begin - the music will start, the cameras will swing into position, Mark Baker and I will raise our arms to a baying crowd that have Q'd for hours and without question they will scream, cheer and feel the buz of one of the greatest shows on earth! 

As the clock ticks...

The famous music will echo around studio, smoke and explosions will fill the air, the now famous double doors will open and the fitter than fit, elegant, calm, cool and our Mr Saturday, Dermot will walk forward like a man leading an army! 

As the clock ticks....

We will sit upright to the command "Your Saturday night starts right here" and ten years of magical TV will once again enter your homes.... for tonight is the night we look back with fond memories of auditions and drama, from car parks, to arenas, to houses to The Live studio.... 

As the clock ticks....

I hope you come join us and be part of the greatest show on earth, why? Because it's your show, not ours! 

Let's make dreams come true, watch lives change and embrace the show that's changed so many lives, delivered dreams that didn't exist ten years a go and made us scream, shout, cry and throw things at our TV! 

As the clock ticks....

This ladies and gentleman is The X Factor, 10 years old and bigger, better, brighter and greater than ever! 

Let's do this.... Together! 


Monday, 7 October 2013


On my way back from Loose Women yesterday I walked past a crying girl called Kelly - I know her name because I chose to stop, I chose to take 2 minutes out of my day, my very privalaged day, to listen, just for a moment. 

I listened to Kelky explain briefly that today it was all getting too much, that normally she "could handle it" - I know and have experienced this cry before! 

She explained she was on a waiting list at St Mungo's - a place for the homeless yet she could not get in, heartbreaking. 

She was young, had an energy about her and was so obviously in a desperate place. 

I do not write this for any other reason than to ask you, (and to make a mental note to myself) how much time we take out of our day to simply think of another help another or just simply give out a smile?

Yesterday I jumped on a train after working in a TV studio to be picked up by my wife in our very nice car to go home and talk to my wife about V.A.T before unpacking the £150 shopping before picking my daughter up from a lovely school to go home watch TV on my big TV, eat good food in the warm and laugh and more importantly love. 

Kelly is on "a list" for a bed and some food and she was openly crying in a street in London because this very simple need was not being met, this should never ever be the case in one of the richest cities in the world - not ever! 

To cry publicly as you walk along is reaching a point of desperation, I am as guilty as the next person for being so indulged in my own high class problems and stuck up my own arse. I can forget my fellow human and stop looking around! How often do we have our heads stuck in our phones busy looking at what a make believe world is doing with its life, if we look up we may just see what a real world is doing with its life and it doesn't need a keyboard, 140 characters or a send button! 

Kelky and I made a pinky promise - I'll pray she gets a break in life, a hot meal and a life she and every human deserves, a life with some love in it, a hand to hold and a pillow to put her head on at night. 

Spare 2 minutes of your time today, give twitter, Facebook and the email account a ten minute rest and look up, take in life and maybe just maybe your smile might just make someone's day! 

Sometimes as my inspiring wife explained yesterday - people just need someone to listen, and more importantly a pinky promise. 

Roycey x

Wednesday, 2 October 2013

The last of three..


I was gutted to have to pull out of yesterday's half marathon, the pain in my knee was really too much, if I'm honest I shouldn't have really even started the race as have not been able to train correctly with shooting pains. 

I will however finish the race as soon as the pain subsides and I've had it looked at, thank you again for giving so generously - I promise to finish what I started that much you can be sure of. 


At some point in early 2013 (Not the best time in my personal life!) I decided to complete three challenges for myself and more importantly the NSPCC. 

Well it's two down and one to go, for me it's the one I am dreading the most.... its running and I don't do running! 

The first two challenges were amazing for both myself and the money's raised for the NSPCC, I reached goals I only ever saw others achieve and broke mental barriers that have stood in my path for so long, I've lost toe nails and had blisters where I thought it medically impossible to even find a blister and I've laughed, grunted, sworn and shed a couple of tears along the way! 

So much more importantly though I have managed to raise over 5k for an amazing charity and hopefully help in providing a safe place for a child in need of love and protection when they know only fear and abandonment! 

Can I take this Oppotunity to personally thank each and everyone of you for sparing your hard earnt money to such an amazing charity and the beautiful encouraging words you have written on my just giving page.  

At the begining of the year I lay on a bed wanting to end my life, today I run wanting to live it to the full - that's a message I thought I would never write and one I hope anyone suffering can gain strength from, that after all has been and will constantly be my motivation for doing what I am doing and being who I am today! 

Thank you again from the bottom of my heart...

To help save a suffering child please give if you can to:



To text a donation; 

Type IANR88 and amount to 70070