Wednesday, 22 March 2017

Advice.

After reading Piers Morgan's  advice to the new editor of 'The Evening Standard' I thought I'd do a list of 'Life advice' for my younger readers or even a list to my younger self or just a list!

1. Cous Cous is really just special fried rice for the middle class. Don't eat it, it's the devil's food.

2. When you go to a buffet you will always put too much food on your plate - even things you don't really like. Go half, you can always go back.

3. You will, without question, meet a really ugly baby and you will, without question say "He/She is beautiful." Don't sweat it, we've all done it!

4. You will tread in dog poo. Find  some grass. The edge of a curb just doesn't cut it!

5. Buying new trainers for your holiday is pointless. The trainers will be cheaper at the airport. Wear your worn out ones there, buy new ones, leave the old ones. I just saved you £30 and space in your bin at home!

6. Men -  it is your responsibility to put the loo seat back down, trust me, this one act is greater than any bunch of flowers.

7. Women - it is your responsibility to put the loo seat back up, us men won't notice so just be happy with the flowers.

8. Finish a crossword.

9. When booking a holiday look for wooden sunbeds, it will tell you everything about the hotel!

10. The greatest pain you will ever feel is toothache, back ache and heartbreak.  Brush better, work on your core but the other one is a given. Sorry, it's just life!

11. Put crisps in a sandwich and embrace the crunch. (Add salad cream and we will forever be friends!)

12. Don't moan about queuing in a post office. Us older folk had to do it without social media!

13. 👈 It's not unlucky!

14. I have never read on a headstone "This person died of nothing." Everything in moderation *Adds more crisps*

15. Never ever give up on your best friend or your bet on a horse race!

16. If you go on holiday on your own, you will return with a white back. You just can't do sunscreen on ya own back. If you can, let me send you the BGT audition application! Anyway, have you ever gone out after coming back from a trip away and someone says "Amazing back tan!" Forget about your back ...

17.On holiday: eat food and embrace the culture and people. Honestly, nobody cares about your tan. Bring home an experience, a memorable moment and a donkey from Spain. Go old school!

18. Piers Morgan will really piss you off.

19. You won't be able to stop following Piers Morgan.

20. There is a group of people who call themselves "Ramblers" They just go on long walks.

21. Gazza was, and is, as talented as George Best and Pele ....Go watch.

22.  Cous cous is still shit!

23. Three always follows two!

24. I miss three! Where did you go? Stay with me on this!

25. You will never experience life unless you've been to Ireland

26. Trust someone

27. If you ask advice from 8 people you'll get 8 different responses. Take the first bit of advice!

29. Liverpool still beat Everton! 

30. A bet I've never put on a roulette table!

31. Am I really still going? You've left right? Lol

32. Not everything in a pound shop is a pound!

33. Two fat ladies .....No wrong number!

34. Four always follows three!

35. I lost four again!

36. Macaroni cheese without grilled tomato is just pasta with cheese!

37. Does not equal 11.

38. Ingrown toenails are worth digging out! Painful but you got this!

40. It's the new 30!

41. You are still 30!

42. If you buy it in a supermarket put it in the same place you bought it from.

43. Learn how to change a duvet cover in under 43 seconds!

44. Watch Ellen

45.  Four comes before five!

46. Watch Ellen again!

47. Bread does not belong in the fridge... you didn't buy it in the fridge!

48. Not sure what to write!

49. Chips without salt, vinegar and tomato sauce are not chips!

50. It was a TV show!

51. I've never finished a jigsaw. Who cares!

52. Millionaire shortbread, without more caramel than chocolate and biscuit is not Millionaire shortbread. It's just a rip off!

53. Bubble and squeak should always be served with a fried egg on top!

54. The "rock, paper, scissors thing" is dull. Play Spoof and build The Eifell Tower from string, between your fingers, then go to tram lines! Only a few will get this!

55. I used to watch a TV show, as a kid, where a rabbit would run into a wall and hurt itself. Stop moaning about PC shit. That bloody rabbit hurt itself every week for my entertainment.

56. Never understood the theory of "Tapping an oyster" They are only ever to be swallowed, slowly, and with my mate Craig and my girlfriend!

57. They come in 3's ....But never a man!

58. "THE MANAGERS SPECIAL" Ask his colleagues!

59. You are only ten away!

60. Are you bored yet?

61. You'll never clean your paint roller and use it again. Ever.

62. Get a pet.

63. Dance on a table.

64. Try Cous Cous!

65. If you look like your passport photo you really are to ill to travel.

66. My old police call sign.

67. Talk to somebody new each day, they'll think you are weird. 

68. Weird it just brilliant.

69. A very good place to end!

62. I honestly cannot think of anymore!

Monday, 20 March 2017

Dance?

I went to a charity auction the other day for a group who run a homeless soup kitchen every Monday, they call themselves the "Ealing soup kitchen" I went because I like to support things like this rather than iust send a tweet, or in this case, send a signed postcard. It was amazing, selfless people doing selfless things for people going through rough times. Actually I've seen this a lot! I don't write this to blow smoke up my own arse  (An expression I've never really got my head round nor even tried and to be fair if anyone can they should be applying for Britain's got talent!) I say it because in this country I think we do so much for so many other people, local fetes, charity walks, runs, bike rides, parachute jumps the list goes on and on I don't ever remember so many people doing so many things for so many other people. Nothing proves this more than after the terror attack in London. We just came together.

The attacks in London threw my PTSD and anxiety into overdrive to be honest (More in my book!) But I got through it, unlike those who lost their lives and the families of those effected. I just don't get why. It's just so senseless, makes no difference and just causes pain and hurt! And for what? For what? So tragic and so sad. Love is way easier!

I've started to do a lot of "Pavement" dancing recently! "Whats that?" I hear you cry!

It's when you are walking towards someone and you go right to avoid a pedestrian "Head on collision!" they then go to their left so you go quickly to your left, they are thinking the same! They now dart to their left and so is born the pavement dance!

I've just left home without a coat due to the glorious weather, I shall now expect newspapers to splash on the front pages "Hottest summer in 100 years to come" it will then snow!

Liverpool won the Merseyside derby. Nothing more to add to that statement but just had to write it.

I was so excited to receive a whatsapp live video message from my girlfriend yesterday, her face smiled and lit up my phone, I was sat in my local club just telling my mate about her, I turned the phone around to show him my "Girlfriend" her reply "For fucks sake Ian, I'm in the bath!"

I went to see Olly Murs at the O2 on Friday. I sat not so much watching an impeccable talent and performance but more a guy I met 9 years ago who worked in a call centre and who I shared angel delight with living his dream. He's not changed one bit and that day, 9 years ago, will remain with me forever. A helicopter, a dog a red carpet, a hotel in the middle of a field and a Chinese meal with Kate Moss and her then husband being really pissed off with me! How was I suppose to know he wasn't the waiter!  Again more of that in my book. It was an incredible day and for me, an incredible night. Oi Oi Oi.

Have the best day and know this....

Love wins, you can't make a proper angel delight without an electronic whist (Ask Cheryl and Simon) Always swipe right on a pavement if heading towards me, Olly is going to be around forever (No retirement big Marky) and never share a live video call!

Big love x



Thursday, 16 March 2017

Billy.

I've just watched a comic relief video by my comedy hero "The big yin!" (Please go find it, via Comic relief or on my social media)

I actually had to watch it more than once!

Why?

Here is why....

Because over and over again, the man I watched in ore growing up, the man I only dream of being as funny as, the man who actuality makes me uncontrollably laugh, the man I'd travel miles for, the only man I took my daughter to see (He's that important in my life and she learnt swear words!) The man who walks on a comedy stage not really caring what anyone thinks  and nails Hollywood at the same time just did a masterclass in comedy...

He took the piss out of himself ...A man with Parkinsons and Cancer ..Yup, he is that brilliant and talented he just doesn't care and that makes him, in book, simply hysterical and iconic.

When I was warming up Loose Women, (A sentence I still can't get my head around) Billys' wife (Pamela) Came onto the show, she was the best guest ever..But throughout the whole show I just wanted to tell her "Please say thank you to your husband from me for driving me in the lonely spotlight of comedy!" (I didn't, I was too scared) Although I did tweet her. Pamela Stephenson was as warm and loveable as when as "Scotland's first born" walks on a stage, you just kinda have to  fall in love and hang on his every word!

When I took Roxy to see my hero, it was breathtaking. It was at the Hammersmith event appolo  (I'm pretty sure it's changed names a few more times!) The big yin got a standing ovation just walking on! Seriously .....shouts came from an arena that didn't stop "We love you Billy" I sat with my daughter and in my head said "Yes we do!" I don't think I've ever witnessed such an outpouring of love and he hadn't even opened his mouth. I looked up and back at the huge auditorium I can't even put it words the atmosphere, It really is one of those "You had to be there" moments. In fact thats exactly how brilliantly Billy does his comedy, he takes you there, or is it their, who cares, I was there!

The stage he walked on is where I've walked out to warm up BGT, Gary Barlow and Barry Manilow, I walked his walk and had a picture with the one I always fancied from ABBA ...I sat and watched and thought, I've walked my hero's steps (Although he didn't get an ABBA selfie I'm sure!) I get to say "I walked the same walk , on the same stage, under the same spotlights but I'd swap that any day to experience that moment of watching my hero and we all need a few of them in life!

Over and over (And never out!) The greatest comedian ever! I'll make a donation to comic relief and hold the memory forever. Thank you Anna for not being able to make the gig, because of you I got to show my daughter, who I only wish I was brave enough to be, and I'll never be able to fart on a plane again.

I think my point here is this, Billy Connoly doesn't care what people think, he just does "Him" and he's so loved for it. What a brilliant lesson to us all. Yup it's OK to be just you. 

We live in a world of not being able to be you because it's never good enough. When the "Big Yin" walked on that stage (And every stage I've watched him walk on) He wasn't photo shopped, been on a reality show, had a huge PR campaign to make him loved or hated to earn a few quid, he wasn't branded or come with sponsored tweets or name drops. He just walked in the room, bursting with raw talent and not giving one flying fuck!

I didn't actually take my daughter to watch my hero, I took her to watch a lesson in life...

Just be you! No matter what you do you are going to be judged anyway so you may as well just go and do it anyway, even with cancer and Parkinsons.

It's St Patrick's day, I know Nial, Louis and Eamonn, so I'll celebrate, but only today, tomorrow it's the rugby, you've got 24 hours of my outpouring of love and a "I love you Ireland!" I mean who doesn't!

Thank you for reading.

Sent from just me...

Thank you "Sir Billy Connoly" I think it's about time that happened, if only to hear the routine after.

*Bows*

Wednesday, 15 March 2017

Open the gate.

I love my meals on wheels round but today I don't.

Halfway through the round I'd open a gate to a house called "Avalon" (Also the name of one of the biggest comedy agents around, the irony was not lost on me!) As I went through the gate (With a hot meal in hands) I'd approach a home who's owner built it with his own hands. He would be sat in his garden on a white chair with a smile and warmth to just melt me.

He was Italian, and as I walked towards him I felt like I was in an episode of "The Godfather" His name was "Mr Merlin" and his handshake and kindness was just as magical. RIP you lovely man, I'll seriously miss opening your gate and seeing that smile!  ..I seriously will.

In the world of amazing technology you'd think someone would do an app thing to find your keys! The amount of hours I've  bloody lost searching desperately to find the buggers! I suppose if I just put them in the same place it would solve this problem! That's too easy though, right?

I feel a bit sorry for the Queen,  I mean over her reign how curtains has she had to open by way of a string to reveal a plaque? I can just imagine HRH Prince Phillip lying in bed and saying "Open the curtains love?" With our majesty replying "Are you taking the piss?"

I think I've just about run out of "Throw back Thursday" pictures! What's the cut off point for a #TBT anyway? I'm pretty sure last month doesn't really cut it! I almost want to go back in time to take more pictures so I can zoom back to 2017  and have a healthier hub of photos to share!

I seriously need to get back to the gym as summer is fast approaching and the only beach ready I am is "Beached  whale" ready! Seriously if I took my top off in the sun right now I'm pretty sure Greenpeace would launch a boat the try and roll back in the water! I actually love being at the Gym and the feeling you get leaving it,  it's just the getting there bit I struggle with! Must try harder!

Have a great Thursday, I'm off to travel back in time!

Monday, 13 March 2017

Break up!

Dear Scotland.

I love you.

My brother was born in you!

My hero in comedy is your soul, I call him Billy, you call him yours; "The big yin!" I only wish he was mine...I flew miles for him, it's what true friends do....

Your landscape, humour, passion and whiskey is unparreled.

You are beautiful in your views, able to create things never created before by ways never matched!

A chocolate bar and deep fat frying!

Goosebumps by way of a bagpipe!

Hogmanay and first footing!

Best tram ever to the airport!

The TV and comedy festival to match no other! 

That restaurant in the caves I once eat in!

John McCloud ...A hairdresser way ahead of his time.

The start of a bike ride I'll never forget!

Rod Stewart! (And Penny's legs....that's important!)

A tattoo we can never get rid of in our souls, legs, arms, backs ...and on and on....

Mickey Yule....

Gordon Smart ...

Haggis..That's yours and yours alone!

The Scots guards! 

That castle!

That monster in that lake!

Tartan!

Harry bloody Potter! 

The mile!

Great friends stand together through thick and thin.

I lost my brother and I don't want to lose you.

Please stay ...

Together  we can move mountains not borders!

Warmest regards

An English bloke in love with you!

Thank you for reading ...

Saturday, 11 March 2017

They know!

My phone nearly knows everything!

I was sat with my girlfriend the other day after having dinner and my phone kindly told me that I needed to leave the place we where in to catch my last tube home. The bloody cheek of it, I wasn't going home, talk about over bloody protective! I'm in my 40's and am allowed to stay out - Phone!

My phone also tells me when there is heavy traffic in my area, what the weather is like and my nearest train station plus any delays, I live on the "Southern" rail line so you can imagine how many delay notifications I get! Bloody rail company is even responsible for draining my battery,  there is no end to it!

My printer has also decided to join forces with my phone, it's like a double pronged attack, a package arrived in the post the other day, always exciting, my printer knew when I was running low on ink, had a chat with someone and that someone sent me some ink cartridges. The printer is alive I tell you!

It doesn't stop, I took a picture the other day and within a minute my phone asked me if I wanted to add the picture to the cafe I was sat in! Is there no privacy left anymore, it said "It will help other people" I was having a bloody coffee, how the hell is that going to help anybody!

I got a call from my Roxy a month or so back about a day at her school called "Go to work with your parent day!!" I had no gigs in the book that day so was at a loss what to do, although I did think a day watching Netflix and tweeting may cover it!

I spoke to my line producer at "Britain's got talent" which I was working on at the time to ask if my Roxy could go into the Fremantle offices to do some stuff, what? I had no clue! Dawn was over it in the same passion she is over our show, maximum effort, brilliant results and Roxy went to work and loved it!

The day included a trip to ITV  thanks to a rapid message to my friend Lee-anne and a finale sat in Simon Cowell's desk chair which was epic! (Thank you Ben!)

The point here is this, as the apple of my eye met commissioners, founders, inventers of entertainment, powerhouses, PA's, researchers, runners, producers, security staff, cleaners, PR's, musical A&R's, communication teams and so many talented people I thought this; TV and music really is like an iceberg! 

What we watch on our screens really is the tip of an iceberg, if the cameras could zoom past the glossy floors, huge stars, big screens and magical entertainment we watch, relax too, escape too and get lost in, it would see the true heartbeat of the screen's we watch. The people you never see, hear of and know of, are the life support machine to our remote controls, radios and computers.

You see when I read tweets or postings putting shows or artists down I don't think of the show or the star, they are used to it!  I think of the runner who worked 19 hours, the tech crew who were still working long after the slagging off tweet as we sleep, the cleaners, the security guards,  the audience people, the crew, the cast, the creatives, I think below the waterline to the bigger part of the iceberg.

I also know not everything we watch or listen too is great but in this new world it's all become way to easy to become critics hiding behind a screen saying anything we want without any thought or compassion for how that may make somebody feel or in the case of showbiz - how many people will think!

On any show I have worked on I have never seen anyone give 50% effort,  it's always blood sweat and tears to deliver our rest bite, entertainment and enjoyment. Showbiz is not a job, it's a passion and a dedication I've never witnessed in any other job, trust me I've had a few!

I read a post on my Facebook page the other day from a friend "My American dream is over" I read it over and over again. No dream is ever over, the only time it is over is if we ourselves decide it is over. Don't stop dreaming your dreams, it adds sparkle to a day, excitement in our thoughts and fuzzy feelings in dull days, it just may not be today that the dream happens, but maybe it is, that's why it's a dream. Belive in the reality of the dream and it is so very possible, anything is possible, we just have to trust in our dreams and take action. You can't take the first step towards a dream unless you take the first step!

My daughter now has the showbiz bug, I woke up and didn't stop dreaming,  the traffic in my area is heavy and I may now have to run for a train,  who am I to doubt my phone!

Thank you for reading. Have a great weekend, or week, depending on when you read this!

If you got a notification this has been posted? Sorry I drained your battery!

Sunday, 5 March 2017

Plugs.

I used to know everyone of my friends phone numbers, now I've not a bloody clue, which is why when my phone battery dies on me I almost feel like I've lost a part of me! So why the need for phone boxes?

What a stupid question I hear you ask? But is it?

My phone battery died on me as I was waiting in London to pick my daughter up and I'd not a clue of her number, actually nobody's number! I was isolated from this new world of "The phone" And all it brings us!

Why not put phone charging points in phone boxes? I'd happily put a £1.00 in the slot for 30 minutes charge to save me from the lonelyness of the "No phone isolation" but instead I have to wonder round cafes, bars, and restaurants searching for a plug point and let's be honest, how long before we get charged for using these? I always feel the need to buy something rather than just being blatant and plugging in without any thought for the person who pays the bill! It's an expensive experience this re -charging business. I know, I should buy one of those re - charging things but as is with me, I normally end up losing them or walking around with wires hanging out of my pocket desperately putting juice into my connexion with the outside world!

Lesson here, write down important people's phone numbers and use my phone less, yea that might be the key here!

Sending a tweet to "Good morning Britain" on Monday about Susannas' earings and a matching orniment made me chuckle, the MASSIVE name check from Piers that followed left me speechless, although I did do a little cheer to myself! I know, me speechless, yea right!

It's "Wretch 32" birthday today and I think he is "Thirty two?" That is surely a massive musical milestone!? I sent a video message with my best "Rapping" - OK so I rhymed "Happy birthday to you" with "Wretch 32" I'm a lyrical genius I tell you! I of course sent his lovely reply to my Roxy with the header "Told you I'm cool!"

I'll be honest I'm having a bit of a tough March, some things are not exactly going my way, but, and it's a massive but, it's OK! Not everything is going to be wonderful all of the time, problem is, with my over thinking head and struggles, little things can seem like the biggest darkest holes ever! Depression can be such a dark place and a very lonely one too but I'm choosing to stay positive and get to grips with the fact that life can be a struggle sometimes I'm also talking, to friends, family, girlfriend and my dog!

One of my huge PTSD fears is loss, never feeling good enough and worthy enough, I get scared, fear wraps it's arms round me and some days it takes all my energy to unwrap myself from my silent killer. Paying a bill, making a bed, getting up, brushing my teeth and even opening the curtains can seem like a mountain to climb. But I'll get through it, yes I will and one of the main reasons is I get to write it here. I get to open up.  I get to be honest. I get to get it!

I'll choose positive today, yes there are lots! Sorry fear I'm walking in the sunlight and your strong arms are not big enough today, they are really not! I honestly have so much to be grateful for. Bumps in life's road are just fine. It's life!

I'm having a day out with my daughter tomorrow, I'm off to walk the dog, I've found a plug and Piers said on GMB - Translated in my head "You are worthy and you are somebody"

Funny where that recharging point comes from sometimes!

Curtains open and sunshine everywhere. 

Hello spring and worry not March, I've been here before, I know the way out.

We got this!

Happy 3.2 day!

I see you...

You see me!