Tuesday, 18 April 2017

My 50 point plan and cabinet as PM!

So a general election has been called, like we need any more drama, bloody hell I thought I was dramatic! This is beyond epic! So, fuck it, I may as well run for PM  (If only this was a thing!) If Hugh Grant can, anything is possible!

Here follows my 50 point plan, mandate and to follow, my cabinet.

1. Crocs on men is now an illegal offence as is wearing shoes with tracksuit bottoms, football shirts on holiday and call centre workers who can't speak English.  This with immediate effect.

2. The Downing street cat is to be given a collar with real diamonds.

3. You can turn left on a red light.

4. Ant and Dec are never allowed to do anything alone. This shall be written into law.

5. If you have served your country at war you'll never be homeless. Pay for public transport or pay for a pint. (Just one though, tmes are hard!) You'll also be given any upgrade on a flight when possible. I did a trip to Tedworth house for H4H. If you did you'd understand the last point.

6. Billy Connelly will be knighted within an hour of me becoming PM.

7. The Q'ing system in any store with barriers and ropes will be abolished. We are British,we are the king's and Queens of Q'ing we don't need barriers and ropes!

8. Self service payment machines abolished. It's nice to have a real conversation rather than an unexpected item in a bagging area!

9. Commit a life sentence. A life of hard labour. Not a lovely prison cell with purks. You lost your human rights when you took another's. 

10. Emergency services staff will all be on equal pay and to the highest level.

11. It's illegal to pay a man more money than a woman in the same job. This includes sport. And all trophys to be the same size. Bloody men always needed in to make it seem bigger!

12. Any postman/woman who is still wearing their shorts in the winter months to be given a special kinda medal. Danny Boyle to design it!

13. It's still not unlucky!

14. Every employer to give its staff two duvet days a year for when you just can't be arsed. This on top of holidays and payed.

15. Death tax and stamp duty. Scrapped.

16. Marine A released with full reinstatement of his Royal marine uniform. Medals and honour. Awarded another medal.

17. Not everyone has to wear a high visibility vest just because someone said you had too!

18. Heath and safety to be re-named "Common sense!"

19. You can't buy a pet until you've had a rescue one first!

20. Blackpool to be made into a UK Vegas. With rock!

21. My lucky number on a roulette table. It will be the new number of "Number 10"

22. You can park on a single yellow line.

23. Nobody will ever have to pay to go to the toilet.

24. "Davina McCall hugging day" will actually become a national hugging day and in her name. This will happen in the house of commons and Lords on said date. It will not be debated.

25. Sheridan Smith will have to pop into "Number 21" with her woofs at least once a week for a rave up.

26. The only staff employed at "Number 21" and junior government positions will come from The princess trust. Mind. Help for hero's.  NSPCC survivors. Anti bullying pro. AA and NA.

27. Every company and employer of over 10 people has to employ a homeless person. By law. See above in addition.

28. A bank holiday named "Diana day"

29. It is at the time illegal to wash your car on the street. I'm going to abolish this. I'm going to make Britain "Great again!"

30. Fall asleep in the house of Lords! Fired immediately and stripped of all title.

31. Fire everyone working on the tube. Reinstate within 5 minutes with new "No strike" contract. We will survive. They earn more than a nurse for pulling a handle up and down. This within 48 hours of my victory.

32. PMQ'S once a year to be held in pyjamas! Once a year in shorts and once a year by the kids of elected members or relatives of said elected members under the age of 16. They know best! They will teach us much.

33. Every person earning over £1m a year or worth more than £1m, by law will have to give a talk to a school they went too.

34. If you ride a bike in London you will need to pay a tax. After all, the whole of London just built you massive cycle lanes bringing the traffic to a standstill and even the busses. Utter madness. Everyone pays there fair way.

35. We will have a bank holiday Wednesday. See 28. Change the rules!

36. The Isle Of White is never allowed to leave us. It has cows!

37. My PM car will go to a "Drive through car wash" thing once a week and I'll be happy to say "Yes, inside and out!"

38. I will limit the amount of "Nail bar" things in every town. You only need a couple.  I'll consider hairdressers too. It's ridiculous!

39. Every series of a TV show will have a "Make up free week" Airbrushing is banned and let's inspire our future generation to be OK with themselves as themselves. With immediate effect.

40. Boris Johnson. Donald Trump and that North Korean bloke to be sent to Phil Smith the hairdresser immediately.  Peace and honesty is always found at the hairdressers.

41. Harry Rednapp appointed England manager at the next vacancy.

42. Everytime I go on camera it will be a Simon Cowell lead production. And with pyros, a red carpet and carrots, green tea and a buzzer!

43. WIFI will be free everywhere and you won't have to give your e mail address , to then receive a million e mails. The same will apply when you buy something. It's bloody madness!

44. Nobody will be homeless. Nobody needs to be!

45. Carry a knife or gun in a public place. 20 years in prison. You carry with intent.

46. Reduce the price of garden furniture!

47. Build a new runway at Heathrow, Gatwick, Luton, Birmingham, Liverpool, Glasgow and City, no wait, not city,  we have to stop filming The XF every five minutes because of the noise! I honestly don't know what the issue is? I have a knock on the door everyday asking if my driveway needs a re tarmac. I'll get his name next time and make us "Great again!"

48. The "hear hear hear" chant in the house of commons to be replaced by a football chant. It's boring.

49. Have I been elected yet?

50. I shall be sent to an English grammar course within an hour to learn where a comma goes. I won't listen and probably think, fuck it, let's do number 37!

Minister of food. Gino. He is required to turn up to all minister meeting naked with apron,  at the request of the minister for fun -  Sheridan Smith.

Minister of crime - Mark Williams Thomas! Sue Hill to be his deputy when he's off to watch rugby!

Minister of  international stuff - Boris. See mandate 40!

Minister of football - Gary Lineker. Obviously.

Minister of entertainment - I'm going to open an app and let the nation decide! Live on prime time TV.  This will also save the NHS by way of advertising. I'll do this a lot!

Deputy PM -  My daughter. She speaks sense to me!

Minister for the environment - The bloke in a high visibility jacket at my local tip. Man's a ninja!

Minister of health - The body coach one week. The juice master the next!  All must be conducted with a Davina video.

Minister of mental health? Not an area I'd be good at picking but I'm going with a certain Mrs Berger and her nanna. A scouse legend and fighter! Stephen Fry when she's on holiday.

Minister of transport - Clarkson

Minister of housing - The MD who paid me shit loads to do a corporate gig last year for his housing company!

Minister of looking after the table before minister meetings and making it look fab -Kelly Hoppen

Minister of looking after the cat - Emma Jones.

Minister of firing people asleep in the house of Lords? - Lord Sugar. Unless he's asleep then this has gone to shit. I'll just call a general election!

Minister of tarmac for runways - That bloke who knocks on my door twice a week about the recent tarmac of my drive.

Minister of showbiz - Sir Bruce....No wait ..law states no "Child stars!" So appointed to Paul O'Grady.

Minister of music. See below!

Minister of all ministers - Simon Cowell, obviously!

Minister to tell all minsters everything - See above.

Minister of promotion and publicity -  Piers Morgan.

Minister of food. Stig Atwell daughter.

Minister to lead us out of the "Health and saftey" nightmare To "Simply common sense" -  Jane Moore.

Have a great day you lot.

All my love,

Your PM!

We will put the great back in Britain and a comma where ever I feel like it!

We got this.

June 8th  for us all. June 9th for UKIP - You get a special day to vote. ...Let me make that a mandate! 

Wednesday, 5 April 2017

The biscuit.

So I've just got back from 5 days away in Portugal with my Roxy. Now this may not seem a big deal, but for me it was massive.

I don't live in a situation where my daughter can "Sleep over" so I never get to say "Good morning" or "Good night" That's OK so I'm sure you can imagine how important this trip away was for me. I got to do "Adulting!" and "Parenting" Although don't ever ask Roxy about the trip home when I said "Let's change lanes in the queue ..." Huge parent fail!

When I was married we would go every year to a place I fell in love with with great friends who I also love very much, sadly with any break up you lose some things, one of those things was Portugal! Who knew you could miss a country so much or even break up with a nation of people!

My girlfriend called me and asked "What does Roxy have for breakfast?" I had not a bloody clue! Being separated brings many things but I suddenly realised I was about to spend five whole days with my heartbeat, and more importantly 5 constant days where I was fully in charge! My ex wife is very brave! Even I was nervous!

It was simply amazing. I got to see my girl 24/7 for 5 straight days, be back in a country I love, eat Piri Piri chicken in the home of Piri Piri chicken, drink white sangria (This is a life must!) Wake my kid up and say goodnight and get thrown out of a hotel! Yup that happened! I ate fresh fish, drank coffee for less than a euro, listen to church bells ring on the hour every fucking hour, 24 hours a day and not once, oh no, twice on the hour, just to remind you of the time! But most of all I got to be back in a country I love with my kid again. Perfect.

I'm more swimming pool than beach so my girlfriend took us to a hotel to lay on sunbeds next to a lovely pool overlooking white sand and blue sea, perfect!

I needed to charge my phone (Nothing new here!) So went to the bar a few steps up from the pool, as I plugged in I noticed a table with tea, coffee and biscuits and all for free! How bloody wonderful and what a great gesture by the hotel.

I poured myself a cup of tea ate a biscuit and packed 4 biscuits into a serviette for the girls. Then I heard a sound that said "This is outrageous!" I looked around wondering "What is outrageous?" Two women (In their older years) Where marching towards me shouting "Outrageous and just horrible!" I looked around again, what could this be? There is only 6 of us in the bar area! They were "in coming" with anger in their eyes and waving their wrists around.

Now this is getting serious I thought as a man was now walking towards me, backing up the two very angry ladies with socks and Sandles on, this was now a "Code red!"

I was surrounded holding a cup of tea, 4 biscuits in my hand and my phone 40 foot away, charging in a Portuguese plug! This was a serious issue and I've no idea why...

I began to panic...This was a serious situation and I was still clueless!

The British holiday maker is an odd bread, often more intrested in everyone else's business than our own and I was about to experience this with both barrels and two feet with socks and sandles, seriously this was like the worst thing I've ever done in my life and I'd still not a clue what I'd done.

"Where is your green band?" The woman screamed at me. "This is an outrage" woman two explained....

Man with socks and Sandles "I'm calling the manager"

Shit, maybe one should never put the milk in tea before the hot water I thought!

You see the biscuits and tea were for "All inclusive" customers only. I actually seriously laughed. It was four fucking biscuits and a cup of tea, you'd think I just stolen the crown jewels!

I felt like a criminal of the worse kind. I had shamed my country over four biscuits  and a cup of tea. What was I to do?

I returned to the sunbeds with four biscuits and a shame of a nation wresting on my shoulders. How very dare I break the rules. I'm honestly still in a biscuit hell and a green band regression. I'm sure though they had a good holiday guarding the tea, coffee and biscuit table! Seriously what a holiday they must of had!

Lesson here? Eat the biscuits, break the rules but never be that far away from your phone!

I love nothing more than sharing people's success.  Jealousy is such a horrible trate, why would anyone not be happy for someone's success.

Here are my happy thoughts and just my thoughts....

Jason Manford on presenting the Olivier Awards and the nightly show. Brilliant

The nightly show is really good!

Andy Collins on the radio is brilliant. I listen and am very proud of him.

James Ingam selfless work and commitment to #JogOnToCancer and sharing his story about coming out to the younger generation is inspired.

Sheridan Smith in America is just so exciting. She'll pick up an Oscar one day and that's a fact! Oh to be that talented.

Bobby Davro. Cannon and Ball. Billy Connoly. Peter Kay. James Corden Micheal Macintyre, Ben Miller and Jack Whitehall, live, are beyond a belly laugh. You'll find no better. Comedy class.

Emma Jones on my twitter feed gives so much back to life and is about to tie herself to someone! Seek and you will find. Please sponsor if you can.

Mark Elliot is a hero.

Jane Moore is kind,a brilliant writer and the best dancer ever!

Mandy Emerson proves anything is possible.

Amanda Prose just sent me the kindest tweet. She's also a brilliant writer, very funny on twitter, especially in Australia and a night out with her would end in carnage!

Bertie Morgan is a serious rugby star of the future. I even winced and took painkillers watching him! Spencer did the same watching me fall off a table!

Pete Ogden is a serious television star. You'll only ever see his name on the credits though. 

Watching Jamie East career is bloody brilliant....Big up Virgin radio for beliving in him.

Emma Hughes is a person I love very much and I've only ever met her once in the back of a cab for 5 minutes. On route to Anfield - the letters "YNWA" never rang so true!

Jo Elvin, the editor in chief of "Glamour magazine" her foward this month was seriously thought provoking. Go seek.

Snails are a beautiful thing to eat, don't knock it until you've tried it! I also know where the best place is, you'll need to get a tender from a cruise ship near Monaco. Jeff Stevenson will direct you. Also a seriously funny man and  QPR fan. That's bravery and loyalty in one. If you see his name anywhere, go watch him, seriously funny guy.

A security guard just asked me for I'D.  Life goals!