Friday, 23 December 2011

Meet the Christmas sheep!

I'm not sure if my eyes are open a little wider this year or if I'm paying more attention to stuff around me but, on a visit to Sainsbury's this week, I witnessed greed on a catatonic level!
The Christmas break lasts two days, surely there is only so much food a human-being can consume in such a time. I have seen trolleys overflowing, people panic buying and above all people spending huge amounts of money we are not suppose to have!

I was to be truly saddened watching an old guy with his basket at checkout 4. He had a box of mince pies a bottle of whiskey a bottle of brandy and a tube of Borroca (this made me smile). I was stood behind him and asked "What are you up to this Christmas"? He replied "Oh just on my own". I decided to push this conversation "Do you have no family"? "I do, but they go abroad at Christmas to the sunshine with my grandkids". I swear I saw a tear in his eye and my heart melted at that very point! He walked off with his bag and his walking stick and I followed shortly after feeling sad and thinking of my family! So Mum and Dad, if you are reading this, see you on Christmas eve for 3 days of my undivided attention!

Some advice when Christmas grocery shopping:

1. You do not need that tin of crackers and mountain of cheese - everyone will be stuffed by 5pm and you will end up moving that tin around your cupboards for the next 52 weeks or until school asks for  food donation for some African country!
2. You are not Jamie Oliver- stuffing shit up a turkeys arse is for professionals. Just cook the f'ing turkey and stop trying to be clever!
3. Go on, buy the nut and fruit mix - its good for the birds when nobody eats it.
4. I shop at Sainsbury's, please remember this when giving me a gift from the same store!
5. Nobody likes Twiglets - if your one guest does they sure as shit ain't gonna eat a huge tin of them.
6. Please remember to stock up on everything, its a whole 48 hours before they open again!
7. Buy two get one free is far more expensive than simply buying one. If you do partake in this offer you are basically getting "Mugged off"
8. You really do need those tee lights, go on buy a couple of boxes!
9. That Christmas CD is a must, you can put it with the one you bought last year.
10. Get lots of fruit just in case someone goes sick!
11. Vodka will get you hammered, it really does not matter which brand you buy, it does the same job!
12. I have never met anyone who truly likes to eat a fig!
13. If you buy discounted Christmas cards for next year you have become your mother.
14. Bread sauce is not natural!

On my first Saturday off from The X Factor I lent my time to my daughters panto and was put in charge of the smoke machine. Me over exuberant? Never!

I had a Christmas delivery today from an anonymous person, thank you soooo much, but where the fook do you suppose I put her/him?

You have to love a rabbit!

The meaning of a "Rabbit" has changed thanks to my lovely friends Jacqueline and Vanessa Gold and Anne Summers. You can imagine my shock when one of my popular twitter followers (Heather) tweeted that she was going to name her "Rabbit" "Roycey". This conjured up a million thoughts, all of which were very uncomfortable, thankfully she reassured me the "Rabbit" was in fact a real "Rabbit" this was a very awkward 15 minutes in my life!

Are you really sure? I love Paul he is a really great guy, but a canvas print?

I received a Christmas card from friends of mine this year (yes celebrities) and found this message inside.

It takes about 2 hours of my life every Christmas to write my cards - yes I go through the same routine every year, phoning my mother to get the address of long lost aunts and having to spend 20 minutes on the phone each time talking about past Christmas's, but its worth it, why? Because for 2 hours a year I am thinking of others, I spare a thought for some I have not seen each year, I spend some time not thinking about me, my want and my needs and I get to practise how to spell Leicester a word I struggle with every bloody year!

I truly love placing 100 cards in a letter box and knowing a 100 people will at least know I spared them a 20 second thought in a life all consumed with self! So I apologise to any charity of mine that will NOT be getting a donation from me next year as I have no intention of substituting the fine tradition of the Christmas Card sending!

Shopping for a handbag yesterday and I came across a minefield of mothers, really if you Mum's are going to Christmas shop together please spare a thought for us Dads trying to at least get near the bloody handbag department!

I was slightly embarrassed while Christmas shopping in Accessorise. A young lad came up to me and said "Roycey how are you?". I knew this face, this was Simon who was a dancer I worked with many years a go, I hugged him and said "Christ how are you its been ages"? It became apparent very quickly this was not the Simon I danced with, the poor chap explained very quickly he simply followed me on twitter, I explained I am a very happy touchy feely kinda guy! oops!

My daughter has made this, I really do not have the heart to tuck into it, the dog however had other ideas!

I promise you one thing, Christmas morning I will wake up, turn to my wife and ask "Has he been?", eat my daughters creation! and be very grateful for all I have.

Can I wish you a safe, peaceful and enjoyable Christmas.

Roycey x

Sunday, 18 December 2011

Pizza and a heart attack!

31 days do not get much busier or even bigger than the last 31 days and I have loved every minute. 
It started with the normal journey to Wembley for the weekly offering of "The X Factor". Saturday night started like any normal X Factor night, I went on about 20 minutes before we went live. About 3 minutes before titles and with my lovely X Factor crowd nicley primed Mark Baker, the floor manager, came over to me and whispered in my ear "The tower is down!". I looked at him with a completly blank look. He said again "The tower is down". Shit I thought, I really should listen harder in those awful boring health and safety briefings - this must be code for something. I looked back at him and replied "has the eagle left the nest?". He replied "seriously mate the BT tower has gone down and we are not going live - just keep them going". "How long for?".  "No idea 5, 10, 20 minutes, who knows? ". How much notice till we come back?" "1 minute"! This is when you earn your money and earn it I did but, if I am honest, I loved every bloody minute!

I popped up to Glasgow for the new Ch4 show "Hit The Road Jack" with Jack Whitehall. It was during X Factor so, due to having to get back to London, I travelled back via the overnight sleeper train - something I have always wanted to do. Being outside Glasgow train station at 11pm can only be described like being in a war zone. I have never been asked for money so many times nor bumped into by rather drunk Scotish people. At one point I had to run for cover in the chip shop next to the station. Here I was greeted by an array of deep fried things, the best being a battered covered Pizza!

I ordered a "Meat pie supper". The lovely lady gave me two meat pies. I said "Just one pie please" she replied "you have to have two". "Why?" I asked.  Its the rules! Bizarre Scottish tradition?

I have had many romantic notions about my train journey, what I didn't expect was a bed for a midget!

I seriously had to squeeze my legs under that bit at the end. It made for an interesting sleep! Not to worry, off to the dining carriage I thought. I was the only one and following a meat pie (yes I ate both) I didn't feel like sitting on my own with the jigging train and making me feel a little queazy!

I returned to London for the final of The X Factor 2011. I don't need to say anything, this picture says it all for this warm up guy!

And just in case I got a little big headed my XF family made sure my feet were firmly on the ground!

Looking at my blog traffic I was slightly baffled to realinse 14 people read my blog in Latvia. If you are one of them thank you! To the other 26754 from the UK, USA, Canada and Australia thank you also!

I worked on "The Chase" recently with Bradley Walsh. I watch this show in the background most days in the kitchen so it was nice to be doing a show without cooking, making coffee or attempting to help my daughter with her homework (which is getting harder)! Bradley Walsh is a real pro. Its old school and extreamly refreshing to work with someone who did their training up and down the country in clubs learning the trade without just having a square jaw and a gleaming white smile - true talent to the end! One of the guests was Joe Pasquale. Not many comedians make me laugh but Joe has a way of cracking me up for no apparent reason. It's silly, stupid and irrelevant but what is funny is funny and I have much respect for him. If you watch the beginning of The Chase they cut to a silhouette of "The Chaser". They needed someone to do this on the day - look closely, it is me which frankly is absurd, as asking me to represent the Chaser is like Jeremy Clarkson being asked to take over PR for the Labour government!

Christmas could be delayed!

Went to see Santa this week in Kingston, Surrey, not Jamaca and it was free. Yes I have actually found something that is free, however Santa wasn't exactly the happiest of chappies!

Kids panto this week. Four days at a small local theatre and I volunteered my first Saturday off in 12 weeks to help backstage. Well that is not entirely true, my wife volunteered my time backstage which of course I was happy to accept! I was overjoyed to be put in charge of the smoke machine for the opening of act 2, me, excessive, never!

I hope I don't leave it too long between blog posts, it seriously has been a very busy month! I hope you have a fantastic Christmas, I will!

Love this picture below, taken from my friends Angelina and Damien's house, they are good christian no drinking folk who have 12 cats, 2 pigs and a horse in the garden!

Tuesday, 8 November 2011

Thank you Simon!

It's half term so I have been fully focused on the needs of an eight year old! First up was a trip to a leisure centre that has a pool, slides, tubes, wave machine and diving boards. It was great fun and my daughter and I had the most amazing time, until she decided we should head for the diving boards.

There were three sizes, easy spring, you needs some balls spring and you gotta be fucking kidding me, (no spring) She went first on the spring board, good spring jump and dive. I have done this a million times as a kid and remember winning the scout spring board diving badge aged 10. I took my run up, gave it a good jump, sprung into the air and landed flat on my back! I slightly over judged the "spring" bit! Embarrassing dad, stage one! Off we went to the middle spring board. I chose to do the simple jump straight in dive not to cause my darling daughter any more embarrassment, she did a full run and jump, putting me to shame!

"To the top one daddy" my daughter cried. Well it didn't look that high! We queued for about 15 minutes - I was the oldest person by a country mile. Up 3 sets of steps I climbed, i walked to the edge looked over, looked up and in good old Royce fashion under my breath uttered "Fuck that"! Then came the mortifying walk back down the steps to sniggers from a bunch of kids some distance below.
The worst was to come - my eight year old passed me, laughed and jumped in like she was stepping off the bank of a stream. Yes I was undone by an eight year old and laughed at by a bunch of spotty kids, trust me I have no shame!

The one thing that really struck me on the adventure to the swimming baths is that parents need to STOP eating, more the point, they need to STOP feeding their kids so much! We truly are becoming a seriously chubby nation. Out of the 100's of parents in that pool on that day I did not see one fit person! I will save this whole topic of conversation for a later date, on what? You will find out shortly!

I think it is important to dress up to travel on a train. I just pray this wasn't going to be a blind date! Can you imagine, Blondie bombshell with long boots and huge eyes will meet you under the clock at Waterloo!

I have been to Wales, well - "The Valleys" to be precise! A TV show in a working men's club in the middle of know where proved to be an interesting return to my stand up days when I spent many a dark cold night touring the clubs of south Wales. This particular club was the only thing in the village, it even had a cinema!

 And you got free sugar!

Allow me to introduce you to Mr Puddle. I have no idea who the "Gold Chained" rapper is next to him!
 So popular was Mr Puddle they named the snooker room after him!

Dinner was served and this was accompanied by a biscuit selection like I have never seen before!
 Rich Tea?
 There were another 5 pictures of biscuits, but I really didn't want to bore you any more!

One of the most impressive things about the club surely has to be Martin, who played snooker. He broke a record on "Table 2" - the club only had one snooker table which left both me and the crew wondering if his prize was actually "Table 2"!

The locals came out in force for the visiting TV circus!

Christmas at the club is going to be a sell out with Stan Stennett strutting his acting skills in Dick Whittington! I suppose he could always have a go at breaking the "102" break in the interval?

 Don't ever think that because you are in a hidden village at the bottom of a mountain that these people do not know how to enjoy themselves, they come in all shapes and sizes!

Finding my way out took 20 minutes, I really must take a "Welsh" phrase book with me next time!

Do you think the person who wrote the Welsh language just got bored when he got to "Lift"?

I am doing the warm up for "Alright On The Night" with the lovely Griff Rees Jones, who seems to think my name is "Simon". He referred to me all the way through the show as "Simon" - I really didn't have the heart to tell him, so I'll just stick with it. I even changed my name on my dressing room door just to save any embarrassment! Griff did the loveliest thing at the end of the show this week which I have not seen for a very long time, he thanked everyone, cameras, cleaners, lighting, sound, production and yes even "Simon" - Serious "Old School" manners and appreciated by many, hats off to Griff.

Behind every brilliant television comedy is a brilliant producer, there is a rising star in our business right now who has made and will continue to make seriously funny television something which is no easy task!
Dan Baldwin is without doubt one of the most talented TV execs of this generation and I have no doubt you and I will hear much more about this gifted individual. You can follow him on twitter @DanPBaldwin

I asked my lovely followers on twitter (Just over 19000 now) to send pictures through including a "Roycey" sign last week It amazes me how dedicated my lot are - here are a few of their amazing efforts:

So "Spooks" has finished. I am going to seriously miss Harry, Ruth and the team, not that I buy into TV much but the security of this country is about to go to shit without Harry at the helm!

X Factor is in full swing now and we are visited this week by Lady Gaga and 1 Direction. I think Fountain Studios, the security team, the parking attendant but most of all the local traffic is about to go into meltdown!

Have a good week my friends. I hope you are tuning into LBC Sunday mornings at 0930 for my take on backstage at The X Factor. LBC 97.3 FM, Sky TV 0112 or through the web:

Special thoughts go out to my dear friend "T" today who sadly lost his dad.

Monday, 17 October 2011

RIP Harry and Jack

First two weeks of The X Factor and it is good to be back in the studio. I also did a live link to LBC last Saturday with some backstage excitement, which I loved. Whilst I was on the radio, from my mobile, I found it hysterical that people were phoning and texting me to tell me "You are on the radio" I know!

You can now hear me every Sunday morning at 9:30 chatting about the XF night before on LBC 97.3 FM or on sky channel 0112 or on the web

The happiest person at the X Factor studios by a country mile is the parking attendant. Now we don't have the biggest ever Rolls Royce in the world to park we have gained 4 extra parking spaces, genius!

I have seen old friends and new down at The X Factor and even got a hug and some banter with the lovely Katy Perry who was a guest judge on The X Factor last year. I was slightly shocked she remembered me but, of course,  I pretended like we were old friends!

Some others in two weeks have been:

Phillip Schofield - I always feel like I am in the presence of a TV God when in his company, he is without doubt one of the nicest most genuine men in TV and a true star.

Jeff Brazier - Always looks cool and with a smile that melted a number of female hearts in the studio and no doubt a couple of blokes as well!

Jedwood - I need say no more, but they were great fun and as always made my job a little easier!

Sara Cox - brought her daughter, who was the cutest kid ever!

Dan Wooten - Love Dan - I always feel like I should do Jazz hands when in his company!

Louie Spence - The most spectacular entrance into a TV studio ever - I would expect nothing less!

Joe Jonas - So I am stood side stage and I said to Lizze who books all the celeb guests for ITV2 "Is Joe Jonas in the studio yet?" her reply in a whisper "He is stood next to me!". Huge celeb spot fail, however he was a really good sport for some banter and a few extra followers on twitter.

Professor Green - Cooler than cool itself. I got very "down with it" when near him and again he gained me a few more followers on twitter...oi oi 

Steven Mulhern - I got very confused seeing Stephen in the studio as he is normally doing more talent but it was fantastic to see him on a night out relaxing rather than working his nuts off.

Members of the great British press - I will not name them, but to be fair, they danced, screamed and cheered like real fans of the show. I am and will continue to be grateful!

Celo Green - I walked past his dressing room - it was a s close as I got!

Matt Cardle - Matt used to use my dressing room last year on XF to focus in before the shows (He is not the tidiest person in the world) so I thought it would be funny to use his "trailer" as my dressing room when he arrived for his guest spot. Not everyone found the funny side of this!

TOWIE - Never seen it so got the whole crowd to cheer an "orange" woman who I thought was a cast member. She was not - whoops!

I was gutted that I missed Carole McGiffin in the audience on the first live night. I love her on LW and am a huge fan - in a healthy way of course! I apologise to Ms M for not seeing her in the audience and giving her a well deserved shout out, next time, maybe even on LW!

100's of celebs try and get tickets to see the show. I understand it is one each, which kinda rules out Liam Fox!

I have a new agent which means a new X factor dressing room for Roycey. Great work agent, I now have an even smaller room than the last 7 years which I thought impossible! I would have posted pictures but I can't get a good angle to take a picture of anything - it would have just been a wall!

I come home with a bump on Sunday nights from the show. It's bin day on Monday and this means getting them out in my suit which walks me into the house rid of all things show business!

Its been a couple of fantastic weeks in the world of warm up. I got to work with Chris Moyles and Piers Morgan. I enjoyed "The Quiz" and the "Life Stories"

The only problem when you do a show with Piers is that the green room is never short of some chocolate brownies which I took great joy in over-indulging which means I have had to sign up for a new class at my gym!

The dog is matted, she has been like this for about 3 months but my wife refused to take her to the "Dog groomer" as she believed that they would shave her bare! I took control of this as man of the house and found a very sympathetic dog groomer who specialised in matted dogs. They explained they would take their time and ensure she still have the look of a Tibetan terrier once I had picked her up. I dropped her looking like this:

I dropped "Poppy" with a 17 year old, who seemed to know what she was talking about and I had every faith in her ability to keep "Poppy" looking like the scruffy, cute, fluffy dog that she was.

Oh God she gave me back a bloody dog worthy of a handbag in Beverly Hills:

Stood in the kitchen once my wife had been pulled off the ceiling. I said to her "Don't worry love it will grow back". My wife gave me that look and said "She looks like a fucking Ewok"

20 minutes later when watching TV my 8 year old came into the living room and asked "Mum, whats a fucking Ewok?". Genius!

Panic not around the appearance of my dog. If all else fails put a stupid jumper on her!

Loved this traffic congestion sign sent to me by the lovely Berni:

I wonder how long it will be before more of these signs start appearing?

My thoughts and prayers this week are with Harry Mosley and Jack Marshall, two brave young souls who lost their fight against cancer. Puts everything into prospective!

Right, I am off camping. I hear we have a new campsite not a million miles from St Paul's - Dale Farm. Didn't take too long to find a new home, oh the views!

Wednesday, 21 September 2011


My wife announced that an old school friend that she has "re-connected with" on Facebook is visiting England and would I mind if he came and stayed? I am a bloke and I really wanted to ask the all important question but this raises a few issues. If I do ask it, then I am showing a lack of trust and questioning the integrity of my wife, if I don't ask it, then she will think  don't really care about her past! (Which I don't, but it is important to know if the man coming to stay has indeed got personal with my wife!)

My mind was quickly put at rest once she showed me a picture - however now it is I who is slightly in fear of the possible guest visiting my humble abode!

I have no particular religious views, not that I wish to share on here anyway, but my daughter is now beginning to find out about religion at school and we had a conversation in the car on the way home yesterday which went like this:
"Good day love?"
"Can't remember"
"What did you do at school today?"
"Can't remember!"
"You must remember something, what was your best lesson?"
"Cool............. Whats RS?"
"Dad, did you ever go to school? Its religious studies!"
"Do you enjoy RS?"
"I do this year - we are learning about Hindu's. They are really colourful and bright and love everyone, not like the boring Christians last year - they just keep killing people!"

I had no real answer to that, but then came this...

"So what religion do you think you are, what do you like?"
"Dad, I am agnostic".  I didn't need to look that up as I am reading a book that has a whole chapter on the subject!

This goes to show that religion can be fun, we should laugh at ourselves and we really should not take life too seriously!

I have not had an accident, I cant remember hurting myself, I cannot remember anyone wanting to hurt me or indeed unknowingly hurting me, so I was shocked at a text message:

I replied: 'I will get back to you when I have the accident!"

Here are the SMS text codes for the older generation........

"GTBP" Get the blue pill
"ATD" At the doctors
"BFF" Best friends funural
"BAFW" Bring a fucking wheelchair!
"WAI" Where am I?
"TLATP" Too loud at this party
"ICFTK" I can't find the keys
"GHA" Got heartburn again
'CTG" Cutting the grass
"GBM" Great bowel movment
"DRI5M" Dinner ready in 5 minutes
"IANL" I am not lost
"WAITT" Who am I talking too?
"CYANAT" Call you after News at Ten
"OTTD" Off to the doctors
"BHG" Back has gone!
"WDTBD" What does this button do?
"HAFT" Having a fruit tea?
"INAS" I need a snowball
"BW" Bloody weather

Travelling on a train late Sunday night was a peaceful experience. For the first time in my life I had the WHOLE carriage to myself. I relaxed at a table, got out my book, phone, magazine, i-pad, sandwich, crisps and headphones and got ready for the speedy 2 hour and 30 minute journey to London. The carriage was like this:

And then came along "Jobsworth" the "Train Manger" or "Guard" as I still refer to them who asked for my ticket. I presented him the ticket, he checked it and then said "you are in the right carriage sir, but the wrong seat!" My jaw hit the floor. "Its empty, is there anyone getting on at other stops?". "No" he replied. "So I am ok here right?" "No, you have pre booked a seat sir, you will need to sit on it".  I wont go into the rest of the conversation but let's just say about 3 minutes into it  "Jobsworth" threatened to ring the police if I did not move seats. I politely replied "Please do, it will be a joy for them to experience what an utter plank you are being!"

The guard left, the incident I thought was over - no, it was to get better. The drinks trolley appeared  and the lady went straight past me. I asked for a coffee, she replied "Not until you are in your correct seat!".  I really could not be bothered so just smiled and got into my book "How to Kill a Prick in 10 minutes!"

I really am so happy, in just over 7 months I have dropped 4 stone and 3 lbs.
I changed my diet (thank you to the company who gave me the outline to change!) and became best friends with my gym. It has taken hard work, commitment and a real passion to change, it feels amazing. I do have a before and after picture, but am not going to post it as it will come back and haunt me one day!

Following a night out with my wife on Saturday, I went online Sunday morning and purchased this t-shirt for her!

Remember, restraining orders are just another way of saying 'I love you!" 

Friday, 16 September 2011

Online Diary!

Shopping on a Tuesday at Sainsburys really is a test of my tolerance, old people go shopping at Sainsburys on this day and it is nothing less than a nightmare!
Due to 'Trolley rage" I have written a few "Roycey Rules" for any person over the age of 65 who may venture into a supermarket at the same time as me.

1. Your trolley needs constant attention, leaving it in the middle of an isle unattended is not acceptable.
2. When picking frui please stop handling it, squeezing it, smelling it and swapping it, I may have to buy it!
3. "Value" tinned meat, although very cheap really is not good for you.
4. You need no longer eat spam
5. Tomatoes are confusing I know, there are lots of varieties, just pick the big red ones!
6. My ankles are not made of steel, when you hit them with your trolley it hurts!
7. 5 items or less means 5 items, not 5 and a paper!
8. Your Grandchildren really do not give a shit about "School Vouchers"
9. You do not need shampoo, you may avoid this isle
10. Do NOT let your grandchild push the trolley, you would not let them drive the car!
11. Once you have unloaded your trolley into your car, your trolley needs to go back home with its friends, it does not want to be left in the middle of the car park.
12. Fill your trolley with booze, you deserve it!
13. Buy booze, you deserve it!

My biggest bug bear is "Health and Safety" it drives me mad, twice this week I have been confronted with the madness of H&S.
Firstly I visited my local sorting office to collect a parcel which could not fit through my letter box, on arrival a sign greeted me "Car park closed" I then had to park a mile away (everywhere is now double yellow lines) and walk to collect the elephant my daughter is receiving after sponsoring yet another animal in Africa.
I asked the nice post office man "Why is the car park closed?" "health and safety reasons" "Why what happened" "Nothing" he replied "But we have had 5 near misses" I have no idea what a "near miss" is and who in fact reports such an incident!
Secondly was my local doctors surgery who are really going all out to help mothers with small children!

Great, now mothers have to carry their children, bags, shopping and everything else to go see the doctor, god forbid they are too ill to carry out this task!

In the same surgery I am glad to report that all is required, along with a flu jab to keep you well this winter is a good old cup of tea!

What is our obsession with pizza? I must get at least 10 bloody flyer's through the post a day from various pizza stores, not they have found my phone! How is a man supposed to diet with this constant temptation?

I wonder has anyone EVER read the Terms and Conditions before clicking the box? No, me either!

Off to Harrogate this weekend, all of which will no doubt be in my next blog!