Friday, 23 December 2011

Meet the Christmas sheep!

I'm not sure if my eyes are open a little wider this year or if I'm paying more attention to stuff around me but, on a visit to Sainsbury's this week, I witnessed greed on a catatonic level!
The Christmas break lasts two days, surely there is only so much food a human-being can consume in such a time. I have seen trolleys overflowing, people panic buying and above all people spending huge amounts of money we are not suppose to have!

I was to be truly saddened watching an old guy with his basket at checkout 4. He had a box of mince pies a bottle of whiskey a bottle of brandy and a tube of Borroca (this made me smile). I was stood behind him and asked "What are you up to this Christmas"? He replied "Oh just on my own". I decided to push this conversation "Do you have no family"? "I do, but they go abroad at Christmas to the sunshine with my grandkids". I swear I saw a tear in his eye and my heart melted at that very point! He walked off with his bag and his walking stick and I followed shortly after feeling sad and thinking of my family! So Mum and Dad, if you are reading this, see you on Christmas eve for 3 days of my undivided attention!

Some advice when Christmas grocery shopping:

1. You do not need that tin of crackers and mountain of cheese - everyone will be stuffed by 5pm and you will end up moving that tin around your cupboards for the next 52 weeks or until school asks for  food donation for some African country!
2. You are not Jamie Oliver- stuffing shit up a turkeys arse is for professionals. Just cook the f'ing turkey and stop trying to be clever!
3. Go on, buy the nut and fruit mix - its good for the birds when nobody eats it.
4. I shop at Sainsbury's, please remember this when giving me a gift from the same store!
5. Nobody likes Twiglets - if your one guest does they sure as shit ain't gonna eat a huge tin of them.
6. Please remember to stock up on everything, its a whole 48 hours before they open again!
7. Buy two get one free is far more expensive than simply buying one. If you do partake in this offer you are basically getting "Mugged off"
8. You really do need those tee lights, go on buy a couple of boxes!
9. That Christmas CD is a must, you can put it with the one you bought last year.
10. Get lots of fruit just in case someone goes sick!
11. Vodka will get you hammered, it really does not matter which brand you buy, it does the same job!
12. I have never met anyone who truly likes to eat a fig!
13. If you buy discounted Christmas cards for next year you have become your mother.
14. Bread sauce is not natural!

On my first Saturday off from The X Factor I lent my time to my daughters panto and was put in charge of the smoke machine. Me over exuberant? Never!

I had a Christmas delivery today from an anonymous person, thank you soooo much, but where the fook do you suppose I put her/him?

You have to love a rabbit!

The meaning of a "Rabbit" has changed thanks to my lovely friends Jacqueline and Vanessa Gold and Anne Summers. You can imagine my shock when one of my popular twitter followers (Heather) tweeted that she was going to name her "Rabbit" "Roycey". This conjured up a million thoughts, all of which were very uncomfortable, thankfully she reassured me the "Rabbit" was in fact a real "Rabbit" this was a very awkward 15 minutes in my life!

Are you really sure? I love Paul he is a really great guy, but a canvas print?

I received a Christmas card from friends of mine this year (yes celebrities) and found this message inside.

It takes about 2 hours of my life every Christmas to write my cards - yes I go through the same routine every year, phoning my mother to get the address of long lost aunts and having to spend 20 minutes on the phone each time talking about past Christmas's, but its worth it, why? Because for 2 hours a year I am thinking of others, I spare a thought for some I have not seen each year, I spend some time not thinking about me, my want and my needs and I get to practise how to spell Leicester a word I struggle with every bloody year!

I truly love placing 100 cards in a letter box and knowing a 100 people will at least know I spared them a 20 second thought in a life all consumed with self! So I apologise to any charity of mine that will NOT be getting a donation from me next year as I have no intention of substituting the fine tradition of the Christmas Card sending!

Shopping for a handbag yesterday and I came across a minefield of mothers, really if you Mum's are going to Christmas shop together please spare a thought for us Dads trying to at least get near the bloody handbag department!

I was slightly embarrassed while Christmas shopping in Accessorise. A young lad came up to me and said "Roycey how are you?". I knew this face, this was Simon who was a dancer I worked with many years a go, I hugged him and said "Christ how are you its been ages"? It became apparent very quickly this was not the Simon I danced with, the poor chap explained very quickly he simply followed me on twitter, I explained I am a very happy touchy feely kinda guy! oops!

My daughter has made this, I really do not have the heart to tuck into it, the dog however had other ideas!

I promise you one thing, Christmas morning I will wake up, turn to my wife and ask "Has he been?", eat my daughters creation! and be very grateful for all I have.

Can I wish you a safe, peaceful and enjoyable Christmas.

Roycey x


  1. Beautiful, sentimental, thought provoking and funny. Thanks Ian. A very merry Christmas to you, yor wife and daughter x x

  2. thanks again for taking us on the journeys of your days, of which we do all at one time will or can relate to, May you & your family Have a great Christmas & A happy New year. take care & enjoy xx

  3. Did you ever find out where the Sheep came from??


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