Wednesday, 21 September 2011


My wife announced that an old school friend that she has "re-connected with" on Facebook is visiting England and would I mind if he came and stayed? I am a bloke and I really wanted to ask the all important question but this raises a few issues. If I do ask it, then I am showing a lack of trust and questioning the integrity of my wife, if I don't ask it, then she will think  don't really care about her past! (Which I don't, but it is important to know if the man coming to stay has indeed got personal with my wife!)

My mind was quickly put at rest once she showed me a picture - however now it is I who is slightly in fear of the possible guest visiting my humble abode!

I have no particular religious views, not that I wish to share on here anyway, but my daughter is now beginning to find out about religion at school and we had a conversation in the car on the way home yesterday which went like this:
"Good day love?"
"Can't remember"
"What did you do at school today?"
"Can't remember!"
"You must remember something, what was your best lesson?"
"Cool............. Whats RS?"
"Dad, did you ever go to school? Its religious studies!"
"Do you enjoy RS?"
"I do this year - we are learning about Hindu's. They are really colourful and bright and love everyone, not like the boring Christians last year - they just keep killing people!"

I had no real answer to that, but then came this...

"So what religion do you think you are, what do you like?"
"Dad, I am agnostic".  I didn't need to look that up as I am reading a book that has a whole chapter on the subject!

This goes to show that religion can be fun, we should laugh at ourselves and we really should not take life too seriously!

I have not had an accident, I cant remember hurting myself, I cannot remember anyone wanting to hurt me or indeed unknowingly hurting me, so I was shocked at a text message:

I replied: 'I will get back to you when I have the accident!"

Here are the SMS text codes for the older generation........

"GTBP" Get the blue pill
"ATD" At the doctors
"BFF" Best friends funural
"BAFW" Bring a fucking wheelchair!
"WAI" Where am I?
"TLATP" Too loud at this party
"ICFTK" I can't find the keys
"GHA" Got heartburn again
'CTG" Cutting the grass
"GBM" Great bowel movment
"DRI5M" Dinner ready in 5 minutes
"IANL" I am not lost
"WAITT" Who am I talking too?
"CYANAT" Call you after News at Ten
"OTTD" Off to the doctors
"BHG" Back has gone!
"WDTBD" What does this button do?
"HAFT" Having a fruit tea?
"INAS" I need a snowball
"BW" Bloody weather

Travelling on a train late Sunday night was a peaceful experience. For the first time in my life I had the WHOLE carriage to myself. I relaxed at a table, got out my book, phone, magazine, i-pad, sandwich, crisps and headphones and got ready for the speedy 2 hour and 30 minute journey to London. The carriage was like this:

And then came along "Jobsworth" the "Train Manger" or "Guard" as I still refer to them who asked for my ticket. I presented him the ticket, he checked it and then said "you are in the right carriage sir, but the wrong seat!" My jaw hit the floor. "Its empty, is there anyone getting on at other stops?". "No" he replied. "So I am ok here right?" "No, you have pre booked a seat sir, you will need to sit on it".  I wont go into the rest of the conversation but let's just say about 3 minutes into it  "Jobsworth" threatened to ring the police if I did not move seats. I politely replied "Please do, it will be a joy for them to experience what an utter plank you are being!"

The guard left, the incident I thought was over - no, it was to get better. The drinks trolley appeared  and the lady went straight past me. I asked for a coffee, she replied "Not until you are in your correct seat!".  I really could not be bothered so just smiled and got into my book "How to Kill a Prick in 10 minutes!"

I really am so happy, in just over 7 months I have dropped 4 stone and 3 lbs.
I changed my diet (thank you to the company who gave me the outline to change!) and became best friends with my gym. It has taken hard work, commitment and a real passion to change, it feels amazing. I do have a before and after picture, but am not going to post it as it will come back and haunt me one day!

Following a night out with my wife on Saturday, I went online Sunday morning and purchased this t-shirt for her!

Remember, restraining orders are just another way of saying 'I love you!" 

Friday, 16 September 2011

Online Diary!

Shopping on a Tuesday at Sainsburys really is a test of my tolerance, old people go shopping at Sainsburys on this day and it is nothing less than a nightmare!
Due to 'Trolley rage" I have written a few "Roycey Rules" for any person over the age of 65 who may venture into a supermarket at the same time as me.

1. Your trolley needs constant attention, leaving it in the middle of an isle unattended is not acceptable.
2. When picking frui please stop handling it, squeezing it, smelling it and swapping it, I may have to buy it!
3. "Value" tinned meat, although very cheap really is not good for you.
4. You need no longer eat spam
5. Tomatoes are confusing I know, there are lots of varieties, just pick the big red ones!
6. My ankles are not made of steel, when you hit them with your trolley it hurts!
7. 5 items or less means 5 items, not 5 and a paper!
8. Your Grandchildren really do not give a shit about "School Vouchers"
9. You do not need shampoo, you may avoid this isle
10. Do NOT let your grandchild push the trolley, you would not let them drive the car!
11. Once you have unloaded your trolley into your car, your trolley needs to go back home with its friends, it does not want to be left in the middle of the car park.
12. Fill your trolley with booze, you deserve it!
13. Buy booze, you deserve it!

My biggest bug bear is "Health and Safety" it drives me mad, twice this week I have been confronted with the madness of H&S.
Firstly I visited my local sorting office to collect a parcel which could not fit through my letter box, on arrival a sign greeted me "Car park closed" I then had to park a mile away (everywhere is now double yellow lines) and walk to collect the elephant my daughter is receiving after sponsoring yet another animal in Africa.
I asked the nice post office man "Why is the car park closed?" "health and safety reasons" "Why what happened" "Nothing" he replied "But we have had 5 near misses" I have no idea what a "near miss" is and who in fact reports such an incident!
Secondly was my local doctors surgery who are really going all out to help mothers with small children!

Great, now mothers have to carry their children, bags, shopping and everything else to go see the doctor, god forbid they are too ill to carry out this task!

In the same surgery I am glad to report that all is required, along with a flu jab to keep you well this winter is a good old cup of tea!

What is our obsession with pizza? I must get at least 10 bloody flyer's through the post a day from various pizza stores, not they have found my phone! How is a man supposed to diet with this constant temptation?

I wonder has anyone EVER read the Terms and Conditions before clicking the box? No, me either!

Off to Harrogate this weekend, all of which will no doubt be in my next blog!

Thursday, 1 September 2011

Sorry Justin!

I never really see the point of tipping a barman, unless of course you are there for the evening and you are going to need some quick service at a "two deep" bar. However I have to say it was almost impossible not to drop a few coins in this little beauty!

I do not like some people, it is impossible to like everyone, however I hate nobody!

I do however have one man in my past that I simply cannot forgive for his treatment of me some years a go! This man is a particularly nasty piece of work and frankly a bully, who, when I was first starting out in the business was nothing less than vile, controlling, manipulating and a damn right horrible human being, we have not talked since the day he humiliated me in front of a whole office full of people!
I was shocked when I received an e-mail from him with one of those questionnaires "I want to get to know you better" oh this was going to be fun! I only answered two questions of the 20!

If you had only 24 hours to live, what would you do?
Tell your wife about the time I caught you with another man in the men's toilets doing things I thought only worthy of a porn film!
What sound or noise do you love?
The intake of breath from your mouth when you realise you sent this to me!

Portugal and its airport pleases me greatly, take note all other airports in the world, if you want me in a great mood on arrival, this is was you need to do!

On holiday my family, along with our friends and their kids went to a typical Portuguese fun fair, of what joy! 
I was really happy to see that all sorts of prizes could be won, guns, flick knifes, things that explode but the scariest of them all, this barking dog!

At home I love the fact that our NHS really has not lost its sense of humour!

I was over the moon to get shown on ITV2 Xtra Factor this week, my part gets bigger each week! Week one saw me in the background eating (Bald spot on show) Week two had me thanking the judges (Bald spot on show) what ever this week? Guess we will both have to tune in and find out!

I again apologise for the spelling and grammar, if spell check doesn't get it, then my dyslexia really isn't going to help!