Tuesday, 18 April 2017

My 50 point plan and cabinet as PM!

So a general election has been called, like we need any more drama, bloody hell I thought I was dramatic! This is beyond epic! So, fuck it, I may as well run for PM  (If only this was a thing!) If Hugh Grant can, anything is possible!

Here follows my 50 point plan, mandate and to follow, my cabinet.

1. Crocs on men is now an illegal offence as is wearing shoes with tracksuit bottoms, football shirts on holiday and call centre workers who can't speak English.  This with immediate effect.

2. The Downing street cat is to be given a collar with real diamonds.

3. You can turn left on a red light.

4. Ant and Dec are never allowed to do anything alone. This shall be written into law.

5. If you have served your country at war you'll never be homeless. Pay for public transport or pay for a pint. (Just one though, tmes are hard!) You'll also be given any upgrade on a flight when possible. I did a trip to Tedworth house for H4H. If you did you'd understand the last point.

6. Billy Connelly will be knighted within an hour of me becoming PM.

7. The Q'ing system in any store with barriers and ropes will be abolished. We are British,we are the king's and Queens of Q'ing we don't need barriers and ropes!

8. Self service payment machines abolished. It's nice to have a real conversation rather than an unexpected item in a bagging area!

9. Commit a life sentence. A life of hard labour. Not a lovely prison cell with purks. You lost your human rights when you took another's. 

10. Emergency services staff will all be on equal pay and to the highest level.

11. It's illegal to pay a man more money than a woman in the same job. This includes sport. And all trophys to be the same size. Bloody men always needed in to make it seem bigger!

12. Any postman/woman who is still wearing their shorts in the winter months to be given a special kinda medal. Danny Boyle to design it!

13. It's still not unlucky!

14. Every employer to give its staff two duvet days a year for when you just can't be arsed. This on top of holidays and payed.

15. Death tax and stamp duty. Scrapped.

16. Marine A released with full reinstatement of his Royal marine uniform. Medals and honour. Awarded another medal.

17. Not everyone has to wear a high visibility vest just because someone said you had too!

18. Heath and safety to be re-named "Common sense!"

19. You can't buy a pet until you've had a rescue one first!

20. Blackpool to be made into a UK Vegas. With rock!

21. My lucky number on a roulette table. It will be the new number of "Number 10"

22. You can park on a single yellow line.

23. Nobody will ever have to pay to go to the toilet.

24. "Davina McCall hugging day" will actually become a national hugging day and in her name. This will happen in the house of commons and Lords on said date. It will not be debated.

25. Sheridan Smith will have to pop into "Number 21" with her woofs at least once a week for a rave up.

26. The only staff employed at "Number 21" and junior government positions will come from The princess trust. Mind. Help for hero's.  NSPCC survivors. Anti bullying pro. AA and NA.

27. Every company and employer of over 10 people has to employ a homeless person. By law. See above in addition.

28. A bank holiday named "Diana day"

29. It is at the time illegal to wash your car on the street. I'm going to abolish this. I'm going to make Britain "Great again!"

30. Fall asleep in the house of Lords! Fired immediately and stripped of all title.

31. Fire everyone working on the tube. Reinstate within 5 minutes with new "No strike" contract. We will survive. They earn more than a nurse for pulling a handle up and down. This within 48 hours of my victory.

32. PMQ'S once a year to be held in pyjamas! Once a year in shorts and once a year by the kids of elected members or relatives of said elected members under the age of 16. They know best! They will teach us much.

33. Every person earning over £1m a year or worth more than £1m, by law will have to give a talk to a school they went too.

34. If you ride a bike in London you will need to pay a tax. After all, the whole of London just built you massive cycle lanes bringing the traffic to a standstill and even the busses. Utter madness. Everyone pays there fair way.

35. We will have a bank holiday Wednesday. See 28. Change the rules!

36. The Isle Of White is never allowed to leave us. It has cows!

37. My PM car will go to a "Drive through car wash" thing once a week and I'll be happy to say "Yes, inside and out!"

38. I will limit the amount of "Nail bar" things in every town. You only need a couple.  I'll consider hairdressers too. It's ridiculous!

39. Every series of a TV show will have a "Make up free week" Airbrushing is banned and let's inspire our future generation to be OK with themselves as themselves. With immediate effect.

40. Boris Johnson. Donald Trump and that North Korean bloke to be sent to Phil Smith the hairdresser immediately.  Peace and honesty is always found at the hairdressers.

41. Harry Rednapp appointed England manager at the next vacancy.

42. Everytime I go on camera it will be a Simon Cowell lead production. And with pyros, a red carpet and carrots, green tea and a buzzer!

43. WIFI will be free everywhere and you won't have to give your e mail address , to then receive a million e mails. The same will apply when you buy something. It's bloody madness!

44. Nobody will be homeless. Nobody needs to be!

45. Carry a knife or gun in a public place. 20 years in prison. You carry with intent.

46. Reduce the price of garden furniture!

47. Build a new runway at Heathrow, Gatwick, Luton, Birmingham, Liverpool, Glasgow and City, no wait, not city,  we have to stop filming The XF every five minutes because of the noise! I honestly don't know what the issue is? I have a knock on the door everyday asking if my driveway needs a re tarmac. I'll get his name next time and make us "Great again!"

48. The "hear hear hear" chant in the house of commons to be replaced by a football chant. It's boring.

49. Have I been elected yet?

50. I shall be sent to an English grammar course within an hour to learn where a comma goes. I won't listen and probably think, fuck it, let's do number 37!

Minister of food. Gino. He is required to turn up to all minister meeting naked with apron,  at the request of the minister for fun -  Sheridan Smith.

Minister of crime - Mark Williams Thomas! Sue Hill to be his deputy when he's off to watch rugby!

Minister of  international stuff - Boris. See mandate 40!

Minister of football - Gary Lineker. Obviously.

Minister of entertainment - I'm going to open an app and let the nation decide! Live on prime time TV.  This will also save the NHS by way of advertising. I'll do this a lot!

Deputy PM -  My daughter. She speaks sense to me!

Minister for the environment - The bloke in a high visibility jacket at my local tip. Man's a ninja!

Minister of health - The body coach one week. The juice master the next!  All must be conducted with a Davina video.

Minister of mental health? Not an area I'd be good at picking but I'm going with a certain Mrs Berger and her nanna. A scouse legend and fighter! Stephen Fry when she's on holiday.

Minister of transport - Clarkson

Minister of housing - The MD who paid me shit loads to do a corporate gig last year for his housing company!

Minister of looking after the table before minister meetings and making it look fab -Kelly Hoppen

Minister of looking after the cat - Emma Jones.

Minister of firing people asleep in the house of Lords? - Lord Sugar. Unless he's asleep then this has gone to shit. I'll just call a general election!

Minister of tarmac for runways - That bloke who knocks on my door twice a week about the recent tarmac of my drive.

Minister of showbiz - Sir Bruce....No wait ..law states no "Child stars!" So appointed to Paul O'Grady.

Minister of music. See below!

Minister of all ministers - Simon Cowell, obviously!

Minister to tell all minsters everything - See above.

Minister of promotion and publicity -  Piers Morgan.

Minister of food. Stig Atwell daughter.

Minister to lead us out of the "Health and saftey" nightmare To "Simply common sense" -  Jane Moore.

Have a great day you lot.

All my love,

Your PM!

We will put the great back in Britain and a comma where ever I feel like it!

We got this.

June 8th  for us all. June 9th for UKIP - You get a special day to vote. ...Let me make that a mandate! 

Wednesday, 5 April 2017

The biscuit.

So I've just got back from 5 days away in Portugal with my Roxy. Now this may not seem a big deal, but for me it was massive.

I don't live in a situation where my daughter can "Sleep over" so I never get to say "Good morning" or "Good night" That's OK so I'm sure you can imagine how important this trip away was for me. I got to do "Adulting!" and "Parenting" Although don't ever ask Roxy about the trip home when I said "Let's change lanes in the queue ..." Huge parent fail!

When I was married we would go every year to a place I fell in love with with great friends who I also love very much, sadly with any break up you lose some things, one of those things was Portugal! Who knew you could miss a country so much or even break up with a nation of people!

My girlfriend called me and asked "What does Roxy have for breakfast?" I had not a bloody clue! Being separated brings many things but I suddenly realised I was about to spend five whole days with my heartbeat, and more importantly 5 constant days where I was fully in charge! My ex wife is very brave! Even I was nervous!

It was simply amazing. I got to see my girl 24/7 for 5 straight days, be back in a country I love, eat Piri Piri chicken in the home of Piri Piri chicken, drink white sangria (This is a life must!) Wake my kid up and say goodnight and get thrown out of a hotel! Yup that happened! I ate fresh fish, drank coffee for less than a euro, listen to church bells ring on the hour every fucking hour, 24 hours a day and not once, oh no, twice on the hour, just to remind you of the time! But most of all I got to be back in a country I love with my kid again. Perfect.

I'm more swimming pool than beach so my girlfriend took us to a hotel to lay on sunbeds next to a lovely pool overlooking white sand and blue sea, perfect!

I needed to charge my phone (Nothing new here!) So went to the bar a few steps up from the pool, as I plugged in I noticed a table with tea, coffee and biscuits and all for free! How bloody wonderful and what a great gesture by the hotel.

I poured myself a cup of tea ate a biscuit and packed 4 biscuits into a serviette for the girls. Then I heard a sound that said "This is outrageous!" I looked around wondering "What is outrageous?" Two women (In their older years) Where marching towards me shouting "Outrageous and just horrible!" I looked around again, what could this be? There is only 6 of us in the bar area! They were "in coming" with anger in their eyes and waving their wrists around.

Now this is getting serious I thought as a man was now walking towards me, backing up the two very angry ladies with socks and Sandles on, this was now a "Code red!"

I was surrounded holding a cup of tea, 4 biscuits in my hand and my phone 40 foot away, charging in a Portuguese plug! This was a serious issue and I've no idea why...

I began to panic...This was a serious situation and I was still clueless!

The British holiday maker is an odd bread, often more intrested in everyone else's business than our own and I was about to experience this with both barrels and two feet with socks and sandles, seriously this was like the worst thing I've ever done in my life and I'd still not a clue what I'd done.

"Where is your green band?" The woman screamed at me. "This is an outrage" woman two explained....

Man with socks and Sandles "I'm calling the manager"

Shit, maybe one should never put the milk in tea before the hot water I thought!

You see the biscuits and tea were for "All inclusive" customers only. I actually seriously laughed. It was four fucking biscuits and a cup of tea, you'd think I just stolen the crown jewels!

I felt like a criminal of the worse kind. I had shamed my country over four biscuits  and a cup of tea. What was I to do?

I returned to the sunbeds with four biscuits and a shame of a nation wresting on my shoulders. How very dare I break the rules. I'm honestly still in a biscuit hell and a green band regression. I'm sure though they had a good holiday guarding the tea, coffee and biscuit table! Seriously what a holiday they must of had!

Lesson here? Eat the biscuits, break the rules but never be that far away from your phone!

I love nothing more than sharing people's success.  Jealousy is such a horrible trate, why would anyone not be happy for someone's success.

Here are my happy thoughts and just my thoughts....

Jason Manford on presenting the Olivier Awards and the nightly show. Brilliant

The nightly show is really good!

Andy Collins on the radio is brilliant. I listen and am very proud of him.

James Ingam selfless work and commitment to #JogOnToCancer and sharing his story about coming out to the younger generation is inspired.

Sheridan Smith in America is just so exciting. She'll pick up an Oscar one day and that's a fact! Oh to be that talented.

Bobby Davro. Cannon and Ball. Billy Connoly. Peter Kay. James Corden Micheal Macintyre, Ben Miller and Jack Whitehall, live, are beyond a belly laugh. You'll find no better. Comedy class.

Emma Jones on my twitter feed gives so much back to life and is about to tie herself to someone! Seek and you will find. Please sponsor if you can.

Mark Elliot is a hero.

Jane Moore is kind,a brilliant writer and the best dancer ever!

Mandy Emerson proves anything is possible.

Amanda Prose just sent me the kindest tweet. She's also a brilliant writer, very funny on twitter, especially in Australia and a night out with her would end in carnage!

Bertie Morgan is a serious rugby star of the future. I even winced and took painkillers watching him! Spencer did the same watching me fall off a table!

Pete Ogden is a serious television star. You'll only ever see his name on the credits though. 

Watching Jamie East career is bloody brilliant....Big up Virgin radio for beliving in him.

Emma Hughes is a person I love very much and I've only ever met her once in the back of a cab for 5 minutes. On route to Anfield - the letters "YNWA" never rang so true!

Jo Elvin, the editor in chief of "Glamour magazine" her foward this month was seriously thought provoking. Go seek.

Snails are a beautiful thing to eat, don't knock it until you've tried it! I also know where the best place is, you'll need to get a tender from a cruise ship near Monaco. Jeff Stevenson will direct you. Also a seriously funny man and  QPR fan. That's bravery and loyalty in one. If you see his name anywhere, go watch him, seriously funny guy.

A security guard just asked me for I'D.  Life goals!


Wednesday, 22 March 2017

Advice.

After reading Piers Morgan's  advice to the new editor of 'The Evening Standard' I thought I'd do a list of 'Life advice' for my younger readers or even a list to my younger self or just a list!

1. Cous Cous is really just special fried rice for the middle class. Don't eat it, it's the devil's food.

2. When you go to a buffet you will always put too much food on your plate - even things you don't really like. Go half, you can always go back.

3. You will, without question, meet a really ugly baby and you will, without question say "He/She is beautiful." Don't sweat it, we've all done it!

4. You will tread in dog poo. Find  some grass. The edge of a curb just doesn't cut it!

5. Buying new trainers for your holiday is pointless. The trainers will be cheaper at the airport. Wear your worn out ones there, buy new ones, leave the old ones. I just saved you £30 and space in your bin at home!

6. Men -  it is your responsibility to put the loo seat back down, trust me, this one act is greater than any bunch of flowers.

7. Women - it is your responsibility to put the loo seat back up, us men won't notice so just be happy with the flowers.

8. Finish a crossword.

9. When booking a holiday look for wooden sunbeds, it will tell you everything about the hotel!

10. The greatest pain you will ever feel is toothache, back ache and heartbreak.  Brush better, work on your core but the other one is a given. Sorry, it's just life!

11. Put crisps in a sandwich and embrace the crunch. (Add salad cream and we will forever be friends!)

12. Don't moan about queuing in a post office. Us older folk had to do it without social media!

13. 👈 It's not unlucky!

14. I have never read on a headstone "This person died of nothing." Everything in moderation *Adds more crisps*

15. Never ever give up on your best friend or your bet on a horse race!

16. If you go on holiday on your own, you will return with a white back. You just can't do sunscreen on ya own back. If you can, let me send you the BGT audition application! Anyway, have you ever gone out after coming back from a trip away and someone says "Amazing back tan!" Forget about your back ...

17.On holiday: eat food and embrace the culture and people. Honestly, nobody cares about your tan. Bring home an experience, a memorable moment and a donkey from Spain. Go old school!

18. Piers Morgan will really piss you off.

19. You won't be able to stop following Piers Morgan.

20. There is a group of people who call themselves "Ramblers" They just go on long walks.

21. Gazza was, and is, as talented as George Best and Pele ....Go watch.

22.  Cous cous is still shit!

23. Three always follows two!

24. I miss three! Where did you go? Stay with me on this!

25. You will never experience life unless you've been to Ireland

26. Trust someone

27. If you ask advice from 8 people you'll get 8 different responses. Take the first bit of advice!

29. Liverpool still beat Everton! 

30. A bet I've never put on a roulette table!

31. Am I really still going? You've left right? Lol

32. Not everything in a pound shop is a pound!

33. Two fat ladies .....No wrong number!

34. Four always follows three!

35. I lost four again!

36. Macaroni cheese without grilled tomato is just pasta with cheese!

37. Does not equal 11.

38. Ingrown toenails are worth digging out! Painful but you got this!

40. It's the new 30!

41. You are still 30!

42. If you buy it in a supermarket put it in the same place you bought it from.

43. Learn how to change a duvet cover in under 43 seconds!

44. Watch Ellen

45.  Four comes before five!

46. Watch Ellen again!

47. Bread does not belong in the fridge... you didn't buy it in the fridge!

48. Not sure what to write!

49. Chips without salt, vinegar and tomato sauce are not chips!

50. It was a TV show!

51. I've never finished a jigsaw. Who cares!

52. Millionaire shortbread, without more caramel than chocolate and biscuit is not Millionaire shortbread. It's just a rip off!

53. Bubble and squeak should always be served with a fried egg on top!

54. The "rock, paper, scissors thing" is dull. Play Spoof and build The Eifell Tower from string, between your fingers, then go to tram lines! Only a few will get this!

55. I used to watch a TV show, as a kid, where a rabbit would run into a wall and hurt itself. Stop moaning about PC shit. That bloody rabbit hurt itself every week for my entertainment.

56. Never understood the theory of "Tapping an oyster" They are only ever to be swallowed, slowly, and with my mate Craig and my girlfriend!

57. They come in 3's ....But never a man!

58. "THE MANAGERS SPECIAL" Ask his colleagues!

59. You are only ten away!

60. Are you bored yet?

61. You'll never clean your paint roller and use it again. Ever.

62. Get a pet.

63. Dance on a table.

64. Try Cous Cous!

65. If you look like your passport photo you really are to ill to travel.

66. My old police call sign.

67. Talk to somebody new each day, they'll think you are weird. 

68. Weird it just brilliant.

69. A very good place to end!

62. I honestly cannot think of anymore!

Monday, 20 March 2017

Dance?

I went to a charity auction the other day for a group who run a homeless soup kitchen every Monday, they call themselves the "Ealing soup kitchen" I went because I like to support things like this rather than iust send a tweet, or in this case, send a signed postcard. It was amazing, selfless people doing selfless things for people going through rough times. Actually I've seen this a lot! I don't write this to blow smoke up my own arse  (An expression I've never really got my head round nor even tried and to be fair if anyone can they should be applying for Britain's got talent!) I say it because in this country I think we do so much for so many other people, local fetes, charity walks, runs, bike rides, parachute jumps the list goes on and on I don't ever remember so many people doing so many things for so many other people. Nothing proves this more than after the terror attack in London. We just came together.

The attacks in London threw my PTSD and anxiety into overdrive to be honest (More in my book!) But I got through it, unlike those who lost their lives and the families of those effected. I just don't get why. It's just so senseless, makes no difference and just causes pain and hurt! And for what? For what? So tragic and so sad. Love is way easier!

I've started to do a lot of "Pavement" dancing recently! "Whats that?" I hear you cry!

It's when you are walking towards someone and you go right to avoid a pedestrian "Head on collision!" they then go to their left so you go quickly to your left, they are thinking the same! They now dart to their left and so is born the pavement dance!

I've just left home without a coat due to the glorious weather, I shall now expect newspapers to splash on the front pages "Hottest summer in 100 years to come" it will then snow!

Liverpool won the Merseyside derby. Nothing more to add to that statement but just had to write it.

I was so excited to receive a whatsapp live video message from my girlfriend yesterday, her face smiled and lit up my phone, I was sat in my local club just telling my mate about her, I turned the phone around to show him my "Girlfriend" her reply "For fucks sake Ian, I'm in the bath!"

I went to see Olly Murs at the O2 on Friday. I sat not so much watching an impeccable talent and performance but more a guy I met 9 years ago who worked in a call centre and who I shared angel delight with living his dream. He's not changed one bit and that day, 9 years ago, will remain with me forever. A helicopter, a dog a red carpet, a hotel in the middle of a field and a Chinese meal with Kate Moss and her then husband being really pissed off with me! How was I suppose to know he wasn't the waiter!  Again more of that in my book. It was an incredible day and for me, an incredible night. Oi Oi Oi.

Have the best day and know this....

Love wins, you can't make a proper angel delight without an electronic whist (Ask Cheryl and Simon) Always swipe right on a pavement if heading towards me, Olly is going to be around forever (No retirement big Marky) and never share a live video call!

Big love x



Thursday, 16 March 2017

Billy.

I've just watched a comic relief video by my comedy hero "The big yin!" (Please go find it, via Comic relief or on my social media)

I actually had to watch it more than once!

Why?

Here is why....

Because over and over again, the man I watched in ore growing up, the man I only dream of being as funny as, the man who actuality makes me uncontrollably laugh, the man I'd travel miles for, the only man I took my daughter to see (He's that important in my life and she learnt swear words!) The man who walks on a comedy stage not really caring what anyone thinks  and nails Hollywood at the same time just did a masterclass in comedy...

He took the piss out of himself ...A man with Parkinsons and Cancer ..Yup, he is that brilliant and talented he just doesn't care and that makes him, in book, simply hysterical and iconic.

When I was warming up Loose Women, (A sentence I still can't get my head around) Billys' wife (Pamela) Came onto the show, she was the best guest ever..But throughout the whole show I just wanted to tell her "Please say thank you to your husband from me for driving me in the lonely spotlight of comedy!" (I didn't, I was too scared) Although I did tweet her. Pamela Stephenson was as warm and loveable as when as "Scotland's first born" walks on a stage, you just kinda have to  fall in love and hang on his every word!

When I took Roxy to see my hero, it was breathtaking. It was at the Hammersmith event appolo  (I'm pretty sure it's changed names a few more times!) The big yin got a standing ovation just walking on! Seriously .....shouts came from an arena that didn't stop "We love you Billy" I sat with my daughter and in my head said "Yes we do!" I don't think I've ever witnessed such an outpouring of love and he hadn't even opened his mouth. I looked up and back at the huge auditorium I can't even put it words the atmosphere, It really is one of those "You had to be there" moments. In fact thats exactly how brilliantly Billy does his comedy, he takes you there, or is it their, who cares, I was there!

The stage he walked on is where I've walked out to warm up BGT, Gary Barlow and Barry Manilow, I walked his walk and had a picture with the one I always fancied from ABBA ...I sat and watched and thought, I've walked my hero's steps (Although he didn't get an ABBA selfie I'm sure!) I get to say "I walked the same walk , on the same stage, under the same spotlights but I'd swap that any day to experience that moment of watching my hero and we all need a few of them in life!

Over and over (And never out!) The greatest comedian ever! I'll make a donation to comic relief and hold the memory forever. Thank you Anna for not being able to make the gig, because of you I got to show my daughter, who I only wish I was brave enough to be, and I'll never be able to fart on a plane again.

I think my point here is this, Billy Connoly doesn't care what people think, he just does "Him" and he's so loved for it. What a brilliant lesson to us all. Yup it's OK to be just you. 

We live in a world of not being able to be you because it's never good enough. When the "Big Yin" walked on that stage (And every stage I've watched him walk on) He wasn't photo shopped, been on a reality show, had a huge PR campaign to make him loved or hated to earn a few quid, he wasn't branded or come with sponsored tweets or name drops. He just walked in the room, bursting with raw talent and not giving one flying fuck!

I didn't actually take my daughter to watch my hero, I took her to watch a lesson in life...

Just be you! No matter what you do you are going to be judged anyway so you may as well just go and do it anyway, even with cancer and Parkinsons.

It's St Patrick's day, I know Nial, Louis and Eamonn, so I'll celebrate, but only today, tomorrow it's the rugby, you've got 24 hours of my outpouring of love and a "I love you Ireland!" I mean who doesn't!

Thank you for reading.

Sent from just me...

Thank you "Sir Billy Connoly" I think it's about time that happened, if only to hear the routine after.

*Bows*

Wednesday, 15 March 2017

Open the gate.

I love my meals on wheels round but today I don't.

Halfway through the round I'd open a gate to a house called "Avalon" (Also the name of one of the biggest comedy agents around, the irony was not lost on me!) As I went through the gate (With a hot meal in hands) I'd approach a home who's owner built it with his own hands. He would be sat in his garden on a white chair with a smile and warmth to just melt me.

He was Italian, and as I walked towards him I felt like I was in an episode of "The Godfather" His name was "Mr Merlin" and his handshake and kindness was just as magical. RIP you lovely man, I'll seriously miss opening your gate and seeing that smile!  ..I seriously will.

In the world of amazing technology you'd think someone would do an app thing to find your keys! The amount of hours I've  bloody lost searching desperately to find the buggers! I suppose if I just put them in the same place it would solve this problem! That's too easy though, right?

I feel a bit sorry for the Queen,  I mean over her reign how curtains has she had to open by way of a string to reveal a plaque? I can just imagine HRH Prince Phillip lying in bed and saying "Open the curtains love?" With our majesty replying "Are you taking the piss?"

I think I've just about run out of "Throw back Thursday" pictures! What's the cut off point for a #TBT anyway? I'm pretty sure last month doesn't really cut it! I almost want to go back in time to take more pictures so I can zoom back to 2017  and have a healthier hub of photos to share!

I seriously need to get back to the gym as summer is fast approaching and the only beach ready I am is "Beached  whale" ready! Seriously if I took my top off in the sun right now I'm pretty sure Greenpeace would launch a boat the try and roll back in the water! I actually love being at the Gym and the feeling you get leaving it,  it's just the getting there bit I struggle with! Must try harder!

Have a great Thursday, I'm off to travel back in time!

Monday, 13 March 2017

Break up!

Dear Scotland.

I love you.

My brother was born in you!

My hero in comedy is your soul, I call him Billy, you call him yours; "The big yin!" I only wish he was mine...I flew miles for him, it's what true friends do....

Your landscape, humour, passion and whiskey is unparreled.

You are beautiful in your views, able to create things never created before by ways never matched!

A chocolate bar and deep fat frying!

Goosebumps by way of a bagpipe!

Hogmanay and first footing!

Best tram ever to the airport!

The TV and comedy festival to match no other! 

That restaurant in the caves I once eat in!

John McCloud ...A hairdresser way ahead of his time.

The start of a bike ride I'll never forget!

Rod Stewart! (And Penny's legs....that's important!)

A tattoo we can never get rid of in our souls, legs, arms, backs ...and on and on....

Mickey Yule....

Gordon Smart ...

Haggis..That's yours and yours alone!

The Scots guards! 

That castle!

That monster in that lake!

Tartan!

Harry bloody Potter! 

The mile!

Great friends stand together through thick and thin.

I lost my brother and I don't want to lose you.

Please stay ...

Together  we can move mountains not borders!

Warmest regards

An English bloke in love with you!

Thank you for reading ...

Saturday, 11 March 2017

They know!

My phone nearly knows everything!

I was sat with my girlfriend the other day after having dinner and my phone kindly told me that I needed to leave the place we where in to catch my last tube home. The bloody cheek of it, I wasn't going home, talk about over bloody protective! I'm in my 40's and am allowed to stay out - Phone!

My phone also tells me when there is heavy traffic in my area, what the weather is like and my nearest train station plus any delays, I live on the "Southern" rail line so you can imagine how many delay notifications I get! Bloody rail company is even responsible for draining my battery,  there is no end to it!

My printer has also decided to join forces with my phone, it's like a double pronged attack, a package arrived in the post the other day, always exciting, my printer knew when I was running low on ink, had a chat with someone and that someone sent me some ink cartridges. The printer is alive I tell you!

It doesn't stop, I took a picture the other day and within a minute my phone asked me if I wanted to add the picture to the cafe I was sat in! Is there no privacy left anymore, it said "It will help other people" I was having a bloody coffee, how the hell is that going to help anybody!

I got a call from my Roxy a month or so back about a day at her school called "Go to work with your parent day!!" I had no gigs in the book that day so was at a loss what to do, although I did think a day watching Netflix and tweeting may cover it!

I spoke to my line producer at "Britain's got talent" which I was working on at the time to ask if my Roxy could go into the Fremantle offices to do some stuff, what? I had no clue! Dawn was over it in the same passion she is over our show, maximum effort, brilliant results and Roxy went to work and loved it!

The day included a trip to ITV  thanks to a rapid message to my friend Lee-anne and a finale sat in Simon Cowell's desk chair which was epic! (Thank you Ben!)

The point here is this, as the apple of my eye met commissioners, founders, inventers of entertainment, powerhouses, PA's, researchers, runners, producers, security staff, cleaners, PR's, musical A&R's, communication teams and so many talented people I thought this; TV and music really is like an iceberg! 

What we watch on our screens really is the tip of an iceberg, if the cameras could zoom past the glossy floors, huge stars, big screens and magical entertainment we watch, relax too, escape too and get lost in, it would see the true heartbeat of the screen's we watch. The people you never see, hear of and know of, are the life support machine to our remote controls, radios and computers.

You see when I read tweets or postings putting shows or artists down I don't think of the show or the star, they are used to it!  I think of the runner who worked 19 hours, the tech crew who were still working long after the slagging off tweet as we sleep, the cleaners, the security guards,  the audience people, the crew, the cast, the creatives, I think below the waterline to the bigger part of the iceberg.

I also know not everything we watch or listen too is great but in this new world it's all become way to easy to become critics hiding behind a screen saying anything we want without any thought or compassion for how that may make somebody feel or in the case of showbiz - how many people will think!

On any show I have worked on I have never seen anyone give 50% effort,  it's always blood sweat and tears to deliver our rest bite, entertainment and enjoyment. Showbiz is not a job, it's a passion and a dedication I've never witnessed in any other job, trust me I've had a few!

I read a post on my Facebook page the other day from a friend "My American dream is over" I read it over and over again. No dream is ever over, the only time it is over is if we ourselves decide it is over. Don't stop dreaming your dreams, it adds sparkle to a day, excitement in our thoughts and fuzzy feelings in dull days, it just may not be today that the dream happens, but maybe it is, that's why it's a dream. Belive in the reality of the dream and it is so very possible, anything is possible, we just have to trust in our dreams and take action. You can't take the first step towards a dream unless you take the first step!

My daughter now has the showbiz bug, I woke up and didn't stop dreaming,  the traffic in my area is heavy and I may now have to run for a train,  who am I to doubt my phone!

Thank you for reading. Have a great weekend, or week, depending on when you read this!

If you got a notification this has been posted? Sorry I drained your battery!

Sunday, 5 March 2017

Plugs.

I used to know everyone of my friends phone numbers, now I've not a bloody clue, which is why when my phone battery dies on me I almost feel like I've lost a part of me! So why the need for phone boxes?

What a stupid question I hear you ask? But is it?

My phone battery died on me as I was waiting in London to pick my daughter up and I'd not a clue of her number, actually nobody's number! I was isolated from this new world of "The phone" And all it brings us!

Why not put phone charging points in phone boxes? I'd happily put a £1.00 in the slot for 30 minutes charge to save me from the lonelyness of the "No phone isolation" but instead I have to wonder round cafes, bars, and restaurants searching for a plug point and let's be honest, how long before we get charged for using these? I always feel the need to buy something rather than just being blatant and plugging in without any thought for the person who pays the bill! It's an expensive experience this re -charging business. I know, I should buy one of those re - charging things but as is with me, I normally end up losing them or walking around with wires hanging out of my pocket desperately putting juice into my connexion with the outside world!

Lesson here, write down important people's phone numbers and use my phone less, yea that might be the key here!

Sending a tweet to "Good morning Britain" on Monday about Susannas' earings and a matching orniment made me chuckle, the MASSIVE name check from Piers that followed left me speechless, although I did do a little cheer to myself! I know, me speechless, yea right!

It's "Wretch 32" birthday today and I think he is "Thirty two?" That is surely a massive musical milestone!? I sent a video message with my best "Rapping" - OK so I rhymed "Happy birthday to you" with "Wretch 32" I'm a lyrical genius I tell you! I of course sent his lovely reply to my Roxy with the header "Told you I'm cool!"

I'll be honest I'm having a bit of a tough March, some things are not exactly going my way, but, and it's a massive but, it's OK! Not everything is going to be wonderful all of the time, problem is, with my over thinking head and struggles, little things can seem like the biggest darkest holes ever! Depression can be such a dark place and a very lonely one too but I'm choosing to stay positive and get to grips with the fact that life can be a struggle sometimes I'm also talking, to friends, family, girlfriend and my dog!

One of my huge PTSD fears is loss, never feeling good enough and worthy enough, I get scared, fear wraps it's arms round me and some days it takes all my energy to unwrap myself from my silent killer. Paying a bill, making a bed, getting up, brushing my teeth and even opening the curtains can seem like a mountain to climb. But I'll get through it, yes I will and one of the main reasons is I get to write it here. I get to open up.  I get to be honest. I get to get it!

I'll choose positive today, yes there are lots! Sorry fear I'm walking in the sunlight and your strong arms are not big enough today, they are really not! I honestly have so much to be grateful for. Bumps in life's road are just fine. It's life!

I'm having a day out with my daughter tomorrow, I'm off to walk the dog, I've found a plug and Piers said on GMB - Translated in my head "You are worthy and you are somebody"

Funny where that recharging point comes from sometimes!

Curtains open and sunshine everywhere. 

Hello spring and worry not March, I've been here before, I know the way out.

We got this!

Happy 3.2 day!

I see you...

You see me!

Tuesday, 28 February 2017

In the bag!

I had a lovely evening out last night and met my long term friend Linc, who has decided to cycle everywhere, he turned up for dinner with his cycle helmet, his massive smile to light up any room and wait for it.....Trousers in a bag! Yup, that's now a thing! Put on your waterproof trousers, get off your bike and they fold back into a bag! This is why he is one of my closest friends, that and mud wrestling in LA, but that's another story sat in my book for another time!

We had dinner in our friends restaurant "Bar Remo" More showbiz deals and lunches have been conducted in this legendry Italian restaurant just off Oxford circus than probably any Italian in London, it's heart and passion is as big as showbiz in the 80's and a talent in dining to equal it!

Marco (Now the owner after his mum and dad) And his family are the definition of Italian and I love them very much, I could tell a hundred stories of trips to a place called Chertsey and waking up one Christmas morning at Marcos house and having a very funny conversation with his dad who is such a beautiful man, I mean picture the scene, it's 8am Christmas morning and the father of an extremely good looking Italian racing car driver sees another man leaving his only sons bedroom! Brilliant! If only Mr V had realised Marco wasn't even home yet!

I recently hooked back up with Marco and his family and took Roxy for Sunday lunch with his dad and his amazing mum, Elsa. After course three at lunch Roxy just looked at me with a face saying "Daddy when do we stop eating?" We left and my daughters first words "Can we see them again?" The institution of family and tradition lives on, both in Marco's family home and his restaurants...I'm very proud of him, a stone heavier but prouder all the same.

I got hammered on social media and TV following the Sir Philip Green/BHS story. After watching him on TV on the commons select committee coverage (And spilling his water, something I would so do) And hearing the words "I will make it right" I thought to myself I rekon he will. I tweeted about this and got "Slammed" Of course I did, as is so often in this world of social media, see a "something possibly negative" and go in for the attack. Way too easy in my book! I like to think outside the box and think "Just believe Ian that the right thing will be done!"

Actions always speak so much louder than words. Talk is so very very cheap!

Sir Philip is one of the most successful businessmen in my lifetime (And before you say anything I do not know him, I met him once for about 2 minutes!) He did not one illegal thing, but as we love to do in this country we seem to loath anyone successful!

I agree it probably isn't his finest hour but hang on a minute here he said that magical word "Sorry!" And put a load of cash back into the pension fund, let us remember one thing here, he did not have to do any of those two things! Nope neither! 

I may be putting my head on the PR chopping board here but I really hate anger at people at least trying to make a wrong right and I say again, by action not words!

Yes he's got a yacht, huge money, a lifestyle we all dream of but what's that got to do with anything - He's a successful business man, all power to him! He's paid back his mistake and more so made amends..Let's look at the beaviour of some of those MP'S going for his throat shall we?

Do I feel for the BHS workers God yes! Do I understand what it's like to be left with nothing, to lose everything?  Yes! Do I understand what it's like to be left with no hope? Yes! Let me explain where I'm coming from here. ..

I'd been evicted from my home, lost a business,  was standing outside Sainsburys at 8pm for the reduced food, I couldn't get a job for love nor money I had without question lost everything along with my spirit and drive ..I was at the lowest point of my life. Imagine not even being able to give your daughter spending money for her holiday?  Heartbreaking! Do I understand the empty feeling and lonely fear of worry and doubt? Do I understand loss? You've no idea!

Then this happened and it's just like the BHS story!

I got a call from my friend Simon Cowell. I had lost all direction and he sat me down in his office and gave me the map back to life. Did he need to? No! Did he have to? No! But he did and as I enter the third month of 2017 I'm now booking a holiday away with my daughter not scraping through my golf bag for a pound to buy something to eat. My friend Craig watched the tears fall down my face after the meeting, I had hope back...That's everything!

You see the haters will hate from a place of envy and jealously but two people reached out....Why oh why attack that? Why? I tell you why, because it's easy! I hate easy!

Sir Philip just did the same in my eyes and experience. They don't give those "Sir" things out for nothing and Roxy and I love "Topshop" trips, do I think "Oh the size of his yacht I'm paying for here?" No! I think "That smile on my kids face!" Oh and Beyoncé "Ivy park" stuff is actually pretty cool. In fact Rox made me chuckle the other day "Daddy if Beyonce has girl twins we could actually have a new "Destiny's child!"" That's my girl!

Sorry is a very easy word, sorry with action to make the wrong right is everything. Really it is!

To all those that "Slamned" me for trusting in the "Right thing will be done" Form an orderly que and ask yourself this "Did you just take a step out of the box and believe in someone's honour?"

Anyway, I'm off to book a holiday with my Roxy I hope you now can too BHS workers .

Sent from a pedlo in Croydon!

Thank you for reading. X

Monday, 27 February 2017

And the winner is....

I'm sat writing this overhearing a conversation between an elderly couple which started with......

"I don't go to London, all those gays give you aids, they're  everywhere, that's why I stay in Croydon!"

I was honestly gobsmacked and I really though we had all moved on however if you are gay you might want to avoid Croydon, I mean, you're never going to get a date their!

Maybe it's a generation thing - to be honest my family swore for years Larry Grayson was straight and I'm pretty sure my cousin still believes George Michael is straight! (I say "Is" as "Was" just doesn't seem right to wright!)

Talking of our older generation I did my "Meals on wheels" round today and was gutted to find out two of my favorites were in hospital and three beautiful souls had died. One month I'm having a lovely conversation with a kind Italian lady who would always greet you with "Hello my darling" or having a fab bit of banter with the Irish lady, I'd always take her breakfat bowl to the kitchen and get her meal ready. She had no TV and would just do crosswords, the last was a gorgeous soul who'd never eat her piece of fruit but we would always have a good flirt. I will miss their smiles so much as I walked in to their rooms, there one month then gone!

Time is so precious, it really is.

My heart goes out to the Oscars envolope guy it really does, when I've made mistakes in the past I was 99% of the time mortified by my own stupidity, I've made so many as well but I think they call it life! The problem I have is that I'm very hard on myself, too hard sometimes but I guess that's just me! So can you imagine passing the wrong envolope to a watching millions at the showbiz highlight of the year? He must be mortified, how do you even sleep that night after that? 

The problem is with "Mistakes" they can last a lifetime and I fear this poor guy is going to get the "Oh you're the guy from the Oscars!?" Like forever!

If I was him I'd laugh at my own mistake, the truth is if you can laugh at yourself and own it, it's simply takes all the power out of it! That's my experience anyway. Let's be honest, the wrong movie got called out and although in the glitz and glamour of Hollywood i'm sure that it was  devastating! But is it really? It's an envolope and a night which has now passed, not great for the makers of La La Land but nobody died here apart from the guys heart who made the error!

The problem is nobody can make a mistake now, pictures have to perfect and edited to perfection, one wrong step in life and you seem to be doomed but and here is the but, guess what? Nobody is perfect, EVERYONE makes mistakes! In my experience it's the only time I've learned anything and to be fair I've had to make the same few ones a few goes just to make sure!

Here is the thing! What would the families do of the ladies on my meals on wheels round (Who lost their battle with life) Give to see them make a mistake, just even one more!

Have a great day and thank you for reading.

Sunday, 26 February 2017

Word!

I think I'm a cool dad, up-to-date on fashion, (Im a religious reader of Glamour Mag!), Social media and life in general, I have great conversations with my Roxy and like to think I'm not in any way shape or form embarrassing. This week I realised I am deluded on all the above!

Last weekend myself and my everything went to a trip to London, we had the usual Sunday morning conversation;

"So dad what are you up to this week?"

I went to my phone calender as I've found as I get older the memory is not what it was to be fair I don't think I'm alone in this as I spoke to a friend the other day who had to check their phone to see what they did the day before!

Anyway I ran off my list of "Things dad is doing!" One on the list was hosting the annual Norwood charity "YN property awards" I've done this now for the past three years but this year they decided to go with no comedian and that laughing bit was put fully on my shoulders, and I loved it! Was I nervous? Hell yes! I was following the likes of Omid Dijali and Katherine Ryan who had done this gig in years gone by. The problem is I don't do jokes, my comedy is simply walk out and go with what's in front of me, the problem with this is? You just hope you are going to have something in front of you! as is always mostly the case I found the things to build off and found myself in full flow (The evening raised over £170k for a brilliant charity.  Well done team "Norwood!")

This has not always been the case! I've had to climb out of a window in Hull, got booed off so badly in Midlesbourgh (Dormans athletic club) that anytime I hear the word "Midlesbourgh" my anxiety rises and I go into a cold sweat! Trust me, when James Arthur (Who's from Midlesbourgh) Went all the way in The x factor I almost had to do meditation before each show! I died a comedic death so bad on the QE2 in New York they asked me to get off the ship, it was horrific but everytime I heard the silence I learnt! I think this is the problem with today's "Celebrity" in a way, they show up and suddenly they are a star without any of the life experiences to stand them in good stead. I don't resent them, not at all, good luck to them, it's just a new world from when I first started out in the business called "Show!"

Anyway I digress!

"So Roxy what's your week looking like?"

We were sat on a train opposite each other and she began her busy schedule list!"

Drama.
Drama show.
Duke of Edinburgh award charity shop work.
Friend coming over.

"Oh, on Friday daddy, I'm walking home from school with a boy!"

Inside my head three words screamed "What the fuck?"

Silence. ...

"Daddy why are you staring in a funny way out of the train window?"

"No reason love!" I was actually planning a surveillance team, hiring a helicopter and wanting to meet this boys parents!

This is my little girl! This is the little button  I held for the first time when she was born, hugged when she fell over, dropped at her first day at school, baked with, went on holiday with, read stories too, got up in the middle of the night for, consoled when she had butterflies in her tummy before her first school play, taught to ride a bike, checked under bed for monsters, I was my daughters ONLY man!  A boy! I said again WTF!

Roxy kinda started having a bit of banter "Don't worry dad he wants to be a brain surgeon!"

"That's fantastic love!" I replied, but what I was actually thinking was "If he hurts you  or tries ANYTHING inappropriate he will be seeing the inside of a hospital quicker than he imagined!"

I dropped her off to her Mums with a huge pain in my heart.....It was like losing something you are never going to get back!

Now I know this may sound a little dramatic (Me, dramatic? Never!) But it honestly hit me like a ton of bricks! My little girl was little anymore and I was no longer the apple of her eye!

Friday came and 30 minutes after school finished I called her mum having a mini worry storm, my ex wife handled me beautifully and no she hadn't heard from her! You may want to note that this dad once called the police because Roxy was 20 minutes late from meeting me after school and I started a full scale search! I know ...embarrassing dad but we've not even started yet, I know they do a"Dad of the year award" Maybe they should do an "Embarrassing dad of the year award?" I mean Roxy once brought 8 of her school friends to watch The X factor, you can imagine the pride she felt with all her friends as the next thing they all watched was her Dad walking out on stage naked  other than my boxer shorts shoved up my arse! The price of being the daughter of the warmup guy I guess!

I phoned my mate Dave on the train and explained the situation of the Dad/Daughter silence, (He's a dad to a daughter also) He chuckled and said "That's why my daughter does karate!" "What the hell Dave, Roxy only does Beyonce!" I was doomed!

We put a date in to meet up and I hung up, I was going from mild worry to panic, as we pulled into the next station three ladies got off the train and smiled at me with comments such as "Good luck" "She'll be fine" and the one that rocked me to my core" "Don't worry, snogging only normally starts on date four!" I was a wreck!

A while later two texts arrived, one from my ex wife "She's home" and one from Roxy saying "I'm home!" I could almost see her rolling her eyes as she sent it! I had a strong urge to try and find the people who had given me such sympathies on their departure to share such wonderful news!

Today's meeting with Roxy was coffee and a whole conversation about The BRITs and it was properly "Lit" It would seem local Croydon lad Stormzy is the new really cool man of moment! She showed me his reply to Adel on "Insta" although I had to have a lesson in the words used! Legit! 

Once Stormzy put on his social media "Box park in Croydon in one hour, see you there" (Roxys face was alight with excitment! This has made him a legend, to be fair from my point of view, made Croydon cool again....Who knew!

I was lost to be honest, I'm a huge fan of Wretch 32 - (Who Roxy always has to tell me it's "Three two" not "Thirty two!") Example, Jay Z, and Professor Green so I thought I was a step ahead. I'm not, I'm just trying to catch up!

The morale of this story....I'm a Dad and that's just not cool in the eyes of my daughter or any daughter but that's also a brilliant thing. On the plus side, a brain surgeon? Let's be honest I think I probably may need one!

Have a great day my "Mandem" I'm off to find some more work, I've got a helicopter, two surveillance teams and 5 satiate tracking devices to pay for!

Safe!

Saturday, 25 February 2017

Pointing!

I watched an interview on ITV's "This morning" programme in the week which upset me to my core and not just because I'm a parent, but I'm also a grown man living in a society where it seems wholly acceptable to be abusive. A very brave mother came on the show to talk about her daughter, Megan, who after a tirade of online abuse took her own life.

Devastating, shocking and so very sad!

The story really moved me and I spent the whole day turning it around in my head just heartbroken for Megan and her family  but also the realisation that we live in a social media world where resentment, anger, abuse, criticism and hatred is a daily if not hourly thing and more so seems totally acceptable and part of today's normal life! How very sad!

A normal day in life is hard enough as it is right? Now let's just throw in Trump, Brexit , Murders, sackings, twitter and Facebook rants, traffic delays, strikes, the refugee crisis, syria, the weather and normal day to day brick walls  that are a part of everyday life, it's a serious never ending stream of negativity, now imagine being a young person, imagine all that and then being personally attacked in ways that beg belief.

Every action has a reaction. I'm no saint, I've had spats, rants, outbursts and falling outs, I've said things I have very much regretted and have let myself down and no doubt hurt people along my journey, it's called being human but I honestly can say with my hand on my heart I have never once gone out of my way to hurt someone or intentionally wanted to upset someone, it honestly isn't in my make up,  the actual thought of hurting someone to make myself feel better is alien to me and knowing I had would probably upset me more than the person I had hurt, but as I said I'm not perfect!

Watching Megan's mum really got me thinking about "Sticks and stones will break my bones but names will never hurt me!" In a new world of social media this really is out of date!

There is a great saying "When you point the finger look at where the other three are pointing!?" Yup, right back at the finger pointer. In life we tend to put others down and attack because we have the real issue I guess it's a way of covering our own insecurities and flaws but why take it out on someone else? Does it change anything? Well yes it does and the harsh truth of Megan's suicide is the proof!

Surely it's easier to be kind, to pay a compliment, to ask are you OK?  Surely it's more in step with the universe to support others rather than destroy them? To care than to criticize, To embrace rather than kick someone down? Surely?

Let's take Donald Trump as an example. Now I don't agree with 90% of what he stands for but does he effect me? No? Reading twitter, the hysteria is at an epidemic level, seriously it's almost as mad as his wall! Here is the thing, not one thing I've done this week has been changed by POTUS. Not one thing but, and here is the key, if I buy into the drama, anger, resentment and negativity it's suddenly part of my day and I have to carry that round with me! Screw that!

Change begins with one person, now I'm not deluded enough to think we are all about to become saints but even if we just took a second to think."Would I say this to that's persons face?" "Would I say this to a person I'm sat watching with a rope around there neck or 100 sleeping pills next to there bed?" Would you? Would I? Never!

Kindness is a really simple act. Saying something positive is a really simple act.Thinking of others is a really simple act. Today's society is lucky, you only have to type it, in my day you had to do "Bob a job week" with the cubs and scouts, now it's just a few seconds on a keyboard and you could possibly change the course of someone's day and in a brilliant way.

I only hope the interview with Megan's mum is sent to every single school and shown to every single pupil. It's that powerful.

Let's start the change, why? Because we can!

Thank you for reading and have a great day and good luck with my grammar!

Friday, 24 February 2017

That bloody storm!

Yesterday was #DorisDay

The wind blew, things got destroyed,  life was lost, landscapes changed, barriers were realigned, boundaries of our sacred homes moved and fun things such as trampolines moved to different areas!

Today I've woken up with the sun shining, a blue sky, no wind and "Stuff" in different places.

Ladies and gentleman welcome to life!

I've not put my finger to a keypad in a long time because my storm was blowing all over the place last year, if I'm honest I couldn't even find the bloody keyboard my life was so dark, lost and misaligned but guess what, the storm passed!

Life is going to be shit sometimes that's just life, I guess the problem is when we are in the shit bit there seems no way out, we are sat in the middle of Doris and her whirlwind trying to find the bouncy trampoline, except it's in someone else's garden! My experience is that everyone else's garden looked so much better than mine as I sat in the storm. Why couldn't I bounce on the trampoline? Why did I have to sit in this dark mess? Why did my storm seem worse than anyone else's? Just why? The storm got bigger, the drama of the mess more highlighted and the trampoline so very far away!

Read twitter from yesterday and everyone had there own experience of Doris! That's the same with life!

It's the Why of life!

What you may find easy to accept and walk past will never be the same as anyone else. My storm will be always different to yours! My flying weelybin will never be your nightmare, my mess and my black bag full of my life thrown all down the street in utter chaos will never look the same as yours To you it may just be something to step over, clear up and move on. To me it may be hell on earth.

But here is the thing, I woke up today (That's a real gift in my life) And the storm had past and all I had to do was clear up the mess! But I got to do it with a clear blue sky, no wind and no dramatic Doris! 

I've been through hell but today I get to sit and clear up the aftermath of my Doris in my own time and so can you!

It's a calm day today, as calm as you want to make it!

Go slowly, pick up the pieces from your wheelybin, fix the fence, move your trampoline back and start to bounce again, sit back and know you've got this.

It maybe broken and a mess all around you but as the sunshines on your back know you are more than capable of starting the clear up and it doesn't all have to be today.

Fix it well, strap down your trampoline and prepare from this experience as Doris will one day return but you've got it covered....

Remember you've been here before, cleared it up, learnt the lessons and grown.

In other words ...this too will pass and you are not ever alone, ever! Remember I sat through #DorisDay too and guess what, it was just a day!

X

Monday, 15 February 2016

Stephen Fry and a BAFTA bag lady!

So I sat down to watch the BAFTA Awards last night, I do love an award ceremony and a red carpet so it was to be a valentines night full of perfection for me.

Stephen Fry hosted the ceremony brilliantly, as always, and made some very funny comments and quips particularly the "Bag lady" comment to his friend,  yes his friend and then, as is so the case now,  the twitter police and haters came out in their thousands, yes that great thing us British love to do, complain and knock down anyone successful and enjoying "Their moment" under a huge spotlight. 

You only have to pick up any publication or twitter to find this very horrible trait in our make up " Worsed dressed" "Red carpet failures" it goes on and on.

I think Stephen Fry did exactly the right thing leaving twitter even though I hear cries of "Attention seeking" and "Drama queen" Not one bit, not even a tiny bit!

Let's just take a moment to put ourselves in his shoes and to be honest, any celebrity or star turning up at any event or performing.

So you go to work, you've been working seriously hard on your project to be presented to the company (In Stephen Fry's case a huge TV audience) you are nervous but confident, you suffer with anxiety and depression but you are truly believing in yourself and your ability.

You pick your best outfit and hold your head high and prepare for your moment in the spotlight,  the whole company is hanging on your very word.  You nail it with a couple of harmless jokes and it's a triumph!

You leave the stage and make your way to the exit to go celebrate all your hard work which had seriously paid off in front of your piers and your audience, you are walking tall and proud of yourself!

As you leave there are thousands of people at the door waiting for you and then the hate begins, they line up one by one to tell you how terrible you are, you take every damaging hurtful comment in, now let's add to the fact that not one of these people could ever do what you have just done, you continue to take the abuse, your anxiety,  self doubt and depression mounts, your moment gone and the negativity flows over and over again!

So, here is the question! What would you do? Stay around and keep hearing the abuse or leave? You'd leave, fact, and all power to you for doing so Stephen Fry, it's your twitter, your life,  your self protection and mental health, it's your place to do anything you want to do!

Now if that's not enough, let's all wake up in the morning after a terrible night of hatred over frankly nothing and let's open the press stories to see how terrible we look!

Could you handle that day at work? No!

But this is showbiz where it's OK to hate anyone buy way of a faceless hurtful tweet, not everyone is filled up with self esteem, confidence and self belife in fact if you dig deep in showbiz most don't have any understanding of those words some days, it's why we do what we do, to find acceptance, no seriously! 

So you take as much time as you need Stephen Fry and know this, you owned it, delivered it and did what not one of the haters could do - Performed a masterclass.

Take a bow and know you are very loved you national treasure and in the words of a man I met once "Fuck em!" ❤

Tuesday, 28 April 2015

Women in the lounge!


I like women, I like to be in their company, I like their conversation, I like their outlook and I am drawn to their strength and power, their courage and their convictions, if I am at a party you'll find me with the women in the lounge  not the men in the garden!

I haven’t always treated women with the respect I now hold for them and I have learnt to work hard to change my opinions, thinking and actions towards them. I was brought up in an environment and age where woman were spoken down to, trodden all over, ridiculed and treated as second class, learning new ideas and thoughts about the female race as well as trying to understand their viewpoints  has been, for me, life changing and an ongoing process.

I truly believe in my heart woman are way more than equal to men and here is why.

A man (Not all here, just those who see woman as “Les than”) Will spend a few moments lending his time to a woman to impregnate her, he will then, no doubt, go for the “Quick cuddle” and the “I love you” before dropping off to sleep while worrying about his next big car, how is football team are doing or which suit to wear when out with the “Lads” drink on Thursday, however ,from this second on I believe something magical happens because from that moment on a woman will do something that men are incapable of doing, they will carry a life! I believe there is a reason God gave women this responsibility, can you seriously imagine a man even attempting this, a disaster!

In today’s age not only will a woman carry the baby around and all its discomforts and struggles she will still be working as well and doing everything that she did before .She will also sacrifice many things for the health of the baby, can you imagine a man giving up his wine or beer or football on Saturdays, nope!

Women die from giving birth, they go through a pain no man could ever handle and then in 50% of all cases (That’s as good as my mathematical research is going to get here) a boy is born. A woman (In most cases) Will nurture, care for, provide, love, feed, hold, cry over, worry over and protect the son until he is sent into the big wide world, now I am not saying men don’t do this, I just believe the woman does more and has a much stronger connexion than any man will ever understand, how could we, we didn’t carry the baby inside us and feel it’s every move and heart beat!

And here’s the bit that needs to change (And I believe is changing) That same man that woman gave life too  grows says “Women can’t drive, they are second class, they shouldn’t have powerful jobs, they shouldn’t earn as much, they need to stay in the kitchen, will refer to them as “Bloody women” The list goes on and on, yes the same man who’s mother could and no doubt would have died for him now suddenly believes they are “Not worthy” How narrow minded and how forgetful!

But here is the best bit, by us men changing, even just with a little step and the odd word and gesture, the circle is broken and generations to come will look back on yesterday’s ways with much horror, look how far we have come since the 1970’s and it just takes one to start the ball rolling and I believe it is today.

A woman in my mind is far superior to a man, where does a man turn to in his darkest saddest times, A man, no, too proud to do that, we men, or in my experience turn to the strong woman, the same strong woman who couldn’t hold a company together because she has breasts and may “Care” and “Feel”  too much, I have heard the saying way too many times “Men are made of stronger stuff, utter bollocks, we are just better at hiding it!

I started to read Glamour magazine a while back, I did this because of twitter and I love it on many levels, not because I like Jo Elvin,  Dawn O’Porter or Celia Walden (Although this was my starting point and a very good starting point at that) I read it because I am truly getting a better understanding of women and how they feel in today’s world, by doing this I can act and react with a wider knowledge of their feelings and emotions, I also get to laugh a lot reading it and always at the stupidity of us men!

I flirt too much and love you too much and I have not one ounce of shame saying so, why wouldn’t I, I think you truly “Run the world” you must do for it is you that holds the man together and men next time you put down a woman, belittle her, use her as a sexual docking station, undermine her, devalue her or hurt her, remember this, it is that same woman who gave you the power to do it, step out of the circle and let change begin and lets all meet in the kitchen!

Woman should be empowered, treated with respect and embraced, as a man I know I don't get it right all of the time, but the fact I'm trying is a start, Men, go out and have a read of Glamour, start following some empowered women on social media then look at the woman you may have put down today or belittled or undermined and go tell her how grateful you are and then keep on telling  her and more over, keep showing her, I promise the results for you both will be "Sensational"   

 

Thank you, yes you who has all power, the woman.

Written with respect to the Gay, Lesbian, Bisexual and transgender communities.

 

Saturday, 25 April 2015

Different!


Roxy loves The Kardashians as much as she does Zoella (The hit youtuber) both of these “Shows” have been brought to me courtesy of Roxy.

I love Zoe because she inspires my daughter, something I take very seriously, there is so much hatred on twitter, so much anger and negativity that Roxy could buy into but Zoe, Alfie (Her other half) Are without question a breath of fresh air, Zoe talks about everything in her life including the down sides, this is inspiring and brave but it truly is what I believe a role model is and should be, by sharing her life she takes the stigma out of anxiety and puts it out in the open and removes the power of the unknown and gets others to open up and talk about it, this is incredible and very powerful, a leader not a follower.

Now let’s get on to The Kardashians, I had heard of them only because Roxy didn’t stop talking about them but refused to watch as it was just another reality show but I was missing Rox, her in one room, me in another! I made the executive Dad decision and decided to watch an episode with her and I was immediately hooked!
Who were these people and how beautiful was Kris? (I have to be honest and declare at this point she was my real reason for sticking around at first and after getting a picture at the NTA's I was a very happy Dad!) This family are outrageous, engaging, entertaining, funny and slightly off the wall and I loved it and everything about it!

The Kardashians are extremely powerful with a huge following of fans so thus they carry much weight by way of influencing others and this is why when I read the story of Bruce Jenner undergoing a sex change I found it nothing less than inspiring and extremely brave. I got panic attacks talking about my story to a few thousand, what he is doing is just incredible!

Let’s look at this, here is a man known not only all over America but also over the world who announces to a masive following that he wasn’t being true to himself. Many of his fans and followers will have no doubt laughed at this announcement or may have been shocked by it but he believes he is doing right by himself and not by others, he has ultimately taken control of his own life and is doing exactly what he pleases with it and that I find incredible. The support coming from his own family is just beautiful as well and again hugely inspiring. As I write this it reminds me of Sam Smith saying "My life changed when I truly became me" How true this is.

We so often in life just want to “Fit in” or just “Follow the crowd” or “Not cause any waves” Why? Surely we were all put on this earth to be amazing, to do amazing things, to embrace all that we are? We don’t do things or challenge ourselves, or try change because we allow our fears to block us from change! But why fear? What are we fearing? Fear of what others may think? That’s none of our business surely!

There are leaders and there are followers (A statement my sister in law would tell my beautiful niece Olivia often) Why follow when you can lead, why sit in the same old boring place? Why just exist? Why keep doing things to please everyone else? Why not take a risk, a leap, a jump or even a small step, ask yourself: What is the worst thing that could happen here? I’d suggest nothing!

Bruce Jenner will be up for much ridicule, of that I am sure, but I also believe the people who rip into him for making this choice about his life will be people who are unable to come to terms with their own lives, people who will not have the courage to make real change, to inspire others, to make a difference, these people are the followers, not the leaders ,they are the ones who cannot overcome fear so use it to poke at others. They are the weak ones not the strong empowered ones!

You don’t have to be famous or as popular as Bruce Jenner or Zoe to make change because by changing self and being true to one self you will change the most important person in the world, YOU! And I promise you if you are brave and take that small step, you will change another and so the chain begins.

Anything is possible in this life, anything at all and Bruce Jenner and Zoe are proof that taking a small step, speaking out and making change can indeed change more than one life, they can change millions of lives.

And before you think I am about to announce I am going to become “Julia” I am not, although having said that this would make me a lesbian and thus a little closer to getting a snog off Ellen or a date with Vikki Beaching who also stood up, talked and changed so many lives.

We only have this day, don’t sit in fear, step through it, embrace it and own the day, own yourself and be the person you are so capable of being, fight the fear and do it anyway, shit, you may even enjoy it!
I for one don't want to be lowered into my grave to solemn music, I want to slide and skid right into it with blasting music shouting, "Now that was one hell of a ride!"

.

Thanks for reading and sorry about the grammer, it’s not my strongest point!

Tuesday, 3 June 2014

My last blog....


What an amazing couple of weeks, I’ve had some time on a football field with One Direction and of course Piers Morgan, Been in front of camera three times with my friends at Sky News, The Paul O’Grady show and of course the live semi – Finals of Britain’s Got Talent and this was topped off beautifully with a piece in The Sun newspaper TV magazine under the heading of “The Talent behind the talent”
I didn’t get much time in my bed nor with my family, but I just loved being busy and more the point loved being in front of camera. When you have waited so long for the break even the little time in make-up means the reality of a lifelong dream, a lifetime of commitment, passion and drive is, if even slowly, possibly materialising! However I have been round a while to know that this wonderful, colourful, unpredictable world of show business is anything but a certainty, it is as unpredictable and sometimes as devastating as the weather we moan about on an hourly basis, but it can also bring much sunshine and joy, you just never know when which I guess is why I can never give up again!

I am not writing this blog to tell you what a wonderful week I have had nor to blow smoke up my own arse, really, follow me on twitter and that would do the job! I write today as I have been trying to do over the past months to simply carry a message through my experiences, emotions, feelings and life lessons.

The truth in life is you are powerless over people, places and things, what you are not powerless over is you! It is no secret I have a lifelong dream and goal to be in front of camera, however I am powerless as to whether that will ever happen, the joy for me today is that I have spent a while working hard to be ready for such a moment rather than a huge amount of energy trying to make the moment and it has been life changing. I have not by one stretch of the imagination given up on my dreams but I have stopped worrying so much about the end goal and have poured much energy into the journey to such a place rather than the place itself.

I did this by having a long hard look at myself and all areas of my life and worked hard to put them how I want them to be, not what everyone else thinks I should be. I have worked hard at being who I want to be, I ask myself the question: If you met you, would you like you? Now I get this wrong, I am human, but I try to make sure it’s a question I ask a lot and then take steps to fix it where it doesn’t sit well! I have also learnt to listen and take advice, the biggest lesson I have learnt is you don’t HAVE to take action on the advice given, that’s a wonderful thing in life called “Choice!” But listen I do and think hard about others thoughts, after all they were kind enough to take the time to share them, to not listen is to be blinkered to others experience.

Dreams, goals and aspirations will not just fall in your lap, that is the stuff of Hollywood, but the sparkly lights and glitter may come if you prepare yourself properly. You will never win the lottery if you don’t buy a ticket and you will never pass the exam if you don’t prepare properly, yes some will get lucky, but when it comes to proving your worth, you will be flawed! Life is a long journey, the great joy for me today is I am really enjoying the journey and taking it in rather than hating it for it not being where and what I want it to be, I have admitted powerlessness and try my best to make the most of every day, I try to learn from it not resent it, embrace it not push it away and laugh at it when the time is right. Some people only have one day, I ask, if this were my last day would I be happy with it?

Work for some is not everything, show business for me is my life and is only superseded by my family, they are my constants and my life, but it’s about priorities. I threw a ball in the garden with my Roxy yesterday and got a greater buzz than any audience could ever possibly give me. Today I see that, for so long I did not!

Grab the day, work hard for what is important to you, do the right thing, give freely of self and think of others before yourself and it is my experience the rest of your world will all fall into place but only if you do it for no gain for yourself, it’s the kind of rule! Be kind to yourself, look after yourself and improve yourself, I try to and it feels good, I trued the opposite, honestly, trust me the end of the game is a dark lonely place!

If life doesn’t really work out the way you planned it, maybe it’s time to take a small change of direction Be brave, step out of your comfort zone and try something new, be spontaneous and just go with it, as long as it’s not hurting anyone else, nothing can go wrong, and if it does go tits up, laugh at yourself, get up, brush yourself off and start all over again and look at yourself in the mirror and say “Fuck it, at least I had a go!”

Yes I want more time in makeup, yes I want more time in front of camera, yes I want to walk the red carpet, I want my dream, I have worked a whole lifetime for it. Sometimes in life though, you got to go do it yourself, even only for you, your satisfaction and your spirit.

This is my last blog, time now to try some new areas of technology and go buy a camera


It’s time for “The talent behind the talent” to give every bit of energy and effort to be “The talent stood next to the talent” and if it doesn’t work, I’ll warm them up the best I can and be very proud of it and then go home, stand in front of that bloody mirror I keep banging on about and say “Fuck it, I had a go!”

Thank you so much for reading my words and sharing in my experiences and thoughts over the past years. Writing has been my therapy, my energy and my fun. Who knows, I may return to it one day, but for now, I’ll take a bow and exit stage right to a new box of modern technology!
Game of catch in the garden anyone? 
Ian.

 

 

Thursday, 22 May 2014

New Things..

Finding new things are just so exciting, for example this week I found out how to connect my "Spotify" via my Bluetooth to my car speakers, now to the modern hip reader this may sound like a simple task, but for me it is an epic occasion, sadly though I now know I am getting old and technology flies past my years, I am happy to own that and just get on with it!

A friend then pointed out another amazing new find, the little arrow by the fuel gauge in a car is in fact pointing at the side your fuel flap is, for years I thought this was an arrow for simple folk like myself to tell me the car was once again left empty by the wife, utter genius, I also found some money in my jeans pocket this week, finding new stuff is just great and makes me really happy!

So it's election day and I always feel privileged to have a vote in a democratic society, I always go with my wife and I always vote with pride and take the responsibility of voting very very seriously!

I used to live in a flat in central London and new neighbours arrived, they were asylum seekers from Afghanistan, (I later found this out) a man a wife and his two children, the family moved into a newly refurbished flat with all the mod cons, after a few days of moving in I noticed the man of the house lighting a fire outside for his wife to cook the family meal, was I shocked, yes, did I go up in arms about this happening in a nice street in a nice area of London, yes, but here is the but, my wife and I discussed it, and I decided to let the man know about the cooker in his flat and to start up a conversation. I never saw the fire in the front porch area again, but we had started a conversation and thus a relationship. I used to watch him every morning go out on a bicycle to collected junk to sell at a car boot sale, he would leave at the crack of dawn and return late at night his second hand wobbly bike full with anything he could sell to feed his family, I was also very proud of my front garden, (I may have mentioned in a previous blog I won a local front garden completion, probably the only award I have ever won and one I am very proud of and would tell anyone regardless of them glazing over with boredom at my utter delight) Any way one weekend I noticed his family in his overgrown front garden with kitchen spoons weeding and making good their garden, he said in broken English he was "Embarrassed at his garden making the street look bad" This man was fitting in as much as I was trying to understand him.

At Christmas and although they were Muslim, he brought round a Christmas card and when we moved he came out with his family and was visibly upset, he shook my hand tight and thanked me and my family for our kindness and he said and I quote "You are like family to us and we are so sad you now leave" I honestly felt a lump in my throat.

This family were different but actually the same as most of this country, they were kind, hard working lovely people, they were simply trying to do the best for their family and we as a nation gave them some hope and an opportunity and I learnt something new and it was as exciting as the arrow on the petrol gauge and the music that now pumps through my car speakers!

I believe this country is seriously pissed off about immigration, but I want a party open to inclusion not exclusion, I want a party brave enough to stand up and put up some boundaries not borders and walls and high fences, I certainly do not ever want a party prepared to stand in front of any camera possible and slap the many amazing cultures who live in and put into this country in the face. Its simply wrong, unacceptable and a sad day for a "United" Kingdom. We should actually feel proud that so many want to be part of our life here, not ashamed of it, a great cake is made up of many different ingredients, if it was made with the same old stuff it would be bland, tasteless and nobody would want to try it or be part of the making of it!

Try something new, try talking, listening and understanding, I did and I learnt just because someone comes from a place different to I and speaks different to I acts differently to I and does things differently to I does not EVER make them less than I.

That is the party political broadcast on behalf of the "Roycey" party to about 200 hundred of you, really, I need to get back to work or bake a cake full of so many ingredients we all get a real buzz out of it!

Thanks for reading

Roycey.









Thursday, 15 May 2014

"I Can!"


“I Can’t” is only one letter off “I Can!” and over the last seven days I proved that point and not to anyone else other than myself.

To make an impromptu “I Can” and then to grab a bike, a ruck sack and a map and cycle from Edinburgh to London is, reading it now and looking back, somewhat insane and slightly radical but it was not unachievable and defiantly not out of the realms of possibility and it is was, without question, one of the greatest things I have ever done in my life.

I learnt so much about myself, I learnt that when someone puts their mind to something anything, really anything is possible.

I have watched over the years huge stars take on massive challenges, David Walliams swimming the Thames and Chanel, John Bishop running rowing and cycling and a lady who truly inspires me, Davina, look like we may never see her again as she exited Lake Windermere, I now, as a result of doing something for myself, have a better understanding of what they went through, which looking at it, was a far greater challenge than I took on.

My point here is you do not have to be a star, you do not have to be a celebrity, you do not have to be in the public eye to be someone or do something out of the box, I am not and I just did. The beauty of twitter and Facebook is you can lead from the front with only a handful of followers or FB friends and prove that you can do something that others think you will never do or complete, you can start the ball rolling of change and maybe, just maybe, get others doing a similar thing. Stephen proved this point and got my ball rolling!

I shall be forever grateful to Stephen, a young man facing the greatest fear of all, faced it head on and refused to be defined by it and that in my book is nothing less than a hero. I had never met him or spoken to him but I found myself being inspired to do something as a result of his message and that suddenly made Twitter and Facebook a good thing. My only regret is I never got the opportunity to thank him for inspiring me although I thank him now in my quiet time.

I hear so often on TV, radio and social media people moaning and complaining, constantly asking what others can do for them, how others are messing with their lives, how others don’t understand, I hear people abuse others from a place of jealousy and attack those who are making a difference and that is so sad. I have been guilty of this, we all have, we are human, but I learnt over the past seven days, it is I who can only take responsibility for self. I urge you to try doing something for yourself by yourself and I categorically promise you the results are life changing. We live in such an “I want” society, trying turning it around and asking “What can I give” Stop for just a second and ask what can I put back in rather than take back out!

I hit some really low points on my ride, too many too mention, but it was at these points that I found an inner strength and determination to win my day, it was then as I faced failure and defeat that I found a resolve to fight to go forward, it was then I began to grow, it was then I found parts of me I did not know existed and it was then I found a new Ian, a new way and a new part of life I knew not existed and a new inner strength.

I was alone, scared, exhausted and often deflated, I cried, laughed, grunted, groaned, sang, whistled and loathred the wind and the rain but as I reached the end point at the conclusion of the day I felt a huge elation and an overwhelming sense of achievement and I got to share it with me, just me and that was the greatest feeling ever. I did something for me and during that process I got to freely give back to another, it was the perfect week.

Lead not follow, step out of the box, stand up and be counted and try something new, different and exciting! Be positive and never doubt yourself, there are plenty of people who will do that for you, prove them wrong, prove yourself wrong and go make a difference to you and most importantly someone else.

As Rhianna says “Shine bright like a diamond” grow from within and stare at yourself in the mirror and say “I Can” then push out your chest, smile big and shout from the top of your voice “I just did!”

Roycey.
 
RIP Stephen Sutton.