Thursday, 18 July 2013

Where you "Wheelie" bin!

Do not ask!!!!

First week of the X Factor live auditions (The arenas were replaced by the old fashioned audition room, which now, having seen the talent coming through, is a stroke of genius!)


Honestly, Wednesday's show was the best day of "talent" I have seen in 10 years!


Talking of genius this new judging panel is utterly brilliant, not that it wasn't before it’s just been taken in a very different direction, and it's inspired!


Sharon or "Mum to a nation" is simply brilliant. I admire that she doesn't give a toss what people think of her, she is what she is and proud of who she is, how refreshing and how exhilarating it must be not give two hoots what everybody thinks of you, take that and add a very caring, gentle, thoughtful person, and you can easily see why she is loved across both sides of the pond and the very unique beautiful Mrs O. Get ready Britain to once again fall in love with our Sharon.


Gary has simply gone to another level! , By day one he had gone "lip to lip" with me, smashed stuff, thrown water over a contestant and given out more Barlow hugs than humanly possible, those who have ever called Gary "boring" simply do not know him or have never spent a second in his company - get ready to see "The Captain" on fire! 


Louis is an all new Louis, he has been 

re -styled by a lovely lady called Caroline Mactaggart who has brought a whole new, bright, vibrant exciting look to Louis and (not sure if this has anything to do with it) but his clothes are matching his energy, the chemistry between him and Sharon is something everyone watching this year will become addicted too!


Nicole is breathtakingly stunning and just the perfect addition to the "Famous Four"  talented, funny, kind and an extremely generous caring performer, who selflessly allowed me to look funny on more than one occasion - God love her.


I guess what I'm trying to say is, get ready for a reinvention of the greatest show on earth, (Next to Simon and BGT) which I have no doubt in my mind will be our greatest yet!


Right now to far more pressing matters!


I pay £250 a month to my council, that's a lot of money in anyone's book, let’s face it, you could fly to bloody Spain and have a week’s holiday for that! In return for this cut price holiday, everyday a maid would kindly empty your bin in your hotel bathroom and not discard anything she felt a hazard to the environment!


A few weeks ago my daughter decided she no longer wanted the bark under her swing which protected her from any trapeze like fall. I was very proud that she removed all the bark into black bin liners, a job I would struggle with!


Rox requested one morning that I remove the bags from the back of my garden to the front of my house before skipping off to the school gates, a Job I had to do, why? Because the apple of my eye had asked and if she had gone to so much effort to remove it, the least I could do was finish off the job and play my part.


Move the bags I did and there was a lot, in fact as I moved them it was more like a "Britain’s strongest man" event, you know when Geoff Capes used to move a beer barrel from one end of a car park to the other!


On the following Monday I realised I wasn't going to be able to fit all the bags in my brown wheelie bins so I left a nice note for my lovely bin men (although I am sure in this day and age it should be "Bin people") asking if they would be kind enough to take the extra bags left not inside the bin but nearly to the side.


They took the note but left the bins, I can only presume this was a health and safety issue with "Lifting" and god forbid for a small part of £250 someone has to bend over and pick something up!Honestly it was no real drama, they would fit in next week and they were only sticking to the mad rules that I have no doubt some over paid jobs worth had written in a memo to the bin depot!


Beautifully and as if by magic the bags, full of bark, fitted in the bins the following week and I was proud of my patiencesurrounding "Barkgate" and I left for X Factor happy in the knowledge everything was right with the world of all things "Barky" and "Wheelie"


My wife then called whilst I entertained the masses at Wembley to inform me the brilliant "Bin people" had removed two black bark filled bags from the wheelie bins, left them on my drive and then proceeded to empty (in the correct manner) the bins! This was an odd call while standing to the side of a stage that made dreams come true, a desk with four superstars and 4000 amazing audience members who, for done unbeknown reason found me funny, but take the call I did and for fleeting moment forgot about the dreams of a few and focused on two bark filled black bags!


I am happy to report the world has gone friggin mad! Mysynopsis could only be two things!


1. The Bins were too heavy to lift to place in the dustcart (but not too heavy to remove from the bins!)


2. "Tree bark" is now not an "acceptable item" to place in a bin or black bin bag and must be placed in the see through easilyripable, only collected fortnightly, "Garden refuge" bags.



So my lovely "Bin people" don't you worry yourself about "Barkgate" you gave me an opportunity to smile and forget about the bloody trampoline that now may need to replace the Swing!


Another jaw dropping moment of madness came following Rox wining a "Photographic" session in one of the studios, you know the type of shop I mean, the one that always displays the perfect family dressed in linen and the kid with a robin in its head - perfect!


Rox won a £60 family photograph session, now you may love these types of pictures but they are just not for me so my amazing kid came up with the most amazing idea of getting three of her closest friends to have an end of year class pic.


Mrs R called the studio to book the date in and when asked who the picture would be of she explained the above. The owner of said photographic studio explained that it was cost £90 to do friends as they were not "Family"


I understand Mrs R went to great length to try and make sense of the most ridiculous policy she has ever heard of but no, this was the policy and this was the rule!


I'm still trying to get my head round the most outlandish, pathetic, mind blowing bit of company policy I have ever heard of, but I guess it's the persons company to do with what they so wish, so who am I to pass judgment? Oh, I'm just the dad who told her daughter she can have a picture, but defiantly not with her friends! 

Hope you're enjoying the weather, stay hydrated and water that Garden - you know the hose pipe ban is only a hairs breath away! 




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