So a general election has been called, like we need any more drama, bloody hell I thought I was dramatic! This is beyond epic! So, fuck it, I may as well run for PM (If only this was a thing!) If Hugh Grant can, anything is possible!
Here follows my 50 point plan, mandate and to follow, my cabinet.
1. Crocs on men is now an illegal offence as is wearing shoes with tracksuit bottoms, football shirts on holiday and call centre workers who can't speak English. This with immediate effect.
2. The Downing street cat is to be given a collar with real diamonds.
3. You can turn left on a red light.
4. Ant and Dec are never allowed to do anything alone. This shall be written into law.
5. If you have served your country at war you'll never be homeless. Pay for public transport or pay for a pint. (Just one though, tmes are hard!) You'll also be given any upgrade on a flight when possible. I did a trip to Tedworth house for H4H. If you did you'd understand the last point.
6. Billy Connelly will be knighted within an hour of me becoming PM.
7. The Q'ing system in any store with barriers and ropes will be abolished. We are British,we are the king's and Queens of Q'ing we don't need barriers and ropes!
8. Self service payment machines abolished. It's nice to have a real conversation rather than an unexpected item in a bagging area!
9. Commit a life sentence. A life of hard labour. Not a lovely prison cell with purks. You lost your human rights when you took another's.
10. Emergency services staff will all be on equal pay and to the highest level.
11. It's illegal to pay a man more money than a woman in the same job. This includes sport. And all trophys to be the same size. Bloody men always needed in to make it seem bigger!
12. Any postman/woman who is still wearing their shorts in the winter months to be given a special kinda medal. Danny Boyle to design it!
13. It's still not unlucky!
14. Every employer to give its staff two duvet days a year for when you just can't be arsed. This on top of holidays and payed.
15. Death tax and stamp duty. Scrapped.
16. Marine A released with full reinstatement of his Royal marine uniform. Medals and honour. Awarded another medal.
17. Not everyone has to wear a high visibility vest just because someone said you had too!
18. Heath and safety to be re-named "Common sense!"
19. You can't buy a pet until you've had a rescue one first!
20. Blackpool to be made into a UK Vegas. With rock!
21. My lucky number on a roulette table. It will be the new number of "Number 10"
22. You can park on a single yellow line.
23. Nobody will ever have to pay to go to the toilet.
24. "Davina McCall hugging day" will actually become a national hugging day and in her name. This will happen in the house of commons and Lords on said date. It will not be debated.
25. Sheridan Smith will have to pop into "Number 21" with her woofs at least once a week for a rave up.
26. The only staff employed at "Number 21" and junior government positions will come from The princess trust. Mind. Help for hero's. NSPCC survivors. Anti bullying pro. AA and NA.
27. Every company and employer of over 10 people has to employ a homeless person. By law. See above in addition.
28. A bank holiday named "Diana day"
29. It is at the time illegal to wash your car on the street. I'm going to abolish this. I'm going to make Britain "Great again!"
30. Fall asleep in the house of Lords! Fired immediately and stripped of all title.
31. Fire everyone working on the tube. Reinstate within 5 minutes with new "No strike" contract. We will survive. They earn more than a nurse for pulling a handle up and down. This within 48 hours of my victory.
32. PMQ'S once a year to be held in pyjamas! Once a year in shorts and once a year by the kids of elected members or relatives of said elected members under the age of 16. They know best! They will teach us much.
33. Every person earning over £1m a year or worth more than £1m, by law will have to give a talk to a school they went too.
34. If you ride a bike in London you will need to pay a tax. After all, the whole of London just built you massive cycle lanes bringing the traffic to a standstill and even the busses. Utter madness. Everyone pays there fair way.
35. We will have a bank holiday Wednesday. See 28. Change the rules!
36. The Isle Of White is never allowed to leave us. It has cows!
37. My PM car will go to a "Drive through car wash" thing once a week and I'll be happy to say "Yes, inside and out!"
38. I will limit the amount of "Nail bar" things in every town. You only need a couple. I'll consider hairdressers too. It's ridiculous!
39. Every series of a TV show will have a "Make up free week" Airbrushing is banned and let's inspire our future generation to be OK with themselves as themselves. With immediate effect.
40. Boris Johnson. Donald Trump and that North Korean bloke to be sent to Phil Smith the hairdresser immediately. Peace and honesty is always found at the hairdressers.
41. Harry Rednapp appointed England manager at the next vacancy.
42. Everytime I go on camera it will be a Simon Cowell lead production. And with pyros, a red carpet and carrots, green tea and a buzzer!
43. WIFI will be free everywhere and you won't have to give your e mail address , to then receive a million e mails. The same will apply when you buy something. It's bloody madness!
44. Nobody will be homeless. Nobody needs to be!
45. Carry a knife or gun in a public place. 20 years in prison. You carry with intent.
46. Reduce the price of garden furniture!
47. Build a new runway at Heathrow, Gatwick, Luton, Birmingham, Liverpool, Glasgow and City, no wait, not city, we have to stop filming The XF every five minutes because of the noise! I honestly don't know what the issue is? I have a knock on the door everyday asking if my driveway needs a re tarmac. I'll get his name next time and make us "Great again!"
48. The "hear hear hear" chant in the house of commons to be replaced by a football chant. It's boring.
49. Have I been elected yet?
50. I shall be sent to an English grammar course within an hour to learn where a comma goes. I won't listen and probably think, fuck it, let's do number 37!
Minister of food. Gino. He is required to turn up to all minister meeting naked with apron, at the request of the minister for fun - Sheridan Smith.
Minister of crime - Mark Williams Thomas! Sue Hill to be his deputy when he's off to watch rugby!
Minister of international stuff - Boris. See mandate 40!
Minister of football - Gary Lineker. Obviously.
Minister of entertainment - I'm going to open an app and let the nation decide! Live on prime time TV. This will also save the NHS by way of advertising. I'll do this a lot!
Deputy PM - My daughter. She speaks sense to me!
Minister for the environment - The bloke in a high visibility jacket at my local tip. Man's a ninja!
Minister of health - The body coach one week. The juice master the next! All must be conducted with a Davina video.
Minister of mental health? Not an area I'd be good at picking but I'm going with a certain Mrs Berger and her nanna. A scouse legend and fighter! Stephen Fry when she's on holiday.
Minister of transport - Clarkson
Minister of housing - The MD who paid me shit loads to do a corporate gig last year for his housing company!
Minister of looking after the table before minister meetings and making it look fab -Kelly Hoppen
Minister of looking after the cat - Emma Jones.
Minister of firing people asleep in the house of Lords? - Lord Sugar. Unless he's asleep then this has gone to shit. I'll just call a general election!
Minister of tarmac for runways - That bloke who knocks on my door twice a week about the recent tarmac of my drive.
Minister of showbiz - Sir Bruce....No wait ..law states no "Child stars!" So appointed to Paul O'Grady.
Minister of music. See below!
Minister of all ministers - Simon Cowell, obviously!
Minister to tell all minsters everything - See above.
Minister of promotion and publicity - Piers Morgan.
Minister of food. Stig Atwell daughter.
Minister to lead us out of the "Health and saftey" nightmare To "Simply common sense" - Jane Moore.
Have a great day you lot.
All my love,
We will put the great back in Britain and a comma where ever I feel like it!
We got this.
June 8th for us all. June 9th for UKIP - You get a special day to vote. ...Let me make that a mandate!