Tuesday, 19 July 2011

Clear the airport I'm eating a Brazil Nut!

Summer is truly with us, I left for a trip to the parents with jumper, coat, scarf and a gusting wind blowing like a tornado through my humble town, their will be someone somewhere who will say "Don't forget you factor 50, the wind can burn you!" These people are the same people who spend thousands on a summer holiday to the sunshine and sit under an umbrella for 2 weeks! I just don't get it!

Some notes.......

Dear Hotel Designer, Please put a bloody plug socket next to the bed!

Dear Chinese Restaurants, I need more pancakes with my crispy duck!

Dear Window Cleaner: I have no idea when you are going to turn up, so when you say once every 4 weeks, mean it, I cannot work around you!

Dear British Gas: I have never sat indoors between 8-6 and I am not going to do it for you!

Dear Doctor: Tell your receptionist she is not qualified to diagnose my problem!

Dear Sky TV: I have no idea what your call centre team are saying in some far away country!

Dear Petrol Station Man: I do not want any half price out of date, foreign, liquor filled chocolate, I just want to pay for my petrol.

Dear Builder: If you need the sign, what chance do I really have?

Dear Salisbury's checkout girl: I just want to pay, stop asking if I have a Nectar card, I do not want any bloody school vouchers,  If I want cash back I'll ask for it, I do not want to buy a poxy green bag, (it is not cool), I do not need a packer,(I managed to walk round the store pushing a trolley, I can manage to pack) and please stop saying "Enter your P.I.N. number, I know I have to enter my P.I.N number, I have, believe it or not, done this before!  I just want you to take my money and leave!

Dear Postman: "Do Not Bend" is not an instruction for you!

Dear Lollipop lady: You are not made of steel, stop just walking out in the road thinking your stupid "Lollipop" will save your life!

Dear Norton Anti Virus: You made my computer so bloody slow it would be impossible for it to get a virus as it cannot connect to anything in under 5 minutes, you are duly un-installed

Dear Police Officer: "Good morning Lewis Hamilton" is not a good way to start our conversation!

Dear Dog Owner: Please think about choosing your dogs name carefully, shouting "IN IT" across the park to your Staff" with your baseball cap on sideways gives me way too much material!

Dear Brewery: Are you really sure!

Dear Pigeons: Where do your babies hide? I have never seen a baby pigeon!

Dear B&Q: You really do not need 42 disabled parking spaces (I counted them)

Dear ITV News at 10: Turn the lights down, everyone looks anemic in the studio! (Maybe this is just my TV, but everyone on the BBC news looks tanned and toned!)

Dear BA: People over 5"7" do fly economy, stop testing your leg room using bloody midgets!

I got stopped at a celebrity event and asked for a picture, (I was a little shocked and wondered who this girl thought I actually was?)
I duly took my position next to this kind girl as she gave her camera to her friend to take the picture, then as I put my arm around her and smiled, she pulled away, grabbed the camera off her friend and shouted "Quick, over their it's Him" leaving me stood like a complete twat, i did however find the funny side and it is a good lesson in life!

Just a thought but why suddenly has everyone got a bloody nut allergy, 20 years a go we had never heard of it, no one had it and you could freely tuck into a Brazil nut without the fear of people chocking and passing out around you!

I was invited to Tulisa's (Ndubz) birthday party in London at the weekend, how I would have loved to have gone, but I really have to remember I am 42 and she is in her twenties, it would be like having the embarrassing Uncle turn up! I saved Tulisa and her wonderful PA Gareth and her 100's of guests the blushes of me swinging my 80's arse on the dance floor while miming the words to a song i do not know the title of, while doing the actions to the lyrics, wrong I know!

Planking: I was to find out this week that Planking is out and "Owling" is in, HELLO, is it really normal to plank (Lay down in odd places and get your picture taken) some people need a job!
I was asked if I had ever "Planked" on an aeroplane, of course, its called "First Class!"
Owling is the new planking however, it's a similar task carried out by squatting like an owl in odd places and again having your picture taken! (Try a French public toilet!)

I like Piers Morgan, in fact I really like Piers Morgan, their I have admitted it in public!

When Piers first came to BGT I was, if I am honest, pretty cruel to him, this was born out of jealously if I am true to myself!

"Not going too well is it Roycey"
Right their and then was payback time, I laughed as you can only do when you are in that position and called us even!

Piers Morgan"s life stories returns later in the year, which is one of my favorite shows to work on.

I had the joy of a long chat with Bruno from "Strictly Come Dancing Fame" (I could not spell his last name!) at the weekend at a lovely BBQ, what a nice bloke and very funny, I seriously need a "Bruno" tan!

I love twitter, (No surprise their then!) and being the number one name used,above Lady GAGA, sent my ego out of control!

It didn't last long (My ego that is) I have a family who brings me back down to earth very quickly!

I see on twitter 3 lovely followers (@Heatherhrrr  @roycey_rules and @Frwaaaann) have started a "Get Roycey On TV" petition, I was seriously touched by this gesture and even more excited the petition now has 75 likes! No business like show business!

Anyway enough for now, time for some traditional fish and chips eaten out of a newspaper! I am sure I have one lying around!!!


  1. Have you noticed on packets of nuts where they put CAUTION: MAY CONTAIN NUTS. I mean...seriously, do they really need to?!

  2. Marc Owen Banks19 July 2011 at 15:24

    Dear Pigeons!!! I actually laughed out loud at that point, although i have to consider these days if I actually LOL'ed instead. Certainly didn't LOL in the eighties, didnt blog either for that matter. Confused.com. There was no .com. Perhaps that's why there was no OCD or nut allergies, it wasnt until we discovered .com that we could search and read all about it.

    Still we also have to think there was no BGT or Xfactor in the 80's either. Just Haven and Warner late night spots or roll necks under various coloured wool jackets Although the latter still seems to work for Steve Kingsley in the 21st century!!!

    Keep up the good work mate, the traffic you have generated in the last few weeks on here, twitter and facebook is quite phenomenal and The People have kindly played thier part too, the luvs..

    Play up Pompey!

  3. Bloody Love it!! Pigeon is a Classic x


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