Saturday, 16 July 2011

Wrong Train!

So I have decided to begin writing a blog, as if your not pissed off enough with my twitter filling up your time line!

I have just informed my wife of my new found interest, eyebrows raised!

You need to know a few things before this begins: Firstly I got a "D" in English comprehension, get used to it, spell check is still trying to understand me, I am not a journalist, so don not be expecting loads of inside information on the shows I work on, or indeed any exclusives! Lastly this is my opinion, my thoughts, my take on life, not anyone else's!

A visit to town got me thinking about starting one of these due to the outstanding effort which is now required for a simple "I'm just popping out for some milk!" 

It all started at the Post Office, which the council, in their infinite wisdom has now removed the "free" parking spaces outside and replaced it with a "Loading/Unloading Bay"  I don't want to push the point here, but surly delivering a small padded envelope is the same as delivering a large pallet of wood, an unload is an unload which ever way you look at it right?

WRONG, I have a £60 ticket to prove otherwise!

Walking into my local post office is like checking in to an Easy Jet flight without the happy ending!! We now have a quiet outstanding barrier system, with people "tutting" and "sighing loudly" in the Q, Being very British we love a "Q" I often wonder if I stood in a high street with a sign saying "Q here" how many dumb arse's would actually form a lovely line! The barrier system winds itself round in a poetic manner, and I decided to observe the use of this "safety" system once the Q had gone, people are bloody mad, when the post office was empty, rather than walking straight to the window, we actually feel the need to use the barrier system, walking up and down then  stand like a prostitute waiting for business for the "Please go to window 4" mental!

The Journey to the X Factor Manchester for me was painful, words you never want to hear on the 0825 to Manchester Piccadilly are "Welcome to the 0825 Virgin express train to Glasgow" I was like a chicken with 2 heads, running up and down the train trying to find the "Train Manager" (not sure whatever happened to the guard!) as we pulled out of Euston.
I was powerless and in a state of pure panic and went to make the "I am so sorry call" to our line producer, when the miracle of Virgin fell on the head of Ian Royce! "Ladies and gentleman, Virgin would like to apologise that we are making an unscheduled stop at Warrington to load the buffet car" it should have continued "Which has been drunk dry by a 6ft comedian screaming I don't bloody want to go to Scotland!"

I received a great tweet from @ismellicecream this week, I think I should purchase this great phone cover:

On the subject of the News Of The World, I was happy to receive my commemorative copy along with my last 2 years itemised phone bills. RIP

I have been tweeted hundreds of times asking "When are you going to get your own TV show" and felt a tad big headed when "GetroyceyonTV" started trending on Twitter, this is a question I have asked myself many times, sadly I have nothing to do with this outcome, I can simply keep doing what i am doing and hope that after 20 years of comedy, someone, somewhere takes a leap of faith!

Liverpool X Factor rocked, it was our last destination on the audition tour, and Liverpool did not let us down, they were the loudest crowd, measured by a sound bloke on his machine! (Their is a far more technical terminology, but honestly, couldn't be bothered to spell it!)

A certain powerful person in TV was also seen traveling standard class on the virgin train home, still I made his journey a little more comfortable by getting a "First Class" head rest cover and placing it on his standard class seat!

The X Factor tour has been amazing, I was slightly nervous about meeting the new judges and how they would take to my style of comedy, it is safe to say they got used to me very quickly and were humble and giving to the end.
Gary Barlow and I share a very similar sense of humour, we had many a private joke, which, sadly for you, will remain private!
Kelly is simply stunning, and in another life I have no doubt she would have fallen for me, she is after all only human!
Tulisa is hysterical and has an amazingly quick sense of humor, she outdid me on the comedy comebacks on more than one occasion, respect!
Louis is simply brilliant, he has even started to drink "Red Bull" during the shows.

I did not win the lottery, when it had not be claimed I was convinced it was my ticket in my pocket that had won, how wrong I was!
I loved the coverage of the new multi millionaires, could not have gone to 2 more deserving people, who announced they will not be moving and not changing their car, need I say more!

Time now to enjoy the British summer, it's pissing down, cold and windy but I will NOT be defeated, shorts on, flip-flops flopping and hair flowing in the wind! (I know 2 out of three is not bad!)


  1. This is going to be a Hilarious blog Roycey. Keep it up I think ur awesome xxx

  2. Brilliant! Hope you keep this up ... you're a legend xx

  3. Hi. Thanks for commenting on my blog post, I was quite pleasantly surprised that you even found it.

    I'm liking your blog too. That phone cover is funny! Like I said before, you're an awesome comedian! :)

  4. Please say that if your blog really takes off you're going to make it into a book. Bestseller for sure :)


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