Thursday, 11 August 2011

And Lunge!

When our country turns into a war zone, when our politicians have to fly back from a holiday, when riot police are seen engaging in running battles on the streets of our fine cities there really is only one thing you can do - go get a spray tan!

My wife announced that she was off for her pre-holiday spray tan. Not one to be left out I decided this should also be open to the man of the house - so an appointment was duly made for some "Man Tan!"

The salon called and told me I should "de-scale" prior to my visit. Do what? First stop was John Lewis where I purchased some soap with stones in and "de- scaled ". Jesus this hurts. I felt like I was being pebble dashed.

Preparing for my spray tan was pretty easy. A full moisturise, which sent my wife into a melt down as I used her "special" moisturiser to carry out this task - how I was I suppose to know I had just covered my whole body in "Clinique tighter Eye"? It felt like my whole body was shrinking!

Arrival at the salon and I was ready to be "browned" by a bloody gun! I seriously thought this was to be applied by hand!

I was given what can only be described as a white paper tissue to cover my man bits - now, because they do not have many men, they were female knickers. It took me 20 minutes to make sure everything was tucked in nicely!

I stood ready to take it like a man and off we went. It is truly the most bizarre feeling in the world and to be honest rather pleasant. I was enjoying the chilled spray hitting my naked skin when words of dread filled my ears "could you lunge?" "What?" "Put your left arm in the air, your right leg forward and lunge". This was a disaster. The "female tissue" was not built for lunging! So I just poked my leg out a tad and she worked around me - she was way more embarrassed than me!

On completion I looked in the mirror - I was shocked! I truly looked like I had just arrived back from a 4 month holiday in Thailand. I was for the very first time browner than Dale Winton!

Coming home I was not allowed to touch anything. Going to bed I lay myself down with precision so as to not smudge or streak and lay staring in the air like a plank!

I so wanted to do a before and after picture but I have a horrible feeling those pictures would come back and haunt me one day!

A lot of effort but, to be honest, it is quiet a nice look and I have been asked a couple of times "Where have you been on holiday?" . My reply - " Horsham!"

I have no words for the riots. I think it has all been said but a huge respect to our emergency services with a picture that sums up the dedication and bravery of them all:

Summer holidays brought my daughter's first experience with a horse! Yes riding camp or, as I referred to it, "spending" camp! Fully fitted and looking like something from the Olympic dressage team we arrived at the most beautiful stables for a week long riding course. We checked in and she then met her horse for the first time and what a blast "Fudge" was going to be!

I know what you are thinking,  "Jeremy Kyle show"?

My wife went to work today and I was "left in charge" of my daughter's visit to the hairdressers. This comes with huge responsibility and something I did not take lightly especially when my daughter announced with her long hair blowing in the August wind "Dad I am going to get my hair cut short, lets surprise mum". It may be worth mentioning at this point that my instructions were very clear from my wife with the length of the "cut" and the "style" required. "Just a trim and a tidy up". I can handle this, I mean she is my daughter, she has a mind and it is after all her hair, right?

So we went from this:
To this:

Really what's the big deal?

I opened my local weekly paper today and was shocked by the story of "Flipper" the rabbit.

Flipper was found in a hedge with two broken legs, stained, battered, weak and left for dead by some horrible human being who I cannot even begin to explain how much I would like to meet in a dark alley!
Flipper was rescued after a passer by heard it crying and took it to the local animal centre where every effort is being taken to save Flipper's life and hopefully, following surgery, find a new loving home. Fancy adding him to your family or donating towards his surgery? 02086698877 I sacrificed a treat for me to help Flipper, please do the same.

I will leave you with the thought that our country is a year away from holding the Olympic games - we have never been so ready!

Note: Married man looking for one bedroom flat following hair disaster!


  1. Don't worry, hair grows!

  2. Cool Blog Ian! Hope you're well buddy!

  3. Come on Roycey we need another blog!!! Keep up the good work!


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