I got up early this morning as I needed to move the car from a "restricted" zone. That in itself is enough to drive a man to sobriety! It's early, it's a Sunday and this really is the last thing I need.
So out I popped in my dressing gown and moved my car the 100yds to an "unrestricted" zone. Typically my neighbour was out, so we had a nice chat about gardens, weather and the building work at number 46! On returning to the house I realized I was wearing my wife's dressing gown - that is not so much of a disaster, but I am 6'5" she is 5'5" and this is a dressing gown I bought her with "Princess" written in big bold pink letters on the back. This was without doubt an "epic" fail!
I am now back from my amazing holiday - 6 days in a stunning villa in the Spanish mountain village of Mijas with my family. Sadly for my wife, daughter, niece, cousins and "Nanny" the villa had a wireless internet connection. However, I did restrain from twitter, a bit. I didn't want to get my Ipad wet in the pool!
It is obvious that the Spanish restaurants are also struggling in the recession, so much so that they are going all out to bring the customers in - but Christmas lunch in the 90 degree heat of August? Please!
Thank god for wireless. Lying by the pool sipping a lovely ice cold, ice filled Fanta Lemon the e-mail ping sounded on my best friend. Staring at me was the name "Gary Barlow". He invited me to go to Arsenal to watch our beloved Liverpool FC play. I get excited about a lot of things but this was catatonic excitement of an epic proportion - I don't think I have ever replied to an e-mail so quickly!
I then spent the next 3 days talking about nothing else, trust me Mrs Roycey was mighty pissed off and at one point suggested I went on holiday with gary next year....... A thought!
I flew back from Spain courtesy of Easy Jet and the quite brilliant "Speedy Boarding Plus". Being first on the plane and getting a great seat is worth every penny of the £40! I was settled for a fantastic leg stretched flight. After about 40 minutes I noticed a heavily pregnant lady entering the plane with a bag that was way too big for the over head compartment and everyone around me noticed her as well. As she was having a small row with her partner about duty free, I noticed her heavily pregnant state and I took the bull by the horn and asked, "Would you and your bump like my seat?" pointing at the obvious imminent arrival of her child. I could feel the eyes around me, the fellow passengers thinking "what an amazing bloke". I turned and gave my now adoring public a little smile with a glint in my eye which said "I know, I'm a good bloke!". Then came her loud Essex reply "I'm not fucking pregnant you cheeky twat"! I have never in my life wanted to be somewhere else so quickly. I could feel the whole plane staring right through me. My reply came so quickly "Oh, sorry, you look like you are". Oh Jesus, this was getting worse by the minute. I sat down quickly and she toddled off down the aisle. Her partner looked at me, smiled and said "Can you imagine anyone wanting to get her pregnant?" I have every faith and belief that they will pop up on Jeremy Kyle in the not too distant future. I have never got off a plane so quickly on arrival at Gatwick. In future I need to keep my mouth shut and my speedy boarding to myself!
I was whisked straight off to The X Factor boot camp at Wembley Arena - the very same venue that will be used for this years X Factor final. It is going to be nothing less than the biggest live TV extravaganza witnessed. I am so excited about being part of it!
Sporting a tan that was one shade off orange I arrived at Wembley. Tulisa had new teeth, Gary was looking as fit as ever, Kelly had a new album out, Louis was earning commission from a £1 million pound deal from Jedwood in the CBB house. Dermot was looking very relaxed and as fit a s a fiddle, Olly was ready for his new single to come out, Caroline was in a cheeky mood and looking as beautiful as ever and all I could offer by way of excitement was a new found love for a donkey I met in Spain. My spirits were soon lifted by an amazing fan-base building around me: welcome to the hundreds of "Team Roycey" friends who are joining me on my journey in show business!
Arriving at the Emirates stadium to watch Arsenal take on Liverpool as a guest of GB was like being 14 again. I was like an excitable child! So many things happened in the day, so many highlights: eating fantastic food; meeting the great chef Raymond Blanc; sitting with the directors of Liverpool and Arsenal; celebrating 2 goals (quietly) with Gary; standing having a chat with King Kenny; walking down the tunnel. But what topped the day for me was when a waiter looked at Gary, pushed past him and looked me straight in the eye with great excitement and said "Oh my god, you"re the guy off X Factor" You couldn't write it!
X Factor aired for the first time under the banner of "The Next Generation" and it was nothing less than an awesome success. It truly was one of the best season openers I have ever watched and I am really excited about this season - which I guarantee will be an enormous success!
Hundreds of you are asking "will the show miss Simon?". On screen maybe, but do not think for one minute that Simon has forgotten about the UK XF. He is, I can assure you, still the executive producer and a very hands on one at that. Never let us forget, this is and will remain his baby, wherever he is in the world!
I received 1000's of tweets asking "Why are you not on the show?", "Get on The Xtra Factor" and the best one - "I've just seen your bald patch!"
Guys my time will come, I have every faith. It's just a matter of it being the right thing. I don't want to and have no interest in being a celebrity for the sake of being a celebrity, we have way too many of them, (CBB). If it's going to happen then I want it to be for my talent - I have waited 22 years, a little longer is not going to kill me! I am ready for it in all areas of my life and when it comes I intend to grab it with both hands and take it to a level only I know is possible. I have spent years watching the very best in the business, I am armed and ready, it simply takes someone to take a small leap of faith, for which I promise they will not regret!
To the 16,208 followers on twitter, I promise I will one day enter your lounge, it just may be on a channel that could take you a while to find!
Busy week this week which I will, as ever, tell you all about!