2+2

Waiting at the train station the other day for my train home after Loose Women I was shocked at the near standing jump I had to make to even get on the bloody train! This for me gave a whole new meaning to the announcement "Mind the gap"

I have never seen the banana below growing on a tree. My only "Banana tree" experience was in Tenerife when I was about 11 and, if I remember correctly, most "normal" bananas are the size of the hand not the size of your inside leg! God only knows what has been used to increase the size of this daddy but whatever it is, I want some!

So the Britain's Got Talent audition tour has started and finished and the return of Simon Cowell to our TV has begun. We welcomed our new judges David Walliams and Alisha Dixon to the panel and they turned out to be great choices, David especially, who was on fire when it came to Simon. You will have to wait and watch to see the mischief David gets up to, its worth a watch!

This has been my BGT view for the past 6 weeks:

And the man who encourages me, supports me and gives me a lot of my comedy material is my BGT sidekick and brilliant floor manager Alan Conley.

If you are wondering if Britain actually has any talent this picture speaks a thousand words! (there is a man inside the bag!)

I was so happy to be warming up the National Television Awards recently. It was a huge night at the 02 London Arena with every major star and TV exec in attendance. It was the perfect showcase for me and a great opportunity to show off to the world of entertainment what I do and how I do it - sadly everything didn't quiet go to my plan!

I told the ten thousand strong audiance that we were coming back to Little Mix. Marc Backer called the countdown from 5-1 and we went live -  then with more dry ice than I have ever seen in my life I walked off towards the side of stage. Sadly for me I didn't get my directions completely right and through the mass of dry ice I fell 6 feet into the speaker pit in a style that can only be described as epic! Some moments later my head appeared above the dry ice to the sound of Little Mix singing. I stared out to the red carpeted VIP area (which had more stars on it than I have ever seen before)  to see a number of well known high profile people pissing themselves at my obvious embarrassment!

I am not sure where I stand on the neighbour deciding to hang this from his window?

One half of me says "great, nothing like living opposite and having to stare at a England flag hanging from a window", the other half of me says "well its his house, his window, his life who the fuck am I to start spouting off my middle class ideas and expectations?"

I always wanted to buy a really shit car for a couple of hundred quid and then park it anywhere and do anything with it without ever worrying about clamping, it seems someone has beaten me to it!

Is it just me or have we gone cupcake mad? It seems everyone is now making bloody cupcakes! I ate my first posh cupcake on The X Factor three years a go and they came from the Beverly Hills Cup Cake Company. It now seems that if you have an oven it's time to produce cupcakes and claim to be the  leading supplier of cupcakes to the world of celebrity! Nothing like jumping on the bandwagon!

As a kid I committed the offence of graffiti once. I wrote my name on a tree and still to this day it stands in the woods of Bramshott. However this is taking tree carvings to a whole new level!

I have just ordered this for my house, should put a couple of quid on the sale price?

Animals pray, they do, its been photographed!

Thank you to @rufushound and his followers for posting some brilliant pictures for me to nick for this blog. I cannot claim the glory for some of them used!

Can you actually belive I start The X Factor next week? I know its unbelievable it only seems like it ended last week! Who I wonder will I be doing it with this year?

I have an official Facebook page now, please go and like and watch out for lots happening through it. You can find it here: Click on this for my "Roycey" page

I also now have a Youtube channel: Click here for my Youtube link

I intend to give lots of stuff away and start adding lots of video for your enjoyment, so please keep an eye out on both pages!