Wednesday, 22 March 2017


After reading Piers Morgan's  advice to the new editor of 'The Evening Standard' I thought I'd do a list of 'Life advice' for my younger readers or even a list to my younger self or just a list!

1. Cous Cous is really just special fried rice for the middle class. Don't eat it, it's the devil's food.

2. When you go to a buffet you will always put too much food on your plate - even things you don't really like. Go half, you can always go back.

3. You will, without question, meet a really ugly baby and you will, without question say "He/She is beautiful." Don't sweat it, we've all done it!

4. You will tread in dog poo. Find  some grass. The edge of a curb just doesn't cut it!

5. Buying new trainers for your holiday is pointless. The trainers will be cheaper at the airport. Wear your worn out ones there, buy new ones, leave the old ones. I just saved you £30 and space in your bin at home!

6. Men -  it is your responsibility to put the loo seat back down, trust me, this one act is greater than any bunch of flowers.

7. Women - it is your responsibility to put the loo seat back up, us men won't notice so just be happy with the flowers.

8. Finish a crossword.

9. When booking a holiday look for wooden sunbeds, it will tell you everything about the hotel!

10. The greatest pain you will ever feel is toothache, back ache and heartbreak.  Brush better, work on your core but the other one is a given. Sorry, it's just life!

11. Put crisps in a sandwich and embrace the crunch. (Add salad cream and we will forever be friends!)

12. Don't moan about queuing in a post office. Us older folk had to do it without social media!

13. 👈 It's not unlucky!

14. I have never read on a headstone "This person died of nothing." Everything in moderation *Adds more crisps*

15. Never ever give up on your best friend or your bet on a horse race!

16. If you go on holiday on your own, you will return with a white back. You just can't do sunscreen on ya own back. If you can, let me send you the BGT audition application! Anyway, have you ever gone out after coming back from a trip away and someone says "Amazing back tan!" Forget about your back ...

17.On holiday: eat food and embrace the culture and people. Honestly, nobody cares about your tan. Bring home an experience, a memorable moment and a donkey from Spain. Go old school!

18. Piers Morgan will really piss you off.

19. You won't be able to stop following Piers Morgan.

20. There is a group of people who call themselves "Ramblers" They just go on long walks.

21. Gazza was, and is, as talented as George Best and Pele ....Go watch.

22.  Cous cous is still shit!

23. Three always follows two!

24. I miss three! Where did you go? Stay with me on this!

25. You will never experience life unless you've been to Ireland

26. Trust someone

27. If you ask advice from 8 people you'll get 8 different responses. Take the first bit of advice!

29. Liverpool still beat Everton! 

30. A bet I've never put on a roulette table!

31. Am I really still going? You've left right? Lol

32. Not everything in a pound shop is a pound!

33. Two fat ladies .....No wrong number!

34. Four always follows three!

35. I lost four again!

36. Macaroni cheese without grilled tomato is just pasta with cheese!

37. Does not equal 11.

38. Ingrown toenails are worth digging out! Painful but you got this!

40. It's the new 30!

41. You are still 30!

42. If you buy it in a supermarket put it in the same place you bought it from.

43. Learn how to change a duvet cover in under 43 seconds!

44. Watch Ellen

45.  Four comes before five!

46. Watch Ellen again!

47. Bread does not belong in the fridge... you didn't buy it in the fridge!

48. Not sure what to write!

49. Chips without salt, vinegar and tomato sauce are not chips!

50. It was a TV show!

51. I've never finished a jigsaw. Who cares!

52. Millionaire shortbread, without more caramel than chocolate and biscuit is not Millionaire shortbread. It's just a rip off!

53. Bubble and squeak should always be served with a fried egg on top!

54. The "rock, paper, scissors thing" is dull. Play Spoof and build The Eifell Tower from string, between your fingers, then go to tram lines! Only a few will get this!

55. I used to watch a TV show, as a kid, where a rabbit would run into a wall and hurt itself. Stop moaning about PC shit. That bloody rabbit hurt itself every week for my entertainment.

56. Never understood the theory of "Tapping an oyster" They are only ever to be swallowed, slowly, and with my mate Craig and my girlfriend!

57. They come in 3's ....But never a man!

58. "THE MANAGERS SPECIAL" Ask his colleagues!

59. You are only ten away!

60. Are you bored yet?

61. You'll never clean your paint roller and use it again. Ever.

62. Get a pet.

63. Dance on a table.

64. Try Cous Cous!

65. If you look like your passport photo you really are to ill to travel.

66. My old police call sign.

67. Talk to somebody new each day, they'll think you are weird. 

68. Weird it just brilliant.

69. A very good place to end!

62. I honestly cannot think of anymore!

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