A little over a year a go I met a guy who was sat in a very lonely place of darkness and fear, it was a world of utter terror and the reality of it was he wanted to end his life!
I met him face to face as he pondered the very reality of saying goodbye to those who tried so hard to love him, it was, without question, tragic.
He wanted to no longer exist and to disappear quietly, to go from a world that tried to love him, to wave goodbye and to not breath another breath, he was sat in a body that knew no way out. he had reached a place of no hope, he hated himself, blamed himself and thought, in his head, the world hated him! He was lost in madness and was simply just existing.
I talk about this guy today because he took on life and faced many fears and today I looked at him and he smiled a smile of love, truth and happiness, I saw hope in his eyes and a calmness I never once ever dreamt I would see, I witnessed an inner peace and I watched his eyes sparkle once more.
By some kind of miracle he broke free, stepped out of a circle and made change, he saw a small rope and grabbed it, he met life's greatest challenge and chose to live not die.
The past twelve months have been a mountain of pain and heartache, struggle and soul searching and a strength he himself did not know he had, he asked for help, he listened (For the first time ever) and was guided by professionals, he got some bits wrong, he made mistakes, he beat himself up, he aimed high (Too high sometimes) but ultimately he found a place to sit with himself in harmony and in step with this thing we call life.
The problem in life is it is impossible to love anyone if you do not love yourself! He came from a past where everything was his fault and he truly did not like nor enjoy sitting in his skin, it was a dark, uncomfortable and desperate place to both watch and experience.
As I observe this man now I see a person who can sit quietly, not pace, shout, accuse or blame, a man who would rather give back than take, a man who understand loneliness and desperation, a man living life on life's terms, a man not a boy lost, confused and crying out to understand this great tapestry of existence, I see a man happy to tell the truth rather than lie or exaggerate to make his lonely world seem brighter or more exciting. I see a boy who put his hand up and told his truth to thus make a step towards adulthood, a step towards choice, happiness and freedom. This man removed many many masks to live how he was meant to live, he let go and trusted in a power greater than himself and he once again found humour that carried him through so much and for the first time in his life he was able to make choice.
I met this man again today and stared him straight in the eye and really loved what I saw.
I met him as I looked in the mirror.
I am truly happy, I am truly at peace and I can truly laugh a little at myself. Today I have hope in my heart and the best bit, I do not spend every hour worry about peoples opinion of me, I know my truth and that is the only thing that matters, really it is. I am free of my past.
I write this to thank YOU! You couple of hundred who read my blogs have kept me going, writing has been a great therapy for me and something I really love to do.
I put my life "Out there" and I am glad I did, because it helped me find my way and gave me strength to go forward.
Most importantly though I write this to anyone who is staring in that same mirror and seeing the person who resembles the first paragraph of this blog.
There is a way out, there is a life free of pain and suffering, there is a life of happiness and peace, there is a life filled with laughter and trust. There is a life of truth and compassion!
It just takes one very small step. If you have survived life this long you are stronger than you think, braver than you know and have spirit and courage beyond anything you can imagine. I know this because YOU are a survivor, YOU are special and YOU can shine bright.
Do not suffer in silence, pick up a phone, send a text, reach out, ask for help and come join me in the sunshine of life, it truly is a magical place, not one with fireworks and madness, massive highs and desperate lows, its a life where you can just sit, smile and know that everything is just going to be ok, it's a life centred and embraced and again, it just takes one tiny little step.
If you read this and you are not the person staring in the mirror, take just a tiny minute out of your busy life today and think of another. Send a text, an e-mail, a tweet, a Facebook message or god forbid a phone call to just say hello to someone, they may just have 20 masks on and be staring in a very dark mirror. If not, you may just make someones day.
Thank you for taking a minute out of your day for reading this and for the record, I am in a very happy place, so much so, I may do a little dancing later!