Tuesday, 29 October 2013

All change...

To change ones life is one of the hardest things to do! Why? Well because, for me anyway, the changes have always had to be massive, they had to be prolific and they had to make a difference to everyone, this as I see it now is so wrong on so many levels! Change is so difficult because it is not the easy route, it's the hardest, it's the one that takes the most effort, it's the one that's often embroiled with pain and the one that makes you constantly question yourself, it's the one that separates the true from the false!

The other "Life chaging" mistake I have made my whole life is to change for others - the only reason we do this is to truly hope they will change and has nothing to do with being real or indeed true to oneself, this for me was the constant mistake I made over and over again! 

When searching for true change and freedom of the bondage of "Self" - I kept changing for everybody around me and as a result could not live a true and free life, my masks many, my fantasy world huge, my reality distorted and the people I changed for as fake as the serenity I produced with my false change! 

To transform your life, and this has been my experiene, the changes have to be for and for no other reason than for "self" and not for any other reason. You can change for others, of course you can, but it HAS to sit true in your heart, it has to be that you want the change as much, if not more than those you are changing for, otherwise the change will never ever last, trust me, I've tried and tested it over and over again! 

I spent a life changing to keep others happy, I learnt this from an early age, sadly it was not a life lesson that was either healthy or indeed good but today I can see why I lived a life like I USED too! 

Change is hard, I've spent nine months changing nearly every area of my life and it's hard, painful and most of the time extreamly uncomfortable! 

When change is made the reaction of others can never ever be predicted, in my experience, if one is looking for a reaction to your change then you are in fact changing for the other person rather than yourself! 

I have made many changes to my life recently, some I've stuck with, some I've not yet conquered and some I've completely bought into and embraced, I call it life changing and you too can make change in whatever area you wish in your life, but how? 

For me it started small and I had to experiment what real change actually felt like. I started with socks! I swap and change which way I put my socks on, it felt odd, different, slightly uncomfortable  and awkward but isn't all change? It's socks! What's the worst that could happen? 

After a while the change became normal, it sat with me comfortably and nobody else would be effected by something I did for and most importantly by myself! 

This was the key to change for me as after the socks came many other changes, a list too long to mention here, but change all the same! 

If we keep walking into the same door it's going to keep on hurting, if we decided to open the door (to change) and walk through it or indeed tried a different door, what could possibly go wrong? The fact is you will truly stop hurting yourself if you are brave enough to embrace change! 

This however is where change is so hard for so many, fear blocks us from so much in life and it wasn't until I read the below that it dawned on me that actually the only thing I truly fear in life is myself and my very own fears! 

You see it's taken me a whole life of making everyone happy and ultimately hurting myself in many different ways to realise that while others rejoiced in my actions I sat only in an emptiness and lonleyness that words can't even explain. I of course expected the same back, my expectations so high they were unachievable that the emptyness grew bigger the lonleyness greater and the loathing of others and more importantly myself undescribable! 

To change for others, to follow a path or road you cannot navigate, to place on masks to fit the people your around is about as real as the Wombles on Wimbledon common - you will believe it for a while, you'll convince yourself you are doing good, a fake self esteem will build and you'll drag yourself through the muddy waters of life, but it will be a heavy, long, tiring journey unless you start doing what is best for YOU not everyone around you!

If you tick the "You" box first you will have so much room in your spirit to give not take, to think of others not yourself and more importantly act from a place of inner peace for all the right reasons! 

The joy of how I live today is that I see it not selfish to think of myself first, to Improve myself first, to change myself first, the miracle of all my change is that once I let go of trying to do everything for everyone, once I let go of pleasing everyone, of fitting into everyone's boxes to making sure everyone was happy and going to any length to achieve it true change happened in my life! 

I read recently that the person we spend the most time with in life is ourself, yet it is the person we do the least for - how dumb! If your gonna spend so much time with you, you may as well like the person you are! Kinda simple right? 

Living as I live now I have so much energy to give freely of myself without condition or expectation without want or need, I give because I want to and because I expect nothing in return - this has freed up my heart and soul to do the most wonderful thing - it's called true choice 

Now I choose from a place of serenity not madness, a place of kindness not hatred, a place of truth not lies a place of reality not fantasy! A place of love not hatred. I choose now because I can! 

How did this happen, I put my socks on differently and embraced the little things that we feel when we change! 

Change your route to work, change which side you get out of the bed, change your furniture around, change how you speak to one person , just do the smallest thing to change and watch everything around you change, and you controlled it not one little bit! All you  (And I did) was change ourselves! 

If it's real, heartfelt, spiritual and honest in your heart the world will open up around you and I honestly believe and can testify life will have a whole new meaning! 

If you are free then you have space and if you have space you have so many further places to go in your mind and soul. 

Yes, some change may effect others around you, but if it's true to your heart then I would argue that the hurt will most certainly be less damaging and hurtful than the fantasy of truth you live in, remember those that share your beauty as a human will come with you, walk with you and stand with you - but only if they too can embrace change! 

I get it wrong a lot of the time but the joy of changing for me is; the only person I have to answer to is me! Genius! 

I do not believe for once second the complex human in all it's glory was put on this earth to stand still, so let's move, walk, run, jump, look, embrace and do just one tiny little thing differently today, why? Because you can and it can start with a simple ole sock! 

Thank you for reading and please don't think this anything other than me just sharing my experience of life, nothing more, nothing less. 


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