Now this was a huge warm up, not only did anyone who is anyone attend this event, it would be a marvellous time to showcase myself as something other than "The warm up bloke"
I went and purchased a new dinner suit, new dinner shirt and all the bits that go with it, one thing I have always known is that to walk on any stage dressed in a good suit or good clothes can up your game by at least 10%, feeling a million dollars is so important to feeling good inside! (I'm turning into Gok!)
So up early that day, off for a facial, haircut, sun bed, nail trim, eyebrow trim, teeth whitening and eventually the trusted Addison Lee turns up outside my flat. It is pissing down, no that's an understatement, its a bloody monsoon.
I arrive at the greatest ballroom this country has to offer and I am beyond excited!
To work "The Great room" is an honour, to have dinner in it is just the same!! although many a performer will tell you it is a comics graveyard, but I have never been one to blame "The room"
I meet the various producers, their are many, and get a hug of Davina, which is always a treat for anyone working this life of show business (I love Davina, always have, always will!) I share some banter with the two floor managers Nick and Mark and they can sense my obvious excitement at working at such a prestigious event! They are however swapping some rather odd looks between each other as my excitement grows!
The female exec on the show finds me and introduces me to Clive she says "You look amazing Roycey, this is Clive, he will get you an umbrella" I look over his shoulder and see Mark Backer and Nick Keene two brilliant floor managers, giggling like two school children about to watch the greatest prank ever unfold!
"Umbrella?" I say with a tad of confusion in my voice, she turns on her heels and its me and Clive. Now Clive is about 18 obviously on his first job and wearing a dinner suit he borrowed off his much smaller dad, he seems like a nice enough guy but he has a radio and this can turn the sweetest of runners into a fucking monster!
I follow Clive who is still trying to work out what he is suppose to do with his radio and is constantly trying to send pointless messages!
After a short 5 minute walk we arrive at a flooded red carpet and a grandstand of about 20 people who are drenched to the skin with one holding a banner painted banner saying "We love you Simon" which has run in the rain and now says "W u mon"
I presume at this point that Clive is just showing me the celebrities arriving so when i get to warm up the "Great Room" in front of my piers I will have a better idea of my audience, sadly I was about to be put in my place and wonder if the teeth whitening, hair cut and new shinny shoes was all worth it!
Clive passed me the umbrella and said "Right you need to run up and down the red carpet and every time a celebrity arrives you need to get the crowd (60 drenched people and one banner holding nutter) screaming...
"What about warming up the "Great Room" I said!
"Clive smiled "Oh you don't have a pass for the great room, that's for VIP's only" as if that wasn't enough he pressed his radio button and said "The warm up bloke is on the carpet and I am about to tell him what to say" I really had to pinch myself from saying "Oh do fuck off!" but I have learnt that to smile and agree is the essence of this fine business we call "Show"
Clive then spent the next 20 minutes telling me what to say to get the crowd going, i listened, smiled and nodded after all Clive had a degree in Media, who the fuck was I to argue!
To say I was gutted would be a mile from the truth, but run up and down I did and after an hour of a ruined suit, fucked shoes and an ego properly dented I promised myself that one day I would walk the red carpet myself and without doubt hug Clive at the end!
Every celebrity I had worked with in previous years had a good laugh at my expense running up and down a soaked red carpet getting the crowd to cheer them when they arrived, only one came over to say hello, thank you "U Mon" it made the bloke in the ruined new suit smile, if only inwardly!
What I did do and what I have done my whole career is put it down to learning, pissed off at the time I was, but it will just make the real red carpet walk so much more poignant when it comes and it will come!
I could give you hundreds of examples like this, The Royal Variety performance in front of Prince Charles, BBC Children In Need rocks The Royal Albert Hall, An audience with Celine Dion, the national Television awards, the list goes on and on, but I think I will save it for my book, which I doubt I will ever write!
Good luck to Graham Norton tonight and to whoever gets the job of running up and down a red carpet, at least the sun is shining!
Its been a pretty amazing week for me this week personally. It would be remiss of me to not admit that the past few months have been somewhat challenging, but out of the darkness I have stepped! its a comics thing and only those that make people laugh for a living will truly understand, we are a weird ole' bunch!
I made my first omelet this week!
I decided I want to live here for at least 2 weeks!
I did some DIY this week! It was time to take down my rotten shed.
DIY started 0910
First aid box sought 0915
Google search for "Shed removal" 0926
Rule one....If you are going to a "Family fun day" be prepared to add to your family!
Please meet, Simon, David, Alisha and the most beautiful Amanda all of who are doing very well thanks to a very expensive visit to "Pets at Home"
I will leave you with some of the photos sent into me this week after asking my lovely twitter followers for some pictures of their teddy bears, utter genius and wrong on so many levels!
OVER 18's ONLY PLEASE!!!!
Have a lovely week.....